GRE Writing Sample Help

[I_am_Ahab]

Would anybody mind reading and critiquing my writing samples from the GRE powerprep mock test? I scored lower (3.5) than I'd like on the GRE last year and any feedback is appreciated! If you could put a score to it that be nice too!

These are unedited and I realize there are several spelling errors throughout and I wish I could make numerous modifications to them (the second one I ran out of time), but I want to present exactly what I would have submitted. This is an area that I know I suffer in so any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks!

 

Essay 1

                Increasing advertisment in virgin areas that able movie going bodies could possibly increase attendance. However, the saturation of advertizing in this area are unknown to the reader, as well as the socio-economic patterns of these reviewer's communities.

                To determine if increasing the marketing presence will boost sales, we must know what the marketing situatuin currently is. If the enviroment already is coverd in banners, radio adds, and the like, then an additional tv commercial most likely will be benign. However, if there are no marketing tools being implemented in certain areas or such the level of advertisements is light, then increasing these could boost awareness, and in turn attendance.

                Social events, meterological changes, economical loss; these are all factors that could alter movie attendee turnout. Several years ago in the United states when the interest rates plummened and the markets crashed, many citizerns simply had no casual money to spend on anemities like the cinema. In this case, additinal television commercials would have no effect on turnout.

                Until these questions are answered fully, it would seem irresponsable to fund any actions that would significantly alter the company's financial structure.

 

 

Essay 2

                Preparation for succsess in society must start early. Communication and comradery is paramount if one wants to advance to leadership.

                Personally, this is not more evident than in retail positions, bowerver the same statments found below can blanket nbearly all workplaces. When a shift is run by a signle lead all requirements can be met and perform well, however usually the day doesnt run at optimal pace. When cooporation between two or more leadership entities and trust is had in the others ability, then each branch of the team can focus intently at the tasks at hand and drive efficiency.

                This belief is not more evident than in military structure. While it may seem totalitarian, military leadership relies solely on the cooperative efforts of officers and senior enlisted men. Every sergent, catian, lieutenant, and general must cooperate with their peers in order to achieve their goal.

This said, certain clades of organizations may not work at prime with a cooperative leadership structure. Tier 1 employees, presidents, CEOs, commanding officers, those who have the duty of perscribing the end statement, most likely have competed against peers to obrtain such a position and will not have others for whom they would communicate with to make leadership directives. However, one is against the odds of obtaining such a position and much more favored to sit in a position surrpounded by peers.