What if I don't agree with my proofreader's correction?

[a fragrant plant]

A proofreader read my statement of purpose and made a few changes. Bascially she loathe people using passive voices, overlong sentences and "odd" wordings that seem natural in my discipline. I don't know if I should amend my SOP according to her suggestions. Can you please have a look at the two versions and let me know which you think is better? My proofreader is not an academic so the changes she suggest make perfect sense to me. I just don't know if I should follow. Please share your opinions.

*Issues with passive voices (please note that this is the first sentence of my SOP):

my version: My interest in XXXX is influenced by my mother and deeply rooted in my family traditions.

Proofreader's version: My mother and our family traditions have deeply influenced my interest in XXX.

*Issues with wording:

1. My version: lower-educated people v.s.

Proofreader version: poorly educated people

2. My version: intervention to one's body v.s.

Proofreader version: intervention in one's body

3. My version: faculty members in XXX's anthropology program v.s.

Proofreader's version: faculty members on XXX's anthropology program

Alas, English is a super tricky language.

Edited December 7, 2009 by peanuttheanthro

[coyabean]

A proofreader read my statement of purpose and made a few changes. Bascially she loathe people using passive voices, overlong sentences and "odd" wordings that seem natural in my discipline. I don't know if I should amend my SOP according to her suggestions. Can you please have a look at the two versions and let me know which you think is better? My proofreader is not an academic so the changes she suggest make perfect sense to me. I just don't know if I should follow. Please share your opinions.

*Issues with passive voices (please note that this is the first sentence of my SOP):

my version: My interest in XXXX is influenced by my mother and deeply rooted in my family traditions.

Proofreader's version: My mother and our family traditions have deeply influenced my interest in XXX.

*Issues with wording:

lower-educated people v.s. poorly educated people

intervention in XXX v.s. intervention to XXX

faculty members in XXX's anthropology program v.s. faculty members on XXX's anthropology program

Alas, English is a super tricky language.

As a general rule I say always go with your own voice in your writing. Having said that, I really like this person's edits. I'm sorry. The first is less about active/passive to me as it is just more clear. Clarity in writing is always appreciated. And I don't understand your issues with number two; I think poorly educated makes more sense. What is lower-educated? Unless you define that in the statement as a particular grade level or ability I think poorly educated is better. It suggests that one can go to a school but still not be fluent in matters of the educated social class, yes?

And the final one is just how it is done. I'm not sure why faculty members would be ON someone's program?

Again, though, in the final analysis do what you feel comfortable with. If you have to defend something let it at least be in defense of your own work.

[a fragrant plant]

As a general rule I say always go with your own voice in your writing. Having said that, I really like this person's edits. I'm sorry. The first is less about active/passive to me as it is just more clear. Clarity in writing is always appreciated. And I don't understand your issues with number two; I think poorly educated makes more sense. What is lower-educated? Unless you define that in the statement as a particular grade level or ability I think poorly educated is better. It suggests that one can go to a school but still not be fluent in matters of the educated social class, yes?

And the final one is just how it is done. I'm not sure why faculty members would be ON someone's program?

Again, though, in the final analysis do what you feel comfortable with. If you have to defend something let it at least be in defense of your own work.

Hi coyabean, thank you for your input.

When I wrote "lower educated" I wanted to convey the opposition of "highly educated". "Poorly educated" did not come across to me as the appropriate expression in that context. Do you think "less educated" will be a better word choice?

What do you think of "intervention in one's body" v.s. "intervention to one's body"?

Many thanks for your input! I really appreciate it!

[glasses]

A proofreader read my statement of purpose and made a few changes. Bascially she loathe people using passive voices, overlong sentences and "odd" wordings that seem natural in my discipline. I don't know if I should amend my SOP according to her suggestions. Can you please have a look at the two versions and let me know which you think is better? My proofreader is not an academic so the changes she suggest make perfect sense to me. I just don't know if I should follow. Please share your opinions.

*Issues with passive voices (please note that this is the first sentence of my SOP):

my version: My interest in XXXX is influenced by my mother and deeply rooted in my family traditions.

Proofreader's version: My mother and our family traditions have deeply influenced my interest in XXX.

*Issues with wording:

lower-educated people v.s. poorly educated people

intervention in XXX v.s. intervention to XXX

faculty members in XXX's anthropology program v.s. faculty members on XXX's anthropology program

Alas, English is a super tricky language.

I prefer the proofreader's version of your opening sentence. Also "faculty members in" is correct, as opposed to the "on" you use. I'm not sure of "intervention to" without context.

I like the connotations behind your "lower-educated" more than I like the proofreader's "poorly" -- "poorly" implies a pejorative, which is perhaps something you want to avoid? However, I do think your "lower-educated" is awkward: perhaps "less-educated" or something along those lines?

[glasses]

Whoops -- you must have replied w/ clarifications as I was typing! O.K., so: yup, you know what I think about "lower" v. "less"; given the context, I do think "intervention in" is better than "intervention to." (Maybe "intervention on" is another option?)

[a fragrant plant]

I prefer the proofreader's version of your opening sentence. Also "faculty members in" is correct, as opposed to the "on" you use. I'm not sure of "intervention to" without context.

I like the connotations behind your "lower-educated" more than I like the proofreader's "poorly" -- "poorly" implies a pejorative, which is perhaps something you want to avoid? However, I do think your "lower-educated" is awkward: perhaps "less-educated" or something along those lines?

Thanks glasses, please see my reply to coyabean. That's exactly why I avoid "poorly educated".

[Sparky]

When I wrote "lower educated" I wanted to convey the opposition of "highly educated". "Poorly educated" did not come across to me as the appropriate expression in that context. Do you think "less educated" will be a better word choice?

"Less educated" is the phrase that came to me. Or, longer but maybe better, "not as well educated." I agree with you that "poorly educated" carries a slightly different meaning.

With respect to "intervention to/in", what is the full sentence? I lean towards "in" on the grounds that we usually talk about performing an intervention on a person, meaning, a spatial preposition (on/in), but more context might help here.

Edited December 7, 2009 by Sparky

[ScreamingHairyArmadillo]

Opening: change to active (is the rest of your SOP mostly active or passive?)

1. less educated (or try to find out what is used most in your field)

2. on? I'm not sure of the context

3. in

[samjones]

what about

*drum roll*

undereducated?

i've seen this term used to describe folks that have not attained certain levels of education (i.e., those who only have a 6th grade education, those who haven't completed high school, those who haven't attained a postsecondary education). it's usually reserved for people with any level of education UNDER college- as long as they don't have a college degree, they can be described as undereducated and it could be because of obstacles (i.e., poverty) or it could be by choice.