Please grade my two essays? I can't tell.

[LeatherBoundBook]

The best way to teach is to praise positive actions and ignore negative ones. Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the recommendation and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, describe specific circumstances in which adopting the recommendation would or would not be advantageous and explain how these examples shape your position.

I disagree that the best way to teach is to praise positive actions and ignore negative actions. This approach seems to be a misguided attempt to utilize Pavlovian-type conditional training in order to teach. The better approach is to praise positive actions and to point out better alternatives to negative ones.

To praise positive actions on a consistent basis is to encourage the “students” to associate positive feelings with the actions that evoke the positive response. To refrain from praising such actions is, in many situations, to create a situation in which students are unsure of whether the things they did were praiseworthy or not. For example, a kid may find 100 dollars in his grandpa’s bedroom, and be proud of himself for finding such a treasure and proceed to return it to his grandpa; a parent who, being told of this discovery and generous return, does not praise the kid risks causing the kid to doubt whether his was the best course of action; consider that he may be wondering whether it wouldn’t have been wiser to keep the prize for himself so he can buy something nice for his daddy! Therefore, the kid in this situation would not learn explicitly the moral rightness of his action. Hence, it is wise to praise positive actions so that there is a concreteness to the goodness of an action.

To ignore negative actions on a consistent basis is to encourage the “students” to associate whatever feeling they have when performing the action (or the feeling felt soon after) with the action itself. Suppose that a toddler is annoyed of his father’s talking on the phone. A proactive young girl as she his, she winds up and punches her father square in the tender parts. She even feels somewhat proud that his father immediately becomes silent, and walks away from her with strange expression on his face; she learned to cause something beneficial to happen without any help! She no longer must listen to his annoying grown-up talk. Hence, she associates the positive feelings with the action, and she becomes more likely to do such a thing in the future. Clearly, such an unintentional encouragement of such behavior is not a good thing. Therefore, ignoring the negative action is not the best approach.

Neither is harsh criticism an effective approach, either. Consider a kid who, finding the 100 dollars as in the above scenario, decides that the best course of action to take is to keep the money for himself in order to do good to his daddy (buy something for him at the store). Upon hearing sharp, generalized criticism (for example, in the form of insults and spankings), the kid may feel that such good intentions are not appreciated, and future such intentions and actions associated with them may be discouraged; he may feel that to act on good intentions is not a good idea because of the risks they bring. As a result, he may grow up to be unnecessarily unconfident or become less altruistic. To praise the good intentions upon hearing them, and to point out better courses of action – for example, to return the money to its rightful owner – is a better approach than generalized criticism.

In general, it seems to be a wise course of action to praise positive actions. On the other hand, it is not wise to ignore negative actions for the reasons pointed above. To point out alternative, superior courses of action is a better way to teach than to ignore or harshly criticize negative actions.

 

 

 

The following appeared in an article written by Dr. Karp, an anthropologist.

“Twenty years ago, Dr. Field, a noted anthropologist, visited the island of Tertia and concluded from his observations that children in Tertia were reared by an entire village rather than by their own biological parents. However, my recent interviews with children living in the group of islands that includes Tertia show that these children spend much more time talking about their biological parents than about other adults in the village. This research of mine proves that Dr. Field's conclusion about Tertian village culture is invalid and thus that the observation-centered approach to studying cultures is invalid as well. The interview-centered method that my team of graduate students is currently using in Tertia will establish a much more accurate understanding of child-rearing traditions there and in other island cultures.”

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

First of all, Dr. Field’s observational research was conducted twenty years ago. Your research was conducted recently. If you have reasonable evidence to believe that the culture in the group did not change over the past twenty years, then any differences you found in the society compared to Dr. Field may indeed be due to superiority in one or the other research. However, the statements that you made do not, alone, give satisfactory proof that the Dr. Field’s conclusion is invalid or that the interview-centered method that your team is using will establish a more accurate understanding of the traditions followed in Tertia.

I recently heard of a native village in Africa whose members actually lie to the researchers in order to prevent the researchers from learning their secrets, including knowledge of their language. Is it possible that the kids were lying for one reason or another? Is it not also possible that the quality of the interviews was lacking, for example, that the kids did not clearly understand those things that the interviewers were saying or did not know how to express themselves? If it is not possible that there was deception or misunderstanding in the interviews, is it possible that Tertia is an exception of your finding that children spend much more time talking with their biological parents – after all, your research says that the interviews were of children from the villages that only include Tertia; not all of the children were from Tertia, so the responses may give evidence unrepresentative of society in that specific village and so it may be true (even given your research) that the children do not speak with their biological parents often.

Suppose evidence were presented that clearly indicate that it is true that the children do indeed talk with their biological parents more than the other adults; talking does not necessarily constitute “rearing;” therefore it is possible that by “rearing” you have something different in mind compared to Dr. Field. Is it possible that the other villagers, in aggregate, performed more obviously beneficial tasks for the kids than the parents? For example, did they teach the kids, offer them food and shelter? He may have witnessed the increased amount of talking between the children and their biological parents, but did not deem to constitute that as “rearing” them. Hence, you did not show that Dr. Field’s research was invalidated from these statements alone.

You have not demonstrated that your research is “much more accurate” than Dr. Fields in that you did not show that the information acquired in the interviews was of high quality or (in the case that it was of high quality) that your research is in contradiction of Dr. Field’s.

 

[Apogeee]

Who is the audience for these?

[fuzzylogician]

4 minutes ago, Apogeee said:

Who is the audience for these?

One would assume based on where these are posted that they are GRE essays. 

[LeatherBoundBook]

12 hours ago, fuzzylogician said:

One would assume based on where these are posted that they are GRE essays. 

True. They are GRE essays.

I also want to say that I did indeed notice that I slightly misinterpreted the scenario for the second essay before I wrote this post. I read that the children said to the researchers that they talked with their parents more frequently than the other adult villagers, but the statement was that the children talked about their parents more in the interview.

Edited June 19, 2016 by LeatherBoundBook

[Apogeee]

You have done a good job with these. I have offered suggetions in order to help you bring your writing to another level. If this was not what you wanted, please just ignore my post. 

 

There are some places here that show lack of control of idiom. I haven't made every correction, but given you some examples to start with.

Essay 1:
In paragraph 1, you did a very good job writing an example of what you want to persuade your audience to do.

The example in the each paragraph needs to be tied to the thesis statement.

You have made some assertions without providing evidence to back them up. For example, you say that consistently praising positive actions encourages students to associate positive feelings with the actions, but you offer no evidence of this assertion. Provide the evidence and then analyze the evidence.

"utilize training" isn't idiomatic. When you use such expressions, you are at a level of diction that is at odds with other expressions you have used. It is jarring to the reader, and will get you a lower score.

"Posive actions", "positive feelings" and "positive response" Can you avoid repeating your use of positive three times in once sentence?
 
You've used some form of better 3x in the first 3 sentences - twice in one of them. Vary your word choice when you edit your draft before submitting. And do make time to allow for editing.

"annoyed with" not "of".

Your use of the semicolon in the second paragraph is not appropriate, because the first half of that cannot stand as a complete sentence.

Why have you put the word "students" in quotation marks? It isn't necessary or customary.

Similarly, you've used the word "kid" three times in the second paragraph.

You have a jarring mix of colloquialism and formality. Grandpa and daddy don't really go with the tone of the rest of the expressions. 
"Tender parts" is far too colloquial. The example itself isn't apt. Is there a more clear and helpful example to illustrate your point?

You have used exclamation points where the simple period would be more effective.

"neither" and "either" should not go in the same clause.

You can't hear a spanking.

Example 2
This essay will be stronger without all of the questions. Make more declarative statements, so that you make your case more firmly. Sprinkle in a question here and there, but vary the types of sentences you use.

Can you rephrase the following: "superiority in one or the other research"?

"I recently heard of a native village in Africa" seems too anecdotal. For the GRE, do not make up evidence. Use actual evidence if that is at all possible. Middle school teachers used to tell their students to make up something that could sound plausible as evidence, but this is not appropriate for college level writing.

Make sure to end direct questions with a question mark.

Break down the final sentence in paragraph 2 so that it is more clear. Perhaps 2 or three sentences out of that one long one.

Paragraph 3: "evidence that indicates" 

Do the children need to talk more with their parents, or the adults need to talk more with their parents? Just clarify this a bit.
Use a coordinating conjunction, not just a comma: "Did they teach the kids, or (and, and also, and in addition...) offer them food and shelter?"
deem is not used idiomatically in paragraph 3.

Why are you putting the word "rearing" in quotation marks? 

In the final paragraph, Dr. Field's needs that apostrophe because you are using the name possessively. (You did that once, but need to both times in that paragraph.)
"In contradiction with" (not of)

Remove the final brackets and set off the phrase by commas.

In general, you are using words like "hence" "therefore" and "clearly" without offering the analysis that will bring these essays into the higher score range.

Something else that will help you: take a few minutes to plan your writing before you start to write, and allow yourself a few minutes to edit before the time is up. For each paragraph, make sure you back up your main point, and then connect that paragraph's main point to your thesis statement.

[LeatherBoundBook]

14 hours ago, Apogeee said:

The example in the each paragraph needs to be tied to the thesis statement.

You have made some assertions without providing evidence to back them up. For example, you say that consistently praising positive actions encourages students to associate positive feelings with the actions, but you offer no evidence of this assertion. Provide the evidence and then analyze the evidence.

"utilize training" isn't idiomatic. When you use such expressions, you are at a level of diction that is at odds with other expressions you have used. It is jarring to the reader, and will get you a lower score.

You have a jarring mix of colloquialism and formality. Grandpa and daddy don't really go with the tone of the rest of the expressions. 
"Tender parts" is far too colloquial. The example itself isn't apt. Is there a more clear and helpful example to illustrate your point?

Example 2
This essay will be stronger without all of the questions. Make more declarative statements, so that you make your case more firmly. Sprinkle in a question here and there, but vary the types of sentences you use.

"I recently heard of a native village in Africa" seems too anecdotal. For the GRE, do not make up evidence. Use actual evidence if that is at all possible. Middle school teachers used to tell their students to make up something that could sound plausible as evidence, but this is not appropriate for college level writing.

Remove the final brackets and set off the phrase by commas.

In general, you are using words like "hence" "therefore" and "clearly" without offering the analysis that will bring these essays into the higher score range.

Something else that will help you: take a few minutes to plan your writing before you start to write, and allow yourself a few minutes to edit before the time is up. For each paragraph, make sure you back up your main point, and then connect that paragraph's main point to your thesis statement.

Thank you for all of your feedback. I would reply to more of your questions/statements, but many seem to be rhetorical.

Can you please give an example of how I could have tied the example to the thesis statement skillfully? I tried to do that; for example, in the second paragraph, I wrote "Therefore, the kid in this situation would not learn explicitly the moral rightness of his action." 

I agree that I could/should have justified that assertion about praising positive actions. 

Can you explain what you mean when you say that " 'utilize training' isn't idiomatic ..." (including the whole line, especially when you say "you are at a level of diction that is at odds with other expressions you have used")

About the jarring mix of colloquialism and formality: I understand. My justification at the time was to emphasize that that reasoning was from the mind of a child. 

 

 

Less questions, more declarative statements. Got it.

The bit about my hearing of a native village in Africa wasn't made up. I think the purpose of mentioning that was to increase the plausibility of the possibility that the children were lying in the interviews. 

I can see what you mean when you mention my use of "therefore," etc. , especially in the first essay. In particular, I ended the third paragraph by saying that "therefore ignoring the negative action is not the best approach," when it would have been better to say "therefore, ignoring negative actions can lead to unfortunate results," or something of that sort (I didn't show that ignoring the negative action wasn't the best approach but only that ignoring the negative action could have poor results).

I can see how I should have more explicitly connected the paragraphs to the thesis statements. 

Edited June 20, 2016 by LeatherBoundBook

[Apogeee]

I hope you don't think I thought your essays were substandard. I don't think your essays are in any way bad. I simply wanted to help you bring them to a higher level, inasmuch as everyone has the capacity to improve, and you seemed to be asking for feedback. Also, you really don't owe me any explanations, so I want to thank you very much for taking the time to respond to my suggestions.

Utilize is a word that is appropriate in some specific situations, for example in chemistry. But it isn't a general synonym for "use." A thesaurus won't tell you that, but style and usage guides are helpful for you to get familiar with these choices in diction. Use "utilize" with extreme care, because there is the danger that it can come across as pretentious, and pretension always raises the stakes for the reader - he will expect you to maintain that level of diction throughout. When you used the slang term "kid" instead of "child" you dropped the diction back several steps below "utilize," a word which you didn't use idiomatically. To be sure, idiom changes over time and region, but the audience here is intended to be the sort that you will address when you are writing scholarly articles, and those people know the difference between "use" and "utilize."

If you didn't make up your anecdote about Africa, give more detail in order to validate it, and to demonstrate its value as an authority. "I heard about..." isn't as effective as adding details, such as where you heard it, the name of the village, the name of the publication...something. If you can't provide any of that, consider one of two options: either a different example that you can back up, or perhaps something to the effect of, "There was a village in Africa in the 1920s, in which...."

Where you say you were trying to emphasize that the reasoning was from the mind of a child, you will be better served to state, in so many words, that the reasoning is that of a child. 

"Therefore, the kid in this situation would not learn explicitly the moral rightness of his action"  is an assertion you are making. You haven't said what it is about this assertion that relates to the thesis. I was unclear, to tell the truth, about which was your thesis statement. I figured it was either, "The better approach is to praise positive actions and to point out better alternatives to negative ones," or  "I disagree that the best way to teach is to praise positive actions and ignore negative actions." To tie an assertion to your thesis, you must clearly state, for example, how not learning explicitly about the moral value of his action fits with the thesis that praising positive actions and ignoring negative ones is better. Is the explicitness important here? How are they connected? You have to tell the reader that directly. That is the kind of analysis that brings an essay to the possibility of a higher score. Structurally, that's probably the most important thing you will do in your essays.

Thank you for reading my suggestions about your essays. I hope you get a top score on your GRE.

[LeatherBoundBook]

4 hours ago, Apogeee said:

I hope you don't think I thought your essays were substandard. I don't think your essays are in any way bad. I simply wanted to help you bring them to a higher level, inasmuch as everyone has the capacity to improve, and you seemed to be asking for feedback. Also, you really don't owe me any explanations, so I want to thank you very much for taking the time to respond to my suggestions.

Utilize is a word that is appropriate in some specific situations, for example in chemistry. But it isn't a general synonym for "use." A thesaurus won't tell you that, but style and usage guides are helpful for you to get familiar with these choices in diction. Use "utilize" with extreme care, because there is the danger that it can come across as pretentious, and pretension always raises the stakes for the reader - he will expect you to maintain that level of diction throughout. When you used the slang term "kid" instead of "child" you dropped the diction back several steps below "utilize," a word which you didn't use idiomatically. To be sure, idiom changes over time and region, but the audience here is intended to be the sort that you will address when you are writing scholarly articles, and those people know the difference between "use" and "utilize."

If you didn't make up your anecdote about Africa, give more detail in order to validate it, and to demonstrate its value as an authority. "I heard about..." isn't as effective as adding details, such as where you heard it, the name of the village, the name of the publication...something. If you can't provide any of that, consider one of two options: either a different example that you can back up, or perhaps something to the effect of, "There was a village in Africa in the 1920s, in which...."

Where you say you were trying to emphasize that the reasoning was from the mind of a child, you will be better served to state, in so many words, that the reasoning is that of a child. 

"Therefore, the kid in this situation would not learn explicitly the moral rightness of his action"  is an assertion you are making. You haven't said what it is about this assertion that relates to the thesis. I was unclear, to tell the truth, about which was your thesis statement. I figured it was either, "The better approach is to praise positive actions and to point out better alternatives to negative ones," or  "I disagree that the best way to teach is to praise positive actions and ignore negative actions." To tie an assertion to your thesis, you must clearly state, for example, how not learning explicitly about the moral value of his action fits with the thesis that praising positive actions and ignoring negative ones is better. Is the explicitness important here? How are they connected? You have to tell the reader that directly. That is the kind of analysis that brings an essay to the possibility of a higher score. Structurally, that's probably the most important thing you will do in your essays.

Thank you for reading my suggestions about your essays. I hope you get a top score on your GRE.

Don't worry, I'm very pleased with your response and this expansion upon it.

Edited June 21, 2016 by LeatherBoundBook