Saying "No"

[prolixity]

Does anyone else feel a sense of guilt or regret when you end up sending a negative response to a university?

I built up a relationship with some professors at some of these institutions, and I feel terrible telling them that they weren't my final choice.

[chimerical]

If you had told them you'd definitely attend if admitted and then backed down that'd be one thing, but if not then don't stress too much. You can only go to one school after all. Most rational people won't hold a grudge.

[fuzzylogician]

Does anyone else feel a sense of guilt or regret when you end up sending a negative response to a university?

I built up a relationship with some professors at some of these institutions, and I feel terrible telling them that they weren't my final choice.

A small wave of "what-if..." came over me with every email I sent out declining an offer. However, I don't believe in post-decision regrets. (I do believe in pre-decision prolonged deliberations.) Every professor that got such an email from me was very understanding and even thankful that I had let them know in time so they could make an offer to someone on the waitlist. Professors know students decide between several competing offers, so they are not offended by rejection. Once you've made your decision there is no reason to delay much further--let them know as soon as you're convinced your mind is made, and everyone will be the better for it.

[ScreamingHairyArmadillo]

I will feel very guilty - so many people from most of my schools have been very supportive and helpful (and all discuss how they want to throw money at me). I could see myself working with all of them! I feel almost lucky to have to consider my boyfriend and his acceptances in my decision, otherwise I would not know how to choose.

But then I figure they'll be great people to keep in contact with over the next few years for ideas and discussions.

[piccgeek]

But then I figure they'll be great people to keep in contact with over the next few years for ideas and discussions.

Ding ding ding!! In the small world of academe, having made a connection with profs from another school will almost undoubtedly be useful and beneficial to your research. Scholarship is, in large part, a discussion among colleagues, and so actually knowing some of the people you're "talking with" is a good thing. As everyone else has said, pretty much all the profs will understand your situation and bear no grudges. There's also the happy feeling that when you politely decline the offer, you are probably (probably) going to make a wait-listed individual somewhere very happy!

[liszt85]

A small wave of "what-if..." came over me with every email I sent out declining an offer. However, I don't believe in post-decision regrets.

That's not all that hard when its MIT you're saying yes to When you're deciding between rank 15 and 25, both decent fits (25 a little more, and you say yes to 25), that's when post decision regrets and "what if" thoughts come into play. That's what happened to me..but I ceased having those thoughts after a few months here.

[fuzzylogician]

That's not all that hard when its MIT you're saying yes to When you're deciding between rank 15 and 25, both decent fits (25 a little more, and you say yes to 25), that's when post decision regrets and "what if" thoughts come into play. That's what happened to me..but I ceased having those thoughts after a few months here.

It was never about rankings for me, and by the time it came down to deciding between my two top choices, it wasn't even about fit. It was about where I felt I clicked with the people more, where I thought I could see myself living for 5 years, where I would have the best chances of securing a good job down the line. With everybody telling me I should go to the school I didn't choose, it was hard not to have some doubts. Yes, both choices were probably going to be good ones, but some post-decision second thoughts are inevitable.

[liszt85]

It was never about rankings for me, and by the time it came down to deciding between my two top choices, it wasn't even about fit. It was about where I felt I clicked with the people more, where I thought I could see myself living for 5 years, where I would have the best chances of securing a good job down the line. With everybody telling me I should go to the school I didn't choose, it was hard not to have some doubts. Yes, both choices were probably going to be good ones, but some post-decision second thoughts are inevitable.

I understand what you're saying. For me, it ought to have been more about fit especially because I was changing fields from Physics (after completing a masters) to the social sciences (in which I'd had absolutely no background). So I needed to be sure I'd be doing research that I was comfortable with. So the decision was really difficult for me. I had two options to choose from, one was very well regarded (Ling, NU)and had a complex systems institute which had active collaborations going on with the Linguistics dept. The very first time I contacted a professor there asking if they'd consider me eligible to apply to their graduate program, I got 3 replies, one from the chair, one from the professor and one from a post doc who was a Physics post doc collaborating with these guys. So I knew they were absolutely interested in my application and that my undergraduate (and masters) line of work was highly relevant to what they were doing. To reject their offer (which was made 2 weeks after I'd submitted my application and writing sample) was one of the toughest decisions I'd made in my life. So post decision regrets clung onto me for quite some time! I chose my current university for precisely the reasons that you had for choosing MIT over other options. My intuition told me that my wife and I would prefer the more laidback settings of the campus (and city) here than the huge intimidating Chicago. Weather was a huge factor as well. She hates the cold and absolutely can't handle it. Chicago is not exactly the place to live for 5 yrs for people who hate the cold. Most importantly, I got the right vibes from my current adviser. It worked out well..its always a good idea to trust your intuition. I get all the attention I need from him, he is sufficiently involved in all his graduate students' work. He even comes in to the lab from time to time to help us with coding and stuff. I never see anybody else do that here. The senior famous professors in the department respect him a great deal because he's really good at what he does. He's also got funding from different sources and has promised to pay for my summers and any conference that I might have to attend (even if the dept doesn't support it). The first project I was on, was a language model. I wasn't comfortable with it and he realized that and shifted me onto a memory project. I'm having great fun with that.. lots of cool math (networks and graphs), cool experiments, etc and lots of concepts from Physics being used.. it was when I got shifted to this project that I lost all those post decision regrets completely. So it took quite a while!