Review Issue and Argument Essay

[JYoung]

Hi, I am wondering if someone will review or critique my practice GRE issue and argument essays. I thank you in advance -- They are attached below.

 

Woven baskets characterized by a particular distinctive pattern have previously been found only in the immediate vicinity of the prehistoric village of Palea and therefore were believed to have been made only by the Palean people.docx

[alanine]

Hello! I would like to help, but I am unable to access your document. Could you perhaps post it here instead?

[JYoung]

Hi alanine, thanks so much for offering to support!

 

I'll attach the essays in two replies, just so they fit. 

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Woven baskets characterized by a particular distinctive pattern have previously been found only in the immediate vicinity of the prehistoric village of Palea and therefore were believed to have been made only by the Palean people. Recently, however, archaeologists discovered such a "Palean" basket in Lithos, an ancient village across the Brim River from Palea. The Brim River is very deep and broad, and so the ancient Paleans could have crossed it only by boat, and no Palean boats have been found. Thus it follows that the so-called Palean baskets were not uniquely Palean.

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

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There are many flaws in the authors conculsion that, “the so-called Palean baskets were not uniquely Palean.” Many of the authors arguments are poorly constructed and contain logical fallancies. For example, simply because excavators have not found Palean boats does not mean the Palean people never made a boat. Futhermore, other modes of transportation could have existed across the Brim River. Indeed, a full excavation and search of the Brim River and Lithos seems necessary in order to make the conculsion stated by the author.

Many different explanations could explain the  emergence of the “Palean” basket in Lithos. Jumping to the conculsion therefore, that simply because a Palean basket was found in Lithos means the basket was not “Palean” is therefore, flawed. Excavators could have failed to find the boats or other means of transportation across the Brim River. Further evidence of no possible means of transportation across the Brim River would seem to be necessary in order to prove the “Palean”baskets were not unique to Palean people. If no evidence is found after a documented and legitmate search of river and both villages, then perhaps the baskets could be non-uniquely Palean. However, if means of transportation are found, then the authors argument would be under the strong critque that the Palean people could have moved their baskets to Lithos.

Along with the arguments regarding transportation, the author of the argument must prove, no methods of trade or communication existed between Lithos or Palea. If a method of trade existed between the villiages then the baskets could still be unique to Palea, that is made in Palea, by Palean people, but existing in Lithos as a sold commodity. This would again, defy the logic of the arguer as trade can allow objects to move and still contain unique properties across a space. In order to prove trade could not have existed between the village of Palea and Lithos the author should prove no foreign traders visited both villages or state evidence to prove no trade existed between both villages, or multiple.

Finally, to suggest the baskets, even though found in Lithos are not Palean is also flawed by the fact that a Palean person could have taught the village of Lithos how to make a basket. In this sense, the detail of the basket would have still be unquie or original to Palean culture, however shared across cultures. To make the argument the basket is unquie to the Palean people, however, the author must first prove the craftsmanship of the basket of Palean origin. In this sense the author needs some sort of verification that the baskets were craftable by the Palean people and no other people, or some other strong evidence, other than location and “immediate vicinity”to support the claim that the baskets are Palean.

In essence, there are critical flaws in the arugers logic and therefore conculsion. From the beginning of aruging, the author does not even prove the baskets are unquie to the Palean people. Furthermore, the author fails to prove the baskets, if unquie to the Palean people, were not sold or transported across the Brim river or some other means of transportation. For these reasons, the authors argument is flawed and requires more evidence to prove the baskets are unquie to the Palean people.

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[JYoung]

Formal education tends to restrain our minds and spirits rather than set them free.

Write a response in which you discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the statement and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider ways in which the statement might or might not hold true and explain how these considerations shape your position.

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            There are many different types of education. Some believe a formalized education can be restrain our minds and spirits, while others do not. In this essay, I will take the stance that a more formalized education restrains our minds and spirits to some degrees.

Many aspects of formalized education can develop the spirit and mind. Indeed, before arguing further, by formalized education I assume the author means a standardized set of instructions or codes to follow when teaching students in grade ranging from kindergarden to the twelfth grade. This is far different then allowing a student or child to learn from the way of the land, or without instruction or a teacher. Continuing, a formalized education allows students to develop a sense of intution about the world through concepts such as math and arthemic. These concepts allow a student to gain more knowledge about the world by not only informing the student of the basic understandings of the world, thus enhancing the students mind, but also inspiration and opportunity to learn more about world, thus enchancing the student’s spirit. A child without any sense of direction would be very impaired and understand the world in a non-senseical sense without a formalized education.

A more abstract critque of the authors stance might be true freedom is not desired within an education. Education would seem to provide the very essence of society by allowing people to communicate, learn, and express ideas. Although the author of the arugment seems to be concerned with freeing the mind and spirit asking why a ‘freeing’ of the mind and spirit is important, is necessary. If there is some normative gain in freeing the mind body and spirit, the gain is overshadowed by the utility of not teaching a formal education. Allowing an individual to have a ‘free’ abstract notion of the world would seem to be the negative result of allowing a non-formalized education to florish within education systems and nations.

There are a small percent of individuals who would benefit from a less formalized education. These individuals, to paraphrase Nietzsche, understand the asthetic ideal better than most individuals, but are few in amount. Those who have an asthetic understanding of the world are typically argued to be geniuses – such as Albert Enstein or Alexander the Great and provide a great benefit to socities and nations. These benefits, however, require formalized understandings of the world, which can only come from formalized educations. For this reason and those outlined above, yes, a formalized education does restrain a person’s mind and spirit to some degree, however, the benefit of restrain outweighs the negatives of freedom. Indeed, for the few who do learn or would like to learn in abstract notions to ‘free the mind and spirit’ there are always opportuities outside of school.

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[alanine]

Argument Essay

This is a good essay. A few key strengths are that you clearly state both alternative theories and what evidence would be needed to support either your theory or the author's theory. This clearly addresses the prompt, especially the part where it asks you to state not only what evidence is needed but how that evidence would weaken or strengthen the theory. Your transitions between paragraphs are good, and you have a strong concluding paragraph which quickly sums up the main claims presented to you. 

However, your essay reads as a little bit disorganized. Each paragraph should clearly state one claim made, the evidence needed to support it, and how that evidence affects the claim. Instead, you tend to present the influence of the claim before the evidence needed. For example, see below. 

Along with the arguments regarding transportation, the author of the argument must prove, no methods of trade or communication existed between Lithos or Palea. If a method of trade existed between the villiages then the baskets could still be unique to Palea, that is made in Palea, by Palean people, but existing in Lithos as a sold commodity. This would again, defy the logic of the arguer as trade can allow objects to move and still contain unique properties across a space. In order to prove trade could not have existed between the village of Palea and Lithos the author should prove no foreign traders visited both villages or state evidence to prove no trade existed between both villages, or multiple.

Sentence 1: What claim must be supported.
Sentence 2: An alternative claim.
Sentence 3: How the evidence would influence the argument.
Sentence 4: Evidence needed.

The evidence needed should come before its influence; the influence should be the last sentence. 

Additionally, a different introductory paragraph might be in order. Your current introduction discusses only one of the lines of evidence which you pursue. A general introduction which states only that you are going to evaluate several arguments without necessarily naming them may be more helpful for getting your reader in the proper mindset for your essay. 

Otherwise, there are a few very minor spelling and grammar errors. Your essay reads fluently overall and you clearly have a good grasp of basic writing techniques, as well as a clear sense of what claims are unsupported. Organization is your biggest area to work on, in my opinion. 

Based on the GRE scoring guidelines, I would give your essay a 4.5. With better organization, this could easily be a 5 essay. 

Score 4:

• identifies and analyzes important features of the argument
• develops and organizes ideas satisfactorily, but may not connect them with transitions
• supports the main points of the critique
• demonstrates sufficient control of language to express ideas with reasonable clarity
• generally demonstrates control of the conventions of standard written English, but may have some errors

Score 5:

• clearly identifies important features of the argument and analyzes them in a generally perceptive way
• develops ideas clearly, organizes them logically and connects them with appropriate transitions
• sensibly supports the main points of the critique
• demonstrates control of language, including appropriate word choice and sentence variety
• demonstrates facility with the conventions of standard written English, but may have minor errors

[alanine]

Issue Essay

One strength of this essay is that you give a clear and distinct reasons for why you have taken the position that a formalized education can in fact allow for freedom. You discuss how learning concrete knowledge and skills allows students to interact with the world, which in itself is a kind of freedom, and how this is a necessary base for students to have if they wish to be free. Additionally, your concluding sentence brings the concept from this singular question to one that relates more to the outside world: whether education has any duty to provide freedom at all. 

One major flaw in your essay is your third paragraph. This paragraph does not address the given prompt, and should not be included. The prompt does not ask you to state whether restricting your mind is more desirable than setting it free. You should only address the question asked; everything else is irrelevant, and detrimental to your score. 

Additionally, there are some organizational and grammar errors that make this essay a little difficult to read. I would say that your Argument essay was a bit better organized, and you should try to structure this Issue essay similarly to that one. By this, I mean that each paragraph should start with a claim, be followed by evidence or reasoning to support your claim, and conclude with why this evidence or reasoning does in fact support your claim. 

Finally, you should have a more clear introductory and concluding paragraph. Your definition of a formalized education should come in your intro, so that you don't have to interrupt yourself. Your intro should also clearly end with a statement of your position. Right now, you state that a formalized education restrains the mind, but the rest of your essay seems to argue that it instead shapes the mind to be ready for knowledge, or at least restrains it in order to train it to be free. Be more clear about how much you agree or disagree, (again, NOT whether you believe this is a good thing or a bad thing).

Your final few sentences ("For this reason and those outlined above..." onward) should be its own paragraph, and should be your conclusion.

Overall this essay clearly shows that you have a position on the topic, and approaches a clear statement of that position, but some off-topic analysis and arguments muddy the clarity of your argument a little bit. Based on the GRE scoring guidelines I would give this essay a 3.

Score 3:

• is vague or limited in addressing the specific task directions and in presenting or developing a position on the issue or both
• is weak in the use of relevant reasons or examples or relies largely on unsupported claims
• is limited in focus and/or organization
• has problems in language and sentence structure that result in a lack of clarity
• contains occasional major errors or frequent minor errors in grammar, usage or mechanics that can interfere with meaning

[JYoung]

Alanine, thank you so much for a through review of my essays. I really appreciate it. Let me know if you would like a review for an essay or two and I will be sure to help out! 

[alanine]

No problem! I have actually already sat the exam but I appreciate the offer! Good luck!