Already...regret

[FoodDoc]

I posted here a couple of months ago about the social aspects of pursuing a terminal degree in my 30s. Well, ~2 months into the semester, things are not going very well. I'm only taking three classes but just came out of an exam which absolutely destroyed me (most likely <C). I am struggling to understand the concepts in this class (it's math), always seem to be a week or two behind and the poor course organization is not helping, although that is not an excuse. It is bleeding over into my other classes, and I overall very little motivation to do any of the work for my classes - just spending a lot of time procrastinating. For example, in the past 72 hours I have done about 60 pages of reading (out of probably ~200 pages). That's it.

I've no doubt I am suffering from a mild depression, exacerbated by social difficulties (have trouble meeting people) and the bad weather in this rural part of the country. This is an experience completely unlike my MS where I came out with a 3.9+ and was strongly motivated in nearly all of my classes. I have some meetings set up with the counseling center but their first openings are not for ~3 weeks from today.

There is a huge psychological barrier which stops me from asking for help, despite me knowing logically that I'll probably need some kind of tutoring for this math class. I've had a few meltdowns already (usually about once a week on average) and don't see how this is going to get better in the years ahead with the stress piling on. Fortunately if things don't work out I can just flip back to my old career and find a new job, but I have a huge emotional investment in this endeavor and so I don't want to just throw in the towel despite it feeling like this is an insurmountable task.

[rheya19]

You are not alone in what you're feeling. My husband when through something similar in a stats class in his first year. I'm positive there are more people in your cohort and class dealing with these problems than you realize. 

What kinds of resources, academic and otherwise, are available at your school? Can you get in to see a counselor, for example? Or attend a therapy group with other grad students? Are there any people you've met-- students or professors-- that you would be comfortable reaching out to?

[FoodDoc]

8 minutes ago, rheya19 said:

You are not alone in what you're feeling. My husband when through something similar in a stats class in his first year. I'm positive there are more people in your cohort and class dealing with these problems than you realize. 

What kinds of resources, academic and otherwise, are available at your school? Can you get in to see a counselor, for example? Or attend a therapy group with other grad students? Are there any people you've met-- students or professors-- that you would be comfortable reaching out to?

I am scheduled to see counseling but not for another 3+ weeks, unfortunately. I'm not in a "crisis," they are overwhelmed with demand so I won't be going to their drop-in clinics. Regretfully I  haven't the ability to reach out to anybody else - I am very guarded by default (long story), and so it's doubly hard to make friends or rely on others for help, all of which involve disclosure of vulnerability.

So I've been melting down to my mother over the phone, who is really the only one I can do this to repeatedly.

[rheya19]

You need a support network to survive grad school, as well as non-school things to do that will let you blow off steam--like hobbies, shows, drinks with friends, movies, working out, or something like that. Have you been able to find things like that outside of your studies to help you decompress?

Would you be comfortable inviting someone you've become friendly with to coffee or lunch and asking them how they are doing? If you heard someone else open up about their difficulties first, would you feel better about admitting that you share some of the same stressors?

 

[FoodDoc]

I've been digging this isolation hole for years now, and that has resulted in me taking up hobbies that are also pretty solitary - mostly working out.

You're right, though - I have zero support network here, which is why it feels like the bottom is falling out. As much as my family and friends support me they are all thousands of miles away. The first step is reaching out, but that's a big one (for me) to take, and it is particularly difficult for me particularly when I'm feeling extremely insecure.

It will get better with time, but unfortunately, time is not a luxury I have. If bombing that last exam doesn't do it, maybe the threat of getting kicked out of the program will motivate me enough to open that shell just a bit.

Edited October 2, 2017 by FoodDoc

[hats]

@FoodDoc If you need somebody to say it, this sounds more than serious enough to go to drop-in hours! If there's a chance you'll fail out of the program (or dig a hole that makes that even moderately possible) before you get to your appointment...that's what drop-in hours are for.

[rheya19]

Whatever happens, I hope you do pursue a some counseling sessions. The isolation you speak of is bound to wreak havoc in other parts of your life, whether or not you're in grad school. Sooner or later other problems are bound to arise, and if you can start working on ways to handle them now, you'll be better off in the long run. So as long as the sessions are free through the university, take advantage of them.