Kindly help critique my essay

[pithy]

Hi  I have just started writing and need someone to review my essay. 

topic: 

The following appeared in a memo from the director of student housing at Buckingham College.

"To serve the housing needs of our students, Buckingham College should build a number of new dormitories. Buckingham's enrollment is growing and, based on current trends, will double over the next 50 years, thus making existing dormitory space inadequate. Moreover, the average rent for an apartment in our town has risen in recent years. Consequently, students will find it increasingly difficult to afford off-campus housing. Finally, attractive new dormitories would make prospective students more likely to enroll at Buckingham."

Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.

My essay:

 

The director of student housing at Buckingham College presents an argument to increase the number of dormitories or build new dormitories based on increasing the number of students at Buckingham, but to work on this plan requires some scrutiny. While, correlations stated are logical and convincing but there are hidden factors that may prevent the College to spend resources on building new dormitories.

For example, the director states - the enrollment of students is growing and based on this trend will double over the next 50 years. While making an assumption the author takes a huge leap and neglects that within the span of 50 years, nothing will change, and assumes that the number of students will keep on increasing, proportional to opting for dormitories. But what if, the number of students who come from home are more in number as compared to students who come from other states or abroad. Within, the span of 50 years it may happen, that someone starts a business of student hostels and provides living for a very cheap price, then even if the number of students are growing, they may prefer a cheap living in outside hostels. Well, anything can happen within the span of 50 years and director’s assumption is rife with holes.In order to substantiate his claim, the director needs a well planned data regarding the number of students – day scholars vs outsiders and outsiders and should make the plan viable for next 5 or 10 years.

In fact, the director has presented another claim, which states that, the average rent in the town has increased in recent years, and consequently, student will find it difficult to afford off-campus housing, but what if, a student who likes his privacy, and is unable to share his room. It may happen, that the number of those type of students (who prefer renting own apartments) are more, the even after building new dormitories will not solve the purpose. By taking into this under consideration, the conclusion may fall apart.

The final conclusion of argument states that, building new attractive dormitories make prospective students more likely to enroll at Buckingham college, and ignores the fact that the curriculum of school, its courses and quality of education play least role in admitting new students. Additionally, if, the quality of education were deteriorating and the number of students who seeks good education, then attractive dormitories would play least role in admitting new students.

 

Thank you in advance

[alec33]

Here are some correction I'd make:

The director of student housing at Buckingham College presents an argument suggests to increase the number of dormitories or build new dormitories ones based on due to the increasing the number of students at Buckingham, but to work on this plan requires some scrutiny. While, correlations stated are logical and convincing, but there are hidden factors that may prevent the College to from spending resources on building new dormitories.

For example, the director states - the enrollment of students is growing and based on this trend will double over the next 50 years. While making an assumption the author takes a huge leap and neglects that within the span of 50 years, nothing will change, and assumes that the number of students will keep on increasing, proportional to opting for dormitories. But what if, the number of students who come from home are more in number as compared to students who come from other states counties or abroad. Within, the span of 50 years it may happen, that someone starts a business of student hostels and provides living for a very cheap price, then even if the number of students are growing, they may prefer a cheap living in outside hostels. Well, anything can happen within the span of 50 years and director’s assumption is rife with holes.In order to substantiate his claim, the director needs a well planned data regarding the number of students – day scholars vs outsiders and outsiders and should make the plan viable for next 5 or 10 years.

In fact, the director has presented another claim, which states that, the average rent in the town has increased in recent years, and consequently, student will find it difficult to afford off-campus housing, but what if, a student who likes his privacy, and is unable to share his room. It may happen, that the number of those type of  such students (who prefer renting own apartments) are more is bigger, the even after building new dormitories will not solve the purpose thus, new dormitories may not solve their purpose and stay vacant for years. By taking this into this under consideration, the conclusion may fall apart.

The final conclusion of argument states that, building new attractive dormitories make prospective students more likely to enroll at Buckingham college, and ignores the fact that the curriculum of school, its courses and quality of education play not the least role in admitting new students choice of college. Additionally, if, the quality of education were to deterioratinge so will the number of enrollments, and the number of students who seeks good education, then and attractive dormitories would not save the day play least role in admitting new students.

Generally your response looks fine, still pay a little bit more attention to details, like for example in UK there are counties not states, and also take a look at the verbs and prepositions with which they are used. I think you might find these helpful (visit website and visit this website).

Good luck