Endthisnow

I did ask to present. In fact, I sent a formal abstract. But I was told that there was no more room for oral presentations. As for miscommunication, I have tried jotting down meeting minutes, but the following week she would simply say that this is not what she meant. Yes, I know I have made mistakes. Everyone does. But she has killed my confidence very often. I agree that 3-4 drafts is a norm. I do not mind working on it even 10 times. But its MY work! She makes it HER work! Its either her way or highway. Positive criticism is hard to come by. I thrive on positive criticism, but with her I am usually told how useless I am and can't perform any task without goofing up. At this point, I don't even know if I am any good or if I should be defending at all.

Hi all, I know that you must come across these questions on a regular basis, but please hear me out. When I started my PhD in 2009, like many other students tended to procrastinate to an extent. I was new to Europe and wanted to explore what it has to offer. Plus, I have this habit of working at night. I am more productive at night when I am by myself. Because of this reason, I usually took the day off and came to the lab in the evening or worked at home, a number of times. I did not take things very seriously for first few months thinking that there is plenty of time left and I have been a good student all my life. My boss didn't like my habit of working at odd hours. She expected me to work from 9-6 everyday. She took this habit of mine as a sign of disorganization and always taunted me about this. After first few months and a series of conversations with my boss, I started to take things seriously. But I couldn't change my habit of working at night or by myself. Slowly, my boss started to give me crap about everything I did. She is one of those people who understands the theory very well, but has no idea about the new methodology or the principles behind it. So it became very difficult for me to explain to her my approach towards the topic. She would ask me to do things. I would do them and the next week she would ask me why the hell did I do it?! I don't know if she is forgetful or has little confidence in me. Whenever I would show her my work/report/presentation, she would find a number of faults. I actually started not to work much on my first drafts, because I knew each time that I will be changing it 3-4 times no matter how hard I work for it. I started to lose confidence in my work. Her criticism is always 10% positive and 90% negative. Many a times she has blamed me for her faults. But she is not like this with other PhD students, who btw are junior to me. But they belong to the country I work in. I am not saying that she is racist, because she has been very nice to me at times, but I think that she considers their work as a piece of gold. She thinks that their way of doing things is always correct, so I am even afraid to try things my own way. Many a times, she has embarrassed or insulted me in front of them.Last year at a workshop organized by my school, one of my juniors gave a presentation. I wasn't even asked if I wanted to or not. I am defending my thesis in less than a month. Recently, I got my thesis review back from a reviewer and he commented that my thesis is kind of short. The fact is that I couldn't do a lot of things because of her absolute mis-management of some crucial resources and internal lab politics because of which many people quit the lab. I brought it to her attention many a times, but nothing ever happened. And guess what, no one else but me had to suffer. I don't know if I am here just to vent. The point is that I am doubting myself. I continuously feel inferior to other lab members - juniors and seniors alike. I feel like I haven't learned anything during last 3 years. Trust me, I worked hard when I was supposed to. But my confidence has taken a big hit because of my adviser. Do you think I chose a bad adviser? Thanks