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NataMarkovski

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    New York, NY
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    Education

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  1. Hello everyone, I'm a first semester grad student in a Secondary Education program. It has been about a month and a half, and despite my original excitement and idealism about grad school, this program, this school, and teaching, I feel extremely confused and disappointed. My school is incredibly expensive, and so the fact that I'm unhappy also brings a huge amount of financial pressure to the situation. I decided to do a special program that integrates the arts into traditional curriculum, which is why I am spending the money. Unfortunately, it has not matched up to my expectations. I feel isolated in my program, insignificant, inadequate and uninterested. From the teaching experience/ observation experience I've had so far, I've gotten a huge reality check about what it means to be a teacher and I am feeling a bit terrified and unsure if this if for me. I thought that because I loved my subjects, loved learning, wanted to help people and believed in education from a social justice perspective that this would be right for me. I am starting to think that I might be better with kids on an individual level. I'm thinking about looking into counseling or even guidance counseling. Additionally, I've been experiencing a massive amount of anxiety and depression over this. I dread going to class, and have panic attacks when I think about it. In my mind, I want to take a break to sort myself out. My counselor said I could take a leave of absence, but will that kill my chances of getting into grad school again? Should I push myself to finish the semester, or will the risk of bad grades due to my anxiety do more harm than simply taking time out? Should I try to just withdraw from one class to make things more manageable or will the "W" also destroy my chances for a future in grad school? I also receive financial aid, so that complicates things too. Any advice regarding these issues would be greatly appreciated. I feel lost, confused, and stuck in the bureaucracy. Thanks.
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