cowcool

I recently started Graduate school and am in a huge funk right now. This is a long story and I will do my best to try to shorten it. Growing up I always had problems that nobody else seemed to have. It was not till I was five years old that I could even recognize my own parents. I struggled immensely through out school did not really learn how to read and write fully till I was 20 years old. I had grown up always wanted to be a navy SEAL or something like it and that was the only thing I wanted in life. Un beknowest to me all of my academic troubles were caused by an undiagnosed learning disability called a visual processing disorder/visual perception disorder. I couldn't interpret anything that I saw and it made growing up a living hell. I was able to get through middle and high school barely and get into Syracuse university. At Syracuse University I majored in Political Science and Psychology, and enrolled into Marine Officer candidate school there. I was so pumped I had wanted to be something like this since I was in the third grade. When I got there after my sophomore year of college however I found out something was very wrong. No matter hard I tried I kept failing and with the marines the way it works if you screw it everyone else gets punished as a result. And the reason why I kept messing up was because I had an undiagnosed learning disability making everything. Trying to go through something like Marine Officer Candidate school with something like a visual processing disorder would be the equivalent of someone with dyslexia not knowing and trying to graduate in shakespeare studies. The experience was truly a living hell and to this day I have nightmares every day about it. Eventually I broke and got sent home after three weeks. I was never more depressed in my life and spent an entire month locked in my room away from human contact. I began to think however why did I struggle there so much? Why could I barely read and write as a 20 year old? Why couldn't I even recognize my own parents face until I was five years old? Why did I get lost and have such bad coordination yet was in incredibly good shape? I realized there was an answer to this question and I was going to find it. I spent the rest of that summer july and August doing a bunch of psychological testing and was formally diagnosed with a visual processing disorder/dyslexia. I was actually really happy to find out I had this disorder but was really pissed off that it never got detected earlier. I underwent an intensive behavioral vision therapy program for the next two years. It was intensive and required for 20 months of 20-30 hours every week doing things to reverse the effects of this learning disability. I spent more time doing this then school or anything else. I was sick of failing things because of this learning disability that for my junior and senior year of school all I cared about was beating it. By the time I had beaten it and was working on it however I never really found another hobby or job and I panicked and applied to the information studies program at Syracuse. I was accepted and began my courses this fall also am a Resident. The thing is -I strongly dislike my classes and my major and all my classes -Overcoming that learning disability as awesome as it was to do that drained me so much that I feel like I have no energy for classes -Because of that whole experience with the marines and learning disability caused me to somewhat break down emotionally and cause symptoms of PTSD -I do not know what to do I never thought about anything else but being in special forces then after failing overcoming the learning disability that I jut panicked and applied to a program so I could get a job without thinking -I don't know what to do I have no long term goals I hate my classes and program but I don't know where I can get a long term job I am completely lost because all I thought about was the learning disability.