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Teethwax, what a strong post, good for you.

Thanks Headcold, great advice.

One think that might work is to jot down some of your thoughts are questions on the assigned readings before you go to class. Another suggestion would be to listen carefully to what one of your classmates says and see if you can build off of his or her comment.Make it a point to say at least one comment each class-trust me, once you say that one comment, you will find that you will be excited to say even more. It's a matter of just jumping into discussion, no one is going to create that space for you but yourself. Good luck!

I feel for you Headcold...I also got a B+ this semester and felt the same way you did, thouh this course is outside my department. This was my firsy semester teaching along with taking 3 courses so I am in the process of trying not to be so hard on myself for struggling this semester. I think you are doing the right thing by talking to this professor, which is something I plan on doing as well. Also, it is okay to be upset-emotions are emotions and they are neither good or bad. You obviously care about doing your best. Thanks so much for posting your concern.

I definitely agree with this to a certain extent. I think it is a balance of admiring someone's accomplishments without thinking that that you are inferior becaiuse you don't have those same things. I also think that you are not always meant to have exactly what someone else has, which I am also trying to be at peace with. I would like to think that I should be happy with my own path. But I also think it is okay to be inspired by others. So again this is all to say that I am trying not to base my self-worth on comparisons.

Thank you guys so much for the great advice. This all has really motivated me to do my best next semester. I do realize that someone will always be better than you in some way but it is also a matter of playing to your strengths. Lastly there are things out of my control-I did not mention that this friend attended an instituition that is popular among some of the professors at our department in our field and is an instituition that our mutual friend attended. The professor who had given my friend the ra position had taught at that instituion as well. I think I spent so much time thinking that i was already the underdog that i forgot about what I can control. Thanks for putting things in focus guys.

Can someone let me know what are the guidelines when it comes to sending out conference abstracts? Specifically, are you allowed to send an abstract to multiple conferences or do you send it to one conference organizer at a time? I ask this because it does seem as though organizers take a while to respond to your abstract-I am worried that I will wait too long and get rejected by one conference and it will be too late to send my abstract out to another conference that might have accepted this same abstract. However, I am also wary of getting accepted to multiple conferences and having to revoke my position-I definitely do not want to be burning potential bridges. Thanks for your advice!

I agree with DarwinAG-it is all about fit.

So sorry thatsAwhat. I am currently in graduate school but I did not get in any schools my first time around. Fortunately, an advisor I had during that time suggested I look into fellowship/post-bacc programs I could do for a year while I tried applying again. I did end up doing that, which kept me busy while I waited for another application round while also provided me with a source of income. Sometimes these programs have a stipend and you don't pay any tuition. You might want to look into those as a back-up. You could also see if any of your professors would be willing to hire you as a T.A. or an R.A. for a year. However, on the other end, try to be optimistic!

fuzzylogician: Definitely needed to hear what you just posted, thanks so much, really.

I am realizing that the length of my post might be discouraging posters to respond, sorry!

Dear Posters, I am in need of some help and advice. I am currently having an issue with jealousy- I am both ashamed to share but also realize that it is ruining my self-esteem and simultaneously the joy I once had in my department. I am currently in a doctoral program in education, an achievement that I am definitely proud of because it took a lot of hard work plus a lot of ups and downs to get to where I am-started my program in my early 30s. However, I am also aware that I have very low self-esteem, something which I am going to counseling for and know that I will definitely have to work on if I want to be successful in this program. When I entered my program, there was one colleague in my cohort that, over time, grew to be a good friend of mine. This happened in spite of a couple instances when I did realize that the department seemed to value him more than me-ranging from fellowships to comments in class to assistant positions. There was an assistant position, for example, advertised during our first year that I had put off applying for because we were not supposed to be working--it was a service free year. The professor who had advertised the position to both of us did not get back to me when I had asked if I was even suppose to apply to the position. However, my friend ended up applying anyway and did end up getting the position. This position has definitely opened lots of doors for him--now he has multiple professors asking for him to be their research assistant and he even got acknowledged by the professor he worked with in the professor's book. This same professor shared at a party that our mutual mentor (the one who had told us about the research position) had suggested he choose my friend. This definitely hurt me, although the professor had no clue (or at least I think he didn't) that I had planned on applying. On another more recent occasion, another professor that shares our research interests chose my friend to be his research assistant-a mutual friend of ours in our program had been his assistant and had told us that he would probably be the professor's assistant for a while so we should hold off on asking the professor for a position. I do not know how it all unfolded, but before I know it, my friend and our mutual friend are having coffee together with this professor and and are figuring out how they will all work together. Again, this was another instance when I should not have played nice (I think?) and just went ahead and got the positions that I wanted. What bothers me the most is that this professor works more in my sub-field than my friend. Right now I feel as though I do not have the support I need from the professors I had originally planned to work with, they seem to appreciate my friend and his work more than mine, which just makes me feel lost and disappointed. At the same time, I have started distancing myself from my friend, which is something I am not proud of. I think that it has just become hard for me not to be awkward around him. I think one of the reasons I have done this is because I do feel that professors and some of my colleagues have begun to put us side by side--there have been instances when a professor has said that I specialize in what my friend does (never the way around) even though I don't. I think I have also been tired of being the wingman. This friend also has the habit of only talking about himself when we are around and parading with a modesty that I am not sure is genuine all of the time. Again, I do know that this is probably my jealousy and envy talking, which definitely is warping my whole perspective. My big issue is that I am always comparing myself to this friend to the point that it is making me both physically and mentally sick and exhausted. I have anxiety if I have to be in the same room with this person, and I am not quite sure where to even begin to fix all of this. My anxiety has even gotten to the point that I have been thinking that spending time in this program is not worth it if the professors I am supposed to work with ignore me or don't spend as much as an investment in my work because of this friend. Also, because of this friend's many connections, I do have the fear that if I step on his toes, he could definitely make sure I do not get a position in the future as well as bring all of our mutual friends to his side. And I am fully prepared for people to call this paranoia-I'm such a mental mess! I also know that I might be using the word "friend" incorrectly, because friends are suppose to support each other and not hope that they fail. So compacted with everything is just the voice in my head saying that I am a horrible person for feeling this way. This feeling has been something I have tried so hard to get rid of and hide, especially because I know that this feeling would not be tolerated in my circle of friends in the department, who expect that we all support each other. I think that from previous experiences I have had in my life, I just cannot stand being a wingman or to be in someone else's shadow--if I sense that is happening, I shut off and feel threatened. I think this stems from being taken advantaged of in certain situations in the past. I feel that I have supported this friend and his endeavors to the extent that I forgot to make sure I am getting what I need. I apologize for such a long and toxic post everyone. I figured I would let it all out and get it out of my system and try to fix all of this before it gets any worse. Again, I know that I have a lot of work to do, and thanks for hearing me out! I would really appreciate suggestions on how to combat academic jealousy, what to do about this friend (if there is anything I can do), and how to fix my overall perspective on graduate school right now.