Jump to content

studybunny

Members
  • Posts

    5
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Profile Information

  • Program
    English ph.d.

studybunny's Achievements

Decaf

Decaf (2/10)

0

Reputation

  1. I guess part of the problem is that I had what I considered to be a bad conversation with a secondary adviser before accepting and I now can't get it out of my head. Everyone (including one former adviser) agrees that this person has a horrible personality. But since it is such a small department, it is almost certain that he will in fact end up being a committee member of mine and I don't yet know/trust the extent to which my main adviser will be able to protect me from his wrath. Each day, I think about how nice and receptive "the one" was at school B and it makes it very hard to feel good about my decision because I anticipate more personality conflicts at school A. The sad part is that this conflict is all because of his dislike of the old research interest, so it's not really me personally, but I have to deny my interests in order to garner his good will. It's painful. I went to the doctor today and they had to take my blood pressure three times because my heart was pounding so badly. I keep having these panic attacks thinking about the new guy and it makes me either want to call the old school (where I'm sure, at this point, it is unlikely they will still have a spot for me) or not go to the new school. Then I think about my recommendation letter writers, esp. the one who has the connection to the new main adviser at school A, and wonder whether I will ever be able to get a letter from her and the others again if it doesn't work out at the new school. I feel like I've consigned myself to a higher stakes environment, which I have because it's a better program in my subfield, but that in doing this, I might have shot myself in the foot on future career success because it will be harder to graduate successfully. I keep going up and down with it but the panic is exhausting. A doctor today said I was in crisis and needed to go to the hospital. I wish I could call the recommendation letter writers and admit what's going on (I never told anyone about the bad conversation) but I'm too afraid of how they'll react. I wish I could call school B but my fear for my professional image keeps holding me back.
  2. thank you, "a cup of coffee" (which, by the way, is the last thing I need right now!)
  3. Thank you so much, sdklos, for your vote of confidence. I hadn't thought about it this way and your comments help add perspective. Here's more info: School A (which I chose): private equal overall rank as school B but better reputation in my particular literary subfield, hence potentially better job upon completing a lot more money (about 24,000 for four years, plus 19,000 in year five, this includes a competitive university-wide fellowship) a lot less teaching: no teaching in first two years, small classes after that, only teach comp once, greater focus on courses you design less of a fit with the literary research interests I always thought I'd follow, but already have an adviser clearly lined up who is connected to a previous adviser of mine and comes highly recommended. She is willing to work with me on old focus to some extent, but also expects me to branch out into new goals stated in SOP (Fear: what if the intended diss. topic they're all so game on doesn't work out? Do I have a fallback?) less classes in the interest I thought I'd follow + more interdisciplinary work expected better climate scary future committee member in a small department where personality issues have greater potential to metastasize School B: state less money (17,500 in the first year, about 16,000 years 2-6) significantly more teaching: grading for up to 50 students in each semester of the second year, teach comp. at least 4 times "the one" - a woman another department who focuses specifically on my older interests, albeit across disciplines. I am familiar with her work and teach her stuff in my classes. Very amenable to working with me, but other committee members in home department are considered weak in my subfield, so potentially poorer job upon graduation. (One member was so young she had never chaired a diss committee before, which would require co-chairing by the woman in the other department) less demand to develop the new interests which might, actually, prove more viable more classes in the old interest I thought I'd follow bad weather large program where the focus on individual students seemed less of a priority a dearth of students in my subfield Basically, this all comes down to research, I think. The old stuff I love and the new stuff I now really must do in order to survive at school A. It's freaking me out to be taken so seriously with no research plan under my belt. It's making me sad to feel I have to move away from the literature I always loved and thought I would specialize in. But it would also make me sad, I think, to go to the less prestigious school where I'd be just one in a crowd when I worked so hard to get into a top place. I feel torn.
  4. . . . and want to call the other school. I have been having panic attacks and upset stomach literally every morning since the 12th when I decided because I physically couldn't take indecision anymore. Now, with some of the pressure worn off, I see I might have made the wrong choice. I say might because I have glimmers of hope, sometimes, if I can keep the panic at bay. I am trying to work it out in my head but have never been so scared in my life. I don't want to alienate advisers and future job prospects and I even anticipate all the negative comments I might get here. I am scared of going; I am scared of not going; I am scared of having to transfer; I am scared of not being able to transfer. This seemed like the easiest/best decision all throughout, but bad conversations occurred at the 11th hour and I accepted despite those and now feel enormously worried and unsure. I also wonder whether I was kidding myself all along about the program that seemed best at first and should have taken other schools more seriously. But I did try. I visited everywhere. I took notes. I spent hours on the phone talking to potential advisers at all schools. I am too exhausted right now to give all the details, but am wondering how many people right now are thinking of rescinding acceptances or calling back declined schools. It is awful, I know. I never thought I'd hear myself saying this, but I also never thought I'd wake up ill every morning for a week and a half. I can't not go. But I feel like I'm walking into the mouth of a lion.
  5. Dear Wednesday, I just wanted to write to let you know that I, too, feel very ambivalent about my acceptance of a program and am already planning for the contingency of having to leave if it doesn't work out. If the program you accepted offers an MA along the way, it is acceptable to take that and then re-apply to other programs later on. The odds are harder on MA students, generally, but some schools prefer them for their greater research experience. I had a friend who debated about two Ph.D. programs until the last minute, picked one in panic, and regretted it. She called the declined school a few days later and the offer was gone. But, a year later, she successfully transferred to a third program of equal quality. For myself, this gives me hope. Perhaps it will for you as well. My vote is to call the school you declined and ask (anonymously, even) if they still have a slot open for a prospective who declined or if everything has been given away to waitlistees. If they still have a spot, be unashamed about asking for it back if that's what you really want. But realize, too, that "crippling self doubt" is sort of par for the course with graduate school and that something made you pick that other program. Go with your heart. You're young and will feel better that you tried to get back into the other program if that's what you really want, I think. And if the spot is gone, you can transfer with MA as stated above.
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This website uses cookies to ensure you get the best experience on our website. See our Privacy Policy and Terms of Use