[Collaboration and Competition]

Wow, a lot of interceding issues and complications in the OP.

 

Your friend is not doing anything blatantly against you from what I can tell. It seems to me that initially in your friendship, she was 'non-threatening'. Now, the relationship has evolved to where she is gaining some more self-confidence in her presence in the program, and you are envious of that. Her self-confidence could be coming attempts to compete with you, but more importantly, your perception is that the friendship playing field is no longer equal. This in part, is why you wish to know more about what is going on with her and her life. The perceived secretiveness about her life only fuels your suspicion that her actions within the department may have ulterior motives. Perhaps she does not feel comfortable discussing personal information to what are essentially co-workers. What she is doing is realizing what she needs to do to position herself favorably within and outside her department. It is obvious that a good work ethic, along with active participation in departmental affairs helps her in that regard. This is also something that you should do. Instead, you're letting your self-esteem and enviousness get in the way of your own progression.

 

As for your advisor, I can completely sympathize. Your advisor is undoubtedly the biggest influence in your graduate school career. The validation, or lack thereof, we receive from our advisors largely shapes our identity within, and in most cases, outside the program. One of the biggest things I've learned in graduate school is to seek multiple mentors; even those not in your department.  

 

In a final point, you must...MUST...resist 'leveling' with your cohort mates. As you probably can tell, it is mentally nauseating to seesaw back and forth about what another person has or doesn't have (e.g., I keep myself up more, I have an official RA position, I have kids so I can't possibly be a high overachiever like this person, etc). If you and your friend got together and both of you threw all of your problems in a pile for each other to see, you'd quickly grab yours back. That's just the nature of life. You can only do the best you can do, especially when you have other more pressing obligations (children).

 

I would also not be upset about keeping your distance from this relationship. Regardless whether your insecurities are to blame, you should not be in a relationship where you don't feel worthy. Good relationships feel good. This is not just limited to romantic relationships, but to all of your relationships.

[reverse snobbery re: academic achievement]

The OP's conceptualized this term "reverse academic snobbery" as a function of an individual's education level. Terribly misguided. I fully stand behind my original comment.

 

To place my position in further context, I am an academic engineer and even in a STEM field, I still face onslaughts of family and close friends who are not entirely receptive of my continuing to a PhD. The gamut runs from 'you're an engineer- why don't you go out and work', to 'you should have went to medical school', etc. And these are people with considerably less education than I. Do I think that their sometimes hurtful comments and opinions about my academic successes are a function of their lower level of education? Absolutely not. In fact, once I began to be self-effacing and honest with myself, the reason why their comments hurt so much because therein lies elements of truth. I am taking a financial risk in endeavoring for tenure track position instead of working in industry or attending medical school. I am taking a risk in family planning. I am taking a risk in my own emotional sanity and mental health. These are indisputable facts. Sometimes it is good to be around those that are not shielded by the 'life of the mind' to keep life in perspective, unless it becomes emotionally unhealthy, and in that case it is time to restrain yourself at all costs from those individuals. 

[reverse snobbery re: academic achievement]

I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this question, but here goes:

 

For those of you who have run into this, how do you deal with reverse academic snobbery?  I mean a scenario where someone with less formal education than you being dismissive of your education.  I've known people who apparently think nothing of any value is taught at universities, except for STEM stuff, and that pursuing study in anything other than a STEM field is a sign of a frivolous nature and stupidity.  There is an element of having to hide/downplay your achievements/smarts/knowledge  in order to get along/fit in, but of course that gets old after a while.

 

I'm in such a situation right now and I won't be able to just get out of it in the foreseeable future.  I will eventually, but in the meantime.... what to do?

 

OP, I once heard that 80% of questions are really statements in disguise. With that said, I can't help but wonder if what you term as "reverse academic snobbery" is in fact your reaction of those people not oohing and aahing over your prestigious affiliations and accolades as you feel they should be. It's almost as if how dare those with 'less formal education' (which is quite the coded language btw) not find value and subtle enviousness of my achievements, smarts and knowledge --- how are you assuming they don't have any of that themselves? I also have a very hard time believing that the main source of your interactions and conversations with these people surround them bashing your education, and if so, perhaps it is time to forcibly remove yourself from interactions with those people at all costs. I think you downplay your attributes, not as a consequence of their 'reverse academic snobbery', but it is because you realize that you cannot use that arsenal in order to make yourself level, or in most ways, feel superior to them as you internally believe you are. 

[Too dumb for grad school?]

 

 

Sometimes, you just have to give yourself permission to suck.

 

This is quite possibly the single best piece of advice I've ever read. Thank you.

[Working during Graduate School]

I am about to start graduate school at Columbia, pursuing an MA in art history. I recently had an opportunity to start working part-time, which wold be great because it pays high enough that I could cover my living expenses. However, the position is for a few hours every weekday

 

Assuming you aren't living under the bridge, you snagged quite a deal in that a part-time job could cover your living expenses in NYC. Impressive.

 

 

With that said, the question is will the demand of your field, be it industry or academia post-MA, afford you the opportunity to sacrifice either a) grades or networking opportunities in order to have temporary part-time income? Now that I think about it, I don't know of any field, regardless of how technical it is, that would give such job stability. However, some fields are better than others. If your field is ultra-competitive (and intuitively you should have some knowledge of this), then you should take best care to make sure your profile (grades, research, portfolio, etc.) is of high quality. A part-time job, especially a *few* hours every day may not seem like a lot, but when you count lectures, outside projects, readings, course papers, manuscripts, meetings, etc. those hours during the week add up. So much so that you maybe sacrificing quite a bit academically and professionally. If that is the case, it maybe better to take out a little bit extra in federal loans (if you can) and spend those part-time hours working/networking your arse off to position yourself in the most competitive place when you're done!

[What is a good GPA for a graduate student?]

I think the extent of your GPA 'mattering' is largely a function of a) industry demand for your degree and/or whether you are applying for external fellowships. My masters program is fairly marketable, thus, a 3.0 GPA is our department's minimum requirement, and our preceptors don't really care unless we fall below a 3.0 and the graduate school is flagged.