Personally there is not enough about YOU in there. Take the fluff out. Concentrate on your experience, what you felt. I think its very good, very very well written, but it just needs tweaking
I feel the starts to the imposter syndrome I have heard. I'm having second thoughts as I try to pull a personal statement out of my brain. Everything I write, I delete. It has been this way for three months. Anyone else deal with this?
If I ever do actually write a statement.. is it bad to include that my tuition is already paid in full as a benefit of being a prior Marine? (As long as the school is a yellow ribbon which my first choice is)