Zil

My obligation is fairly typical. I have an teaching assistantship in which I'm currently teaching a section of basic Spanish four days a week. I assume that I should have no trouble leaving (paying back money, primarily) as long as I finish out the full semester. I would like to double-check everything with someone at the university, but I'm afraid to ask our actual departmental financial admin right now because I don't want word to get around (I get the feeling the dept head knows everyone and keeps up with everything. I actually find that I really dislike her.). Yes, you've got me spot on. I had already accepted the offer to this new PhD program by March, but my job contract didn't end until the last day of July. Which left me already with 4 months to start doubting the rapidity of my decision to apply. But by the time my doubts really picked up, I already was committed, I already had an apartment, and my fiancee already had a job in the new city. I felt I had to go give it a shot. And here I am in some strange calm zen state after having crying and panic attacks since week 2. I am considering a few options for employment. What is awkward right now is trying to keep up with the academic work while also making time to search for jobs. That plus I have to keep reminding myself that I am allowed to look out for myself and not feel guilty for being perfect in all of my classes at this point. Fall break and Thanksgiving are coming, so I hope to get a more concrete thing going. For temporary employment, the university athletic tutoring center pays well. I am also considering applying for another Americorps program to get work experience in a high school because I am seriously considering applying to teach foreign language or work with ESOL students. I have taught foreign language (Spanish, English, German) in varying capacities for a few years now, and it is the one constant that I have enjoyed. I have also been regularly complemented on my ability to break down and present clearly complicated things. I enjoy that and I feel like foreign language/ESOL would be a way to play to those strengths. You see, another reason why I want to get out sooner than later is because I received money for school as part of the compensation for my service year. Currently I'm using that money to cover fees, but I want a lot of it to still be available in case I end up taking classes to retrain for becoming a teacher or ESOL specialist. If I go through another semester, I will lose another 1/5 of that education funding. It wouldn't be the end of the world to lose another chunk of that funding, but it is an added pressure in the back of my mind. Your final question is absolutely right. I don't regret getting the M.A. because 1) I'm typically fantastic at justifying my questionable decisions (but not this time! Which is the biggest red flag) and 2) in all seriousness, it gave me a chance to teach Spanish and take a couple of second-language acquisition teaching courses. I also got to go to Peru and do a couple of teaching internships, as well as learn that I am pretty good at working in intercultural contexts. I also learned how complex rhetoric is and how all writing is ideological in some way. All of the things learned there have been very important for me. HOWEVER, every professor I knew always seemed to assume that based on what I had done, I would become a professor. And really, at the M.A. level there was no great reason to assume that beyond the fact that that is what their jobs are. The program I was in was not PhD track, you had to reapply for the PhD program. But their repeating it and my naivete were a bad combo. When I look back on it, I see clearly that I was a very insecure, anxious person looking for approval. All of my moving toward a PhD was very much founded on that emotional state, but nobody questioned me reasons for doing anything, least of all me.

I actually got into literature via anthropology. When I graduated with my B.A., I wasn't sure what to do, so I applied to the Spanish program following the advice of a professor. I decided the teaching experience would be good, and an M.A. wouldn't hurt. I enjoyed linguistics, but veered into literature because of a professor there who ran an international program brought students to the Amazon every year. I felt that I might be able to study some unusual combination of anthropology and Amazonian literature, which I sort of did. I didn't continue on to the PhD, though. I had some hangups about it, something didn't sit well in my stomach. My experience in the Amazon was invaluable, but the prospect of making my personal career off of the people I met there seemed unusual to me. During my year out of school, somehow I started to idealize the whole proposition of literature again. I could study social issues! And Comp Lit would allow me flexibility (U.S., Latin America, ecology, society, race, nation, all that fun stuff). Someday I might become a professor and combine literature and service learning. What I said 6 mos. ago seems naive now. But I am finding that while this program appears flexible, the director is kind of pushy and quite obviously sees tenure-track as the only career option. And while that may have appeared attractive at one time, my service year has changed my priorities more than I could have realized in such a short amount of time. Writing papers about things feels rather empty in comparison to having that concrete everyday interaction that I came to rely upon. Even if the everyday can be tedious sometimes, it makes me feel like I'm going somewhere, which makes me feel more healthy mentally. Based on my experience last year, I have become interested in pursuing Adult Education or ESOL, or simply becoming a high school Spanish teacher. I have also considered trying to start a small tutoring business on the side, because I have done this before. The university that I am at doesn't really have any other programs or focus tracks that I could combine with Comp Lit that would open up those or other options. I can study multiple subjects, which is nice, but none of these would have the application-focus that I feel I need. I believe that I could've researched this program better than I did. I'm feeling somewhat trapped. Unfortunately I don't think we have a grad assistant union at my school :/. So I will have to see.

Thank you all for your replies. I do realize that this facing the truth is better than continuing on denying it, I just wish I could've realized this in a more convenient way . I guess this is how life works. I'm trying to get an appointment with a counselor because I agree that it would be productive to talk to a 3rd party who is familiar with these kinds of issues to help unpack them. Plus, holding this all in my head while I continue to act "normal" every day is going to make me crazy. I am working on thinking of what to do. I do know a few things. I enjoy teaching, presenting information. I also like working in project-oriented interpersonal positions. I'm a little bit of a dilettante, but going against those impulses in the name of specialization has not served me well at all mentally. I am looking at becoming an athletic center tutor and/or joining a school-based service program to see if I might be interested in teaching high school. I would also look at community college adjuncting to keep me afloat financially. As socially-awkward as I am, I do better in environments where I am pushed to interact with a variety of personalities. Seeing as though I will have to talk to my advisor, do you all have any suggestions about when the best time to do this in the semester? I am participating in a small on-campus conference that my advisor is in charge of in November, and of course I still have a month and a half left of classes. The news is going to be the same no matter when I say it, but I can't help but wonder if some time is better than another. Also, can anyone imagine any problems arising due to my TA-ship? I have a 9-month agreement that as long as I am taking classes, I will receive a TAship with a stipend. As far as I can ascertain, I should suffer no penalty as long as I don't quit mid-semester. With that said, I'm already scheduled to teach a section of Spanish for next semester...are there any issues that might arise with that that I'm overlooking? I'm still petrified to ask anyone (even admin) within the dept about this.

Hi ya'll, My situation is probably an exercise in utter stupidity, but not everyone comes out of the womb secure in themselves and knowing exactly what they want. I completed a M.A. in Spanish literature in 2012. I decided at that time not to persue the PhD for a number of reasons that were still nebulous to me at that moment: something about needing more free time, something about being too lonely, something about not liking literature that much after all, something about having a more balanced schedule. Mostly it was a gut feeling that something was wrong. I took a year away and worked in a paid volunteer position that began in Sept 2012. But already in October of last year I felt the grad school itch. I had worked so hard on my M.A. and I had learned so much. I had had the opportunity to travel. My professors all believed without a doubt that I would return and they all warned me about taking too much time off. My GRE scores would expire soon. My volunteer position would only last a year and then I would be out of work again. And my stupid ego was still all wrapped up in the small pleasures I received from being awarded for academic work. So I started applying for 2013. Only one month after beginning my new job. Only one month of living a new life outside of school. My ego, anxiety and lack of patience won. And here I am now in Fall 2013 with a teaching stipend in a PhD program and I'm hating every minute of it. I tried to think positively at the beginning, but every week I feel more and more anxious, to the point where I feel physically ill. I know I will not finish and I need to get out. All the reasons that I left after the M.A. have flooded back to me and are paralyzing me. My interests and my general ability will not be enough to carry me through and I am totally fine with that because I finally see the light. I didn't know what I wanted for myself for years and years, and here I am at 25, someone who doesn't even like reading fiction, working on a Literature PhD. I'm amazed at my own ignorance of self. I can't lie to myself or those around me anymore because I've finally pinpointed that the problem is me. I don't expect sympathy because I can see in clear relief now that my unhappiness is the result of my own lack of self-knowledge. What I need is advice on how to leave as soon as possible. I will finish the semester, but I can't imagine continuing for another one because that will result in me wasting time and energy, in more advisors wasting more resources on me, a person who doesn't want to be there. I don't want to be here taking up stipend money that another person could be using. I also don't want to appear ungreatful, I just want to tell the truth and move on and not darken the doors of literary academia ever again. Any advice on how best to proceed?