JustAPsychologist11

I feel like I want to put up a bit of an update. Okay ... so I applied to 9 schools. It was a bit of a sh*tshow, but the apps did go in. I believe that my letters, although glowing, may not have been the best fit for my applications because I never asked for a letter from someone who actually knows all of my POIs (because I'm an idiot). Also, I threw in a random clinical rec for some of my heavily experimental programs. (I'm applying cog neuro but I'm interested in clinical questions so I thought it made sense but it actually didn't). When I told this professor about this she basically said, well...now you know what to do for next year and that she will write a letter for me the next time around if I have to do this process again. Also, I'm worried that my SOPs sucked and I didn't contact my POIs as I should have, but I feel like I learned something. I'm much more clear about what I want and don't want at this point and, now that the meds have kicked in and I've quit my adjunct gig, I actually feel stable again and have the time/energy to do this! I'm excited about stuff again, and am so thrilled to be able to read and contact people again. I haven't felt this way in almost a year. I'm going to spend the next six months continuing to work in this lab and get EEG experience, I'm going to brush up on my coding skills, I'm taking a doctoral stats class next semester, and I'm considering working in a second lab to get some fMRI experience. I'm doing NOTHING ELSE for the next 9-10 months except lab work. The thing is, between these two labs I'll actually be working with two of my POIs for one of my schools. So, next year when I apply, hopefully I'll have three letters from people who know my research abilities and two of the letters will actually be from people I'm applying to anyway. Also, between them, they know everyone else I'm applying too. For next year I'm either going to stay here and keep volunteering (or see if I can get hired) in the labs and get more deeply involved, or I'll apply to work with one of my POIs at another institution who's hiring this year. He tends to take people on 2-year contracts for lab manager/research coordinator positions (unfortunately, that pushes my ability to apply back another year... but I'll deal because it's a great offer in the extremely unlikely chance it works out). So, all that said, my chances for next year seem much better given my plans for the next 10-18ish months. Have I screwed up my chances for next year by keeping my applications in the pool this cycle? Will having already applied once preclude me from being accepted even though my CV will be better because I'm doing a lot in the next year? Should I withdraw my apps from some of the more competitive school so that I actually have a shot for next year at those programs (I mean, my GRE scores, GPA, and research experience make me a decent candidate... I don't want to shoot myself in the foot)? Meh.

Hey guys, Thanks for your replies. This helps. Thank you. I do have a therapist... the problem is that she makes it seem like it isn't a big deal and that there is no real reason why I should be freaking out this much. She underestimates this process and my anxieties and constantly tells me that I'm just letting this anxiety get a hold of me when it shouldn't. I actually felt pressure to apply from her but that's a stupid reason to do anything. I know. Maybe I need a new therapist. I also wasn't completely correct when I said that no one knows. My MA thesis adviser is at a different school...she knows. I spoke with her today. She told me that I should just push along and that if I fall, I'll pick myself up like I always do and will make up for it when I'm okay. I don't know how much I agree. She just said that I had to make sure that I ended up in a lab with compassionate people who are okay with my downs as long as I am doing everything I can to be okay. I would never tell people in which ever dept I'm going to that I'm mentally ill unless I HAVE to. I'm have no intention of using it in my SOP... I have lots of other things I can write about and I don't have any gaps or inconsistencies I have to explain away. It sucks... all my LORs, GRE scores, and transcripts have already gone out, so I can't back out now. I think I'm just going to push through this semester with the applications. I'll contact POIs now even though it's too late. Just damage control and do the best I can. Then, next semester I'll apply for RA/RC/Lab Manager positions? I have enough experience for that I think. I'll use my rejections to help me apply more effectively in the future. I can consider this last admissions cycle a very expensive mistake and pick myself again for another application cycle sometime in the future. Thanks for listening.

I would never mention my illness. No one knows about it at school. I'm 24.

I'm sorry if this comes across as if I'm fishing for compliments/looking for sympathy but I don't know who else to talk to about this in my real life and I need to get this off my chest. I have a BA/MA in psych and I graduated last September (2012). I have a 3.93 overall GPA, and a 3.96 psych GPA. My GRE scores are a 162 Q, 165V, and a 5.5. So my scores/GPA look decent, but I know that that will only get me so far. I have three first-author poster presentations at conferences (EPA, APS, and APSS... the national Sleep conference) and I've completed a masters' thesis (I didn't submit it for publication because it didn't go as planned). I don't have any publications. However, I've had a year's gap now in my research since the MA partially because of my anxiety and mental health issues. I'm bipolar and I had an episode. I think I burned a bridge with someone because I had to disappear for a semester. Then, the second semester, I attempted to do stuff on my own but it didn't work out. Looking back, I've had episodes many times in my years as an undergraduate/MA student and was even hospitalized once. Even though it doesn't look it on my CV or transcript, I failed... I didn't do all that I could have done. All of my research thus far have been in the general area of the things I want to apply to. I have about 3 years of experience in one lab that I started as an REU student and finished with an MA, and I've been volunteering in another lab for the past semester as an RA but in a very limited capacity because of my schedule. In the past 1.5 years, I've been a TA for a couple of classes. I've also taught various classes as an instructor from intro to psych for high school students to an upper-division seminar in sleep. But, I know that teaching experience was probably not the best use of my gap year if a research based PhD was my goal. I feel like I wasted my gap years. I've been very lucky to have great mentors in my life but I can't work any of them for graduate work (interests aren't really a fit). So I have three strong letters from two professors and a clinical supervisor (m interests in cog neuro have a clinical slant) who know me extremely well (they let me read them). But, because of the issues I have with my mental illness, I'm so scared to apply. I keep freaking out about what will happen if I go somewhere and fail because of my illness and lack of confidence. Every time I open my mouth I am an airhead...I sound like an idiot. My anxiety was so bad that I couldn't bring myself to look at schools or contact all my PIs. I have panic attacks when ever I write my statements. I put together my list haphazardly and, so, it is feels unrealistic although there are at least two people at each school with whom I want to work. I'm going through with my applications, but should I have even bothered? Would I even get in without contacting PIs? I'm applying to CUNY, the University of Pittsburgh, Stony Brook, Northwestern, the University of British Columbia, Stanford, UNC-Chapel Hill, U Michigan-Ann Arbor, and Duke. This doesn't feel right but I want to go to graduate school really badly. Research is the only thing that usually keeps me happy. There is nothing else I want to do. I have trouble waking up sometmes because it's just hit me that I may never accomplish my dreams. I worked in my first cogneuro lab when I was 16... I was there for a while but had a manic episode so I don't usually mention it. Should I have bothered applying? Sorry for rambling, I had to get this off my chest.