tislbken

So, I ended up having an extremely volatile affair with my unofficial advisor while an MA student. He's unfortunately an extremely well-known scholar in the field, but a sociopath, a liar (lied about his marriage and never wore his wedding ring in public), and we unfortunately worked very, very closely together. I had no idea what I was getting into, and since lots of time has passed, I'm beginning to see things more clearly. My other friends, who are professors or in the field, say that he took complete advantage of me. To be clear, I never "wanted" any career benefits from this... We came together out of a mutual attraction, and we shared lots of ideas, and it just turned into a weird, intensely intellectual relationship. As a result, I spent most of professional time and energy with/on that asshole. I've pretty much read and edited everything he's written and published for the last couple of years and he's read all of my work. We were involved for about 3 years. He was supposed to be one of my recommenders for PhD programs, but more and more, he's distancing himself from me professionally, despite always saying that us not seeing each other anymore wouldn't affect his support of my work and the fact that he believes I am "brilliant," etc. etc. So, not only did he damage me completely emotionally, but now he's jeopardizing my future in a field that I've invested so much time and energy into. What the fuck do I do? I have 2 other recommenders who will write very strong letters for me. He was my third. I have been out of school for a year and can't just strike up a strong working relationship with other former professors; too late for that. Believe me, I wish I didn't even need his recommendation. I hate him so fucking much. But you know how this field is. My plan was to get into a good program, strike up an honest and healthy relationship with a new professor, and completely cut off all ties with former professor. I'm really, really upset and freaking out about whether I should even pursue this road anymore, given that everything has become bound up with the horrific experience of knowing him. I hate being in this position right now. It's really fucking unfair. I'm probably too traumatized still. I intentionally took time off from school to try to get over all of this. PS: I know I'm an idiot for getting involved in the first place, but I was young, dumb, and inexperienced, and the whole situation was complicated and deceitful. Please spare the judgment remarks.