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lesleyrachel2

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  1. Hi, I know there are a lot of threads here about people dealing with depression/anxiety/imposter syndrome during their MA programs, but I have only gone to a few classes and I am already unmotivated, depressed and having two panic attacks every day. I have a history of depression/anxiety and have taken medication for it for years, but this feels "different." I have been dreading starting the program for the last two months and have been incredibly depressed--questioning what I am doing/why I am doing this. To provide more context: I am a very introverted person who has social anxiety and who is willing to do literally anything to avoid speaking in front of people. I knew that I would have to present my research at some point, but for the three classes I am taking, it seems like I am required to present/speak weekly. It is not so much the work that I am fearful of, but the fact that I will be engaging with a room full of people constantly, attempting to perform in a way that I feel entirely uncomfortable doing. When I am forced to speak, I stumble over my words and completely blank. My poor communication skills will, I am sure, also bring down my grades in classes that I would otherwise be doing alright in (if there was not this social component). Although I knew that this environment wouldn't feel natural for me, the way that the program is structured goes against everything that I feel and know. I feel horrible because I am considering leaving the program already. There is a small part of me that wants to try, but the fact that I am already feeling so incredibly depressed so soon into the program is sending up red flags for me. I have been thinking a lot about why I am actually there, and why I applied, what I want to do, etc. I think I did this because I knew that I would get in (I did very well on my undergrad), and because there would be funding. I thought it would be something enjoyable that I could do over the next two years so that I wouldn't have to work outside of the school because the funding could take care of my living costs. I like the subject and enjoy learning about it, but in reality, I have never had any desire to participate in conferences, share my research, or contribute to the academic field. I have no desire to to stay in academia or become a professor. I am also very aware of the job market in the humanities and know that there would not be any opportunities for me to use my MA for anything outside of working in academia/continuing on to do a PhD. I at first thought that this would be something that is enjoyable, and for me. It doesn't feel like this. I am not "excited" about my classes or research, or even waking up in the morning. I don't know what I will do if I leave, but I don't know if I can cope with staying. I don't know if I am looking for advice or just a place to write this out. If anyone has been in the same situation, it would be interesting to hear from you.
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