Hi fellow gradcafe-ers
I've been a longtime lurker and am taking the plunge in order to get some advice. I feel like there is no one who really understands what I am going through, despite talking to my therapist, supervisor, trusted colleagues and loved ones. I am hoping to get some sound advice from you all as fellow grad students and appreciate you taking the time to read my post, which will be long.
I entered my PhD program in 2012 and excelled in my first year. It was difficult after moving to a new city and having to adjust to a new school as well as a new set of colleagues. I had a great funding package which allowed me to live comfortably. I became friends with some people in my cohort and adjusted to life here. I finished my first year feeling pretty good and was preparing to write my comps in the fall of 2013. In summer of 2013, I fell into a depression (this is pretty cyclical for me and I often go through periods of depression every 2-5 years). I am a survivor of trauma and have been diagnosed with complex ptsd, social anxiety, and major depressive disorder. I have been seeking treatment for the past 15 years, so I knew what I had to do when this episode of depression began. I wasn't functioning and was not ready to write my comprehensive exams in the fall. I needed to reduce my stress and I needed to rest. I took a medical leave of absence from January 2014-September 2014. My department and supervisor were supportive. Between Jan-sept 2014, I signed up for an intensive and innovative trauma therapy program at one of the hospitals here in my city, but was put on a waitlist due to an overwhelming demand. I did some work and was active trying to publish an article, and was ready to prepare for my comprehensive exams, which were rescheduled to spring 2015. I started my semester in fall 2014 feeling more hopeful and was willing to tackle my exams.
I received a call mid-September 2014 from the hospital program saying they had a space for me. It would require that I take time off school or work duties (the program requires you attend 4 days a week for about 8 weeks, with more therapeutic groups and visits for weeks afterward). "Okay, I thought to myself, this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. I am relatively young and thought this might be best for me in the long run to tackle my demons." The problem is my department only allows you to write your exams in the fall or in the spring. So now I had to do my exams this fall (2015), because I wouldn't be done with the trauma therapy program until spring. I told my supervisor and they were very supportive, as before. The hospital program wrote a letter on my behalf and my department and faculty approved another leave, from January 2015-Sept 2015. This means by this September, I will technically be 2.5 years into my program. I was finished with the trauma program at the hospital by March this year. The program was very informative and life-changing, but at the same time, I feel it opened up pandora's box in terms of my PTSD symptoms.
I thought processing my trauma would help, but in reality all it did was make me feel worse. I've been struggling with depression and PTSD symptoms since leaving the trauma program. I haven't touched a book or any work related to the PhD since. I've isolated myself from my academic life (no conferences, no lectures, nothing). I began taking medication recently. I'm trying everything. I've paid so much money out of my own pocket after exhausting my partner's benefits for therapy. I go once a week. I also qualify for another program at the hospital's trauma therapy program and have signed up for free one-on-one therapy there. I feel completely hopeless in terms of my career. I feel like I am a failure and that I entered the program in very good standing and am now watching as all my colleagues are starting to write chapters of their dissertations, or are wrapping up their research. My career and life are falling apart. I am poor now, with no money coming in from my stipend because I am on a leave. I rely entirely on my partner for financial support. My supervisor doesn't know about my condition right now. They're assuming I am going to write my exams this fall. I am nowhere near ready in terms of my health and in terms of studying. I am feeling as though I should just quit and give up. I've been suicidal at some times (don't worry I am always checking-in with my therapist about this). I know part of that is my depression and low self-worth talking, but the more logical and reasonable part of me is saying maybe I am just not cut out for the PhD at this time of my life. I've been struggling for so long that I don't have the energy to keep pushing on in grad school.
My options at this point are: 1) extend the leave and focus on recovery again (but doing this fills me with so much shame, anxiety, and guilt), or 2 withdraw and give up on academia for now to recover, find a job, and maybe come back to the PhD in 1-2 years when I might be more stable.
So my question is do you think it's ridiculous to extend my leave? I feel as though I would be asking too much out of my program. The university allows for 3 terms and they've already extended this limit for me this year out of compassion. So I would have to ask for more time off and this might not be possible. I would like some input on how this might be perceived by my department. I feel as though I have exhausted all my options and am at a critical point in my career. Or, perhaps hearing from others with similar issues would be helpful. Thank you so much for reading.
edited for typos
