howabout

That's what gets to me. I feel like I'm in a bizarro world where trying to make myself happier could make things worse.

I've tried talking it over with faculty of color a couple of times, but it's the same feeling of simultaneous support and lack of support that I feel academically. One thing that makes it difficult is that the faculty is actually more diverse than the student body, so they're really not experiencing what I'm experiencing. Most of the faculty of color got their PhDs at universities where they were pretty much the only student of color in the entire department, so our program is paradise in comparison. They all feel like diversity is important to instruction and happiness, of course, but they also feel like this program's environment is the environment that should make me happy. They want me to succeed, but they also want this to be the program where I succeed, and I can feel that, and it makes it difficult to diving too deeply into anything I'm feeling. I'll try to make it a goal this year to talk about how I'm feeling more openly. I hope I start to enjoy it here, especially because I'm kind of worried that leaving the department early (it takes longer than two years to get the Masters at my program) will have an effect on my academic career (if I still want one). Thanks a lot, you guys. I've lurked this board since I before I started. You are all all-stars, and I really appreciate you all making me feel less unusual.

Thanks both of you, for all of this advice. I will definitely keep the board updated on everything I choose to do, because, like I said, I tried to do some research on my own, but no one talks about this. This was all seriously helpful. I'll try making lemonade before anything too drastic. I think I would feel a lot more hopeless if I thought sticking through an unhappy situation was the only solution. I will try to be more open about my feelings to my advisor and cohort this coming semester, and maybe that will even help with my outlook. Chadillac, what are you doing to cope with these feelings, if you don't mind my asking?

As I get closer to the start of my second year in my graduate program, I am realizing more and more clearly that I am unhappy with my program and would like to leave. Some of the key reasons why I'm unhappy: racial tension on campus and in the department, lack of resources for my particular research interests, and the lack of non-university-related cultural opportunities (concerts, plays, poetry readings, anything that doesn't depend upon going to the library). Very few students (2, at any stage in the program) do what I do, which is isolating, and it means that the classes I'm taking aren't particularly applicable to my dissertation. I like my professors, but I still feel unsupported academically. I'm not angry or even exasperated and I really don't want this to sound more dramatic than it is. I just feel dejected. I'm wondering if there's a chance of transferring to a different English literature program, without even obtaining my Masters. Has anyone heard about this ever happening? I have tried looking on the stackexchange, but I'm not sure what to search for. Does being a quitter hurt my chances during review? How should I disclose my academic history in my application? How early should I tell my academic advisor? Should I consider PhD programs in related fields (interdisciplinary) instead? All answers will be wholly appreciated.