DontGetMeSartred

I apologize if this is construed as an unnecessarily long tirade, but I feel like I need to put this into words (even if I am just shouting into a void.) After graduating from my undergraduate institution, I was hired for an internship with the D.O.E. and thought that maybe it would be a perfect milieu to utilize my science and philosophy knowledge simultaneously (my ingenuous younger self was under the impression that the government bureaucrats would find such interdisciplinary insights valuable!) I discussed some research ideas I had with respect to a given project with my supervisor and explained to her that I was interested in whether or not our definitional biases towards certain scientific phenomena were inadvertently guiding us to exclusive research proposals. I suggested that maybe if we reevaluate the linguistic infrastructure of this particular set of phenomena, maybe we can devise some novel approaches. A few weeks later I was relegated to the center's "dishwasher" (I cleaned beakers, erlenmeyer flasks, and other labware) because my supervisor believed my intellectual abilities were "better suited" to such a task. She told me "scientists are intelligent individuals and when they speak, the words that come out of their mouths are worthy of listening to and considering. I am not confident you are one of those people." I ultimately experienced a strange ambivalence, for I knew that if there was even a slight chance that I could grow academically, this was an inimical environment from which I needed to escape, but in order to survive the degradation, it was as if I had to believe that my supervisor's claims were true (therefore satisfying a just-world hypothesis.) I always knew that I wanted to go to graduate school one day, but I figured why wait any longer, what do I have to lose? I did not feel as if I belonged among scientists (and I say that not with sententiousness or a sanctimonious tone,) and believed that working with philosophical intellectuals was undoubtedly a prospect that would have a greater potentiality for fostering this sense of "belongingness." But once all of my applications were submitted, I wrestled with the very real possibility that none of those applications would be successful. Although this possibility is by no means an indication that I would be precluded from graduate study forevermore (i.e. there's always next year,) I could not help but feel that such a possibility would leave my existential sense of identity in suspension. Getting rejected seemed to be like an ontological erasure, for I endeavored to go to graduate school because I know I do not belong "here," but failing to earn an acceptance seemed to indicate that I do not belong to the proverbial "there" either, which of course begs the question: where do I belong and who am I, exactly? I have been fortunate enough to hear positive news this admissions season, which I thought would lay my existential concerns to rest. But now I have been edified of the, what can be considered, elitist and competitive aura associated with academic philosophy (i.e. jobs are scarce, ranking matters, academic pedigrees matter, etc.) and I find it utterly nauseating. I have never believed rankings and pedigrees to be essential characteristics indicative of an individual's worth or potential as an intellectual and yet I have been accosted with equivocating fears as to whether or not these beliefs are nothing more than self-serving biases. I guess what I am trying to say is that I thought the worst part of this entire process would be the possibility for ontological suspension at the hands of indifferent admission committees, but I am finding that the worst part has been coming to terms that I have failed to take Nietzsche's advice seriously. While fighting the monsters (i.e. trying to prove that women can be just as efficacious as men in philosophy, trying to prove that coming from a small school is not an academic death sentence, striving to find a philosophical environment that is collaborative rather than competitive and self-serving, etc.), I have these moments where I feel as if I have become a monster (i.e. I am questioning the extent of my "achievements" with respect to rankings and pedigrees, which seems unquestionably inauthentic of me.) I went into this believing Heraclitus' underlying philosophy: that by simply reading the riddles, we all assume the role as philosopher. I went into this wanting to study philosophy for the sake of studying philosophy, not as a means, but as a deeply respected end. I went into this believing we all deserve a place at the "philosophical table" for no other reason than we wish to be there (I understand this is a rather utopian, idyllic thought, but once again, I just have a lot of feelings.) And now, here I am, confounded by these facets of the academic world that seem incompatible with those preliminary insights. I feel disillusioned. Has anyone else been navigating through similar ambivalences or am I just being ridiculous?

Yes! I apologize for the ambiguity on my part!

I declined my offer from Western Ontario earlier this week. Will also be declining Carnegie Mellon's offer for a master's. I genuinely hope this helps!

2016 Philosophy Admissions Season: A Short Documentary

The abyss? The prospect of going to MIT? Same thing, right?

Me perusing the admission results page every five minutes in hopes of an update on, well, anything from, well, anywhere.

That was my initial interpretation, but did not want to make the mistake of assuming. Thank you for the clarification! I firmly believe that even within esoteric fields, individuals can provide a multiplicity of insights that lead to a great deal of differentiation and heterogeneity. I wish this was appreciated more profoundly (and prioritized accordingly) in the academic world, rather than compartmentalizing ideas and disciplines to satisfy certain metrics. However, may this allow you a greater opportunity to distinguish yourself in a program that finds what you have to offer less circumstantially hackneyed!

"Considerations over program composition," I find this language to be rather equivocating. Would you mind clarifying the semantic intentions of this statement?

Navigating through the Anxiety of Waiting for Admission Results: An Autobiography

I posted the History and Philosophy of Science acceptance at Notre Dame this afternoon. I was offered admission into the philosophy track along with two fellowships. I have such ambivalence with respect to sharing this information, for on the one hand, I am genuinely honored and excited to be granted this opportunity, but on the other, I recognize that my being granted an opportunity necessarily precludes others from said opportunity (and I know that may seem common-sensical or, at worst, banal, but I just have a lot of feelings.) Please know that I, too, have felt the existential dread that has been this admissions season and I have full confidence that each and every one of us will find our place to philosophize in the world. I found this the other day and it has been solacing my otherwise inconsolable mind: "Stuttering is an ideology. Have you noticed? Order and obedience are smooth. But the sun stutters. The heart stutters. Resistance movements stutter. Stutter and shout." - Shūji Terayama No matter what happens this admissions season, we haven't failed. We're just stuttering. We will all be okay! (I'll stop now and take my, probably unwanted, appeals to romanticism with me.)