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witheringtudorrose

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  1. I know this is probably a topic that gets put on here a lot, but I feel like I need to get it out: So far, if I had to compare my PhD experience to anything, it would be an abusive relationship. I got accepted to a school, told everything I wanted to hear, and was dropped like a sucker as soon as I got here. When I was researching the school, they had a lot of wonderful people in my chosen area of study (Rennasance Lit), but that has changed. So far since I've been here: one professor took a fellowship in Ireland (they can't be replaced because this person "hasn't officially resigned"), one is retiring at the end of the year, and one just started a 3 year term as our department chair (which means this person will not teach classes.) Now I'm in my second year and have had exactly one class specifically in my field of interest. My options for a dissertation chair are now more limited that I ever anticipated and I've never even met most of them. I reached out to one faculty member, asking politely for a DIS (but only doing the course work for their class with something) because the two classes I needed this semester met at exactly the same time and I'm not sure what the future course offerings will be. This person told me he could not justify it because he did not know me. Now, every time I think about trying to meet someone new in my field, I hear that email in my head and it paralyzes me cold. I've talked to my advisor and the chair of the department and they all talk about my situation, my worries that I will be unable to be done with coursework and the like and all they do is act like it's not a big deal. I get the "hurry up and wait" reassuring talk so much I can feel it coming on every time I open my mouth. Meanwhile, I'm watching people that came in the program with me get chairs easily, get advice, publish together, and get so far ahead of my it feels impossible I'll catch up at this point. So here I am: 10 hours away from any family or friends, living in poverty on my assistantship salary, medicated for anxiety, and too far in debt to just leave and start fresh at a new program. Not a single person in this school is invested in me or my success in the program, and barely knows I exist. At this point, I feel like the giving tree and have no idea how much longer I can mentally justify staying in here. This degree is something I want, what I've planned my future upon, and now I have no idea what I should do.
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