Luis_981741

Hi, I'm a second year graduate student at a top university. I'm seeking advice because I am thinking of leaving my graduate program. I started graduate school last year through the chemistry PhD program at my university although I had a background in biology. I did research as an undergraduate and presented a poster at a major conference and did okay in my lab. The reason I wanted to do more chemistry in graduate school is because I liked learning about small molecule synthesis as an undergraduate and wanted to combine both chemistry and biology. I took a gap year between undergrad and grad school and worked at a small biotech start-up. I performed very well there and my boss thought I would perform quite well in graduate school. I even got advice from the CEO about his experience in graduate school and got great letters of recommendation. Coming from a underrepresented minority group background, getting into graduate school meant a huge deal to me and I left the company with great confidence and excitement. However, that quickly changed within my first few months at the university. Having no more organic chemistry background than what was necessary to complete my bachelor's, I was placed in remedial chemistry courses my first quarter while taking additional courses required for everyone in my cohort. I also started TAing my first quarter while trying to find a lab to rotate in. Between juggling classes, TAing, and rotating I quickly crumbled. I was overwhelmed by not performing well in my classes and having little time to do anything in my rotation lab. At the end of my first quarter I was put on probation due to the grades in my classes and on top of that I was unable to find a next rotation. I also got a notice from my department saying that they were not going to be able to fund me anymore since I was supported through a TAship and I could not TA with the GPA I had at the end of my first quarter. Finally after lots of hurdles, my department was able to allow me to TA again. I also got a warning from my department that I had to raise my grades and find a lab I could join by the beginning of the spring quarter or I would be dismissed. At that point, I had entered a deep depression. I had never performed that badly in my undergraduate university. I was paranoid, unconfident, and stressed out all the time which made concentrating in classes very difficult. I knew something was wrong and so I sought counseling. This helped me calm down and slowly regain my focus in class. I found a tutor to help me understand the subjects for my classes and while I was still struggling I did the best I could to show my department I was making progress. To make a long story short, sadly at the end of my second quarter I was told by my department I would be dismissed. At this point I entered an even deeper depression and felt incredibly ashamed. I only thought of how I could explain what happened to people back home. Amazingly, when I told my undergraduate PI about my situation, she introduced me to the head of a different graduate program at the same university. I told him my story and he was willing to give me a shot in the biosciences program. He was incredibly supportive from the momment we met and said I just simply was not a good match for my previous program. The only condition was that I had to find a lab I could join by the summer. As you might expect, this was a difficult task because by the end of the year most PIs had made their decisions on the people they would take and I also had to explain my situation. Surprisingly, I found a lab I could join. It was not the most interesting research, but the pi had heard of my story in grad school and by the end of my short rotation, she wanted me to join. Now that I think back to it, I feel like the only reason but joined is so I could stay and I was really forcing myself to like the work. I was just amazed as to how supportive she was even though she knew how I had performed my previous quarters in grad school. Now here I am wondering if I should stay, and why you ask? Because I feel like I am not good enough to be in graduate school. Even though I try my best to hide it, I still feel very stressed all the time and highly unmotivated about my project. Although my pi says I am making good progress, I simply do not believe her and just think that she is simply saying that to be supportive. I don't think I'm nearly as smart as the other graduate students in my lab and I'm afraid she will start to notice my lack in motivation. I want to change this mindset but all I can think of is leaving. I'm sorry for the long post but any advice would be truly appreciated.