Aristoddler1

I’m at the end of my PhD, and I’m trying to figure out what happened/what matters. I’m in molecular bio. I ended up working in one of those labs where the PI has a reputation for being an extreme combination of the following: screaming toddler/sadist-terrorist/helicopter parent/abusive slave owner. The kind of lab where other grad students always ask you if you are ok and make Ooooooh noises when you identify yourself as a member of said lab. I’m not going to get into how I ended up in said lab (different story). Anyway, I’m at the end of my PhD. I defended and my thesis is approved. However I’m very conflicted right now. I did a ridiculous amount of good work judging by the number of publications I got. I have 2 first author research papers, both in leading journals (one impact factor 22 and the other is 8), and an invited review at a journal with an impact factor of 5. For my corner of molecular bio, that’s pretty high. I also got a postdoc lined up with a super star pi in the field who has a ton of money and likes me. I actually had many offers for postdoc jobs (3 interviews all with offers). I should be “happy”, yet this whole thing feels like a failure. Here’s why: My defense presentation to the department looked great but the closed exam once everyone left was BAD. I got in trouble for not having a proper intro and discussion in my thesis. My committee didn’t want to hear or believe the truth: my advisor gave me exactly 3 days to write my entire thesis... this is because he had me doing experiments all along. Both before my defense and after my defense. Also, while I have great papers and know the work I did really well, I don’t really have a good grasp of the literature because my advisor demanded that we do bench work 16hrs days every day. If you sat at your desk too long, he would come and ask you why you weren’t at the bench doing stuff. Finally I was sleep deprived from “writing” a thesis in 3 days... 200 page document in 3 days, as if it was possible. So I end up passing my exam but getting told I barely passed and maybe I shouldn’t have passed after all. My committee now thinks I’m stupid and my advisor thinks I’m a disaster. Nobody cares that it’s impossible to write a thesis in 3 days (I’m not exaggerating my labmate got the same amount of time for hers). Nobody understands that after 6 yrs of being worked to death under the constant threat of “having my career ended” by the Prof that you know maybe I’m just too brain dead to function like a normal human being. I know my work well but I don’t know the literature well. All my research chapters in my thesis (sandwich thesis) are really really good (because I actually had time to write those papers) but my intro and discussion of the actual thesis documents are horrible and weak. So now at the end of my PhD I have amazing papers, a top postdoc lined up, good reputation with everyone who saw my public defense talk BUT my committee who did the private part of the exam and my advisor think I’m a total idiot and a disaster. I’m just not sure what to make of this. Is this a good PhD? Is this a bad PhD? I just don’t know what to think. I’m just full of doubt now. I know I did good work, but I did it in an environment that ruined my ability to function as a normal human being, where working until you made yourself sick was the norm. A place where you kill yourself to do good work but you are so brain dead at the end that you can’t function. Am I a fraud? I just want to hear some perspectives because I’m about to start at my new postdoc and I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.