I joined the top management Institute of India(IIM- Ahmedabad) as a Ph.D. student in Economics 1 year back. Life seemed perfect. This was my dream since high school and I got the chance to live my dream. But little did I know that reality was a harsh mistress!!!!
Success??? Well, that looks like a distant dream!!! All I can think about is how to get through the day!!!!
Failure- Now this is a friend who didn't abandon me!!! In fact, the frequency with which we meet is at an all-time high!!!! Hours of effort with no result to show.... the constant fear of being branded as 'lazy, stupid or both' by faculty members. Days without proper sleep. The constant doubt 'Why am I doing what I'm doing?', 'Was I meant to do this?' 'Economics doesn't need me. Why am I putting myself through this hell?' 'Maybe they choose me by mistake in the program. Do I even know anything?', ' What was I thinking when I signed up for this program?'
The crazy amount of coursework along with research has been maddening, to say the least. To put the icing on the cake I get less and less time to spend with family and friends as I'm always occupied with some project or submission.
But at the end of each day when I ask myself would I do something else given a chance? The answer I get is a strict "NO". Probably, economics doesn't need me to evolve but I need it to be who I'm. I chose the program because I wanted to do something which I love for a living.
The experience I shared is not unique to me and many of the Ph.D. students who I know face the imposter syndrome at some point or other. We enter the program as confident individuals but as we learn more we turn into confused beings yet there is something addictive about this confusion. Maybe this is the whole purpose of a Ph.D. If even after everything one can embrace his or her failure and confidently say that they wouldn't change their profession then probably they will be okay(at least that's what I hope for myself?).
