Dragoncita

Thank you both for the feedback, I really appreciate you taking the time to read and respond to my post. I had a slight glimmer of a positive thought, thinking "oh this isn't so bad maybe I can tough it out and things will be fine" but in reality I think that's far from true. I am going to do my best to switch advisors and cut this horribleness out of my life. I'm not good with conflict and I'm dreading the next month or so while I sort this out. Do you have any suggestions for resources or offices I should look into on my campus? I'm not sure if I'd go through the academic department or department of complaints/grievances for example. Thank you so so much again.

Hi everyone, first time poster here. I recently started a masters of biology program and had an excellent first semester. I made friends and thought life couldn't be better- I was in a lab doing work I really liked and was interested in. I was a top recruit based off my qualifications and got a full scholarship and good stipend. I thought my advisor and I really got along. My second semester I went through some health problems and did my best to push through, but couldn't physically make it to the university at times. I had no ongoing project yet and still made class, lab meetings, and helped with my lab mates projects. But I also had a lot of doctor appointments that took me off campus, sometimes quite far away. Something seemed amiss my second semester about midway through the year. I noticed my cohort of about 5 other graduate students stopped inviting me to socialize with them. They always seemed to do things in the lab without me. Then one day, I received a hateful and angry message from one student who I thought had become a close friend of mine. It hurt like hell and I still haven't recovered. After this very rough end to a semester, I had an international trip planned with my advisor to a research station. We seemed to be on great terms when we left. The environment in this remote location is quite stressful however. In the first few weeks of my trip I tried to ask my advisor about PhD programs. To start that conversation he proceeded to tell me that I was at fault for my lab mates disliking me, (despite evidence that I helped them and was a good lab mate even when I got sick,) I had to change my behavior, but the only behavior he could think of was that I am occasionally tardy by less than five minutes. Then, he abruptly ended the conversation saying that was all I was going to get out of him about PhD programs. Days and weeks went by and I noticed whenever we spoke about my academic aspirations or life goals, he would say very demeaning, passive aggressive things. For example that not everyone is cut out for a PhD, or that you aren't a real scientist until you do a PhD, or that he was the only one who did any real science on site (totally disregarding my project). Today he brought up my situation with my lab mates at home and called me dead weight. He also said that if this were a PhD program I wouldnt have made the cut. He brought up once again that I was tardy a few times but otherwise couldnt really say anything negative. This is after I have been in the field lab constantly putting 110% into my project for 12 hour days every day with no breaks for 8 weeks. I literally missed meals for this project and worked very hard. He said he'll talk with my lab mates back home but if he has to get involved beyond that he wont sacrifice 5 projects for one. As in, even though there is evidence that I have done my best and helped others until they started to exclude me, and even though I have worked so hard on this project, he still thinks of me in a negative light and wouldn't hesitate to cut me from the lab. He also mentioned passively aggressively that he has written bad review letters for PhD programs before. Tldr; my advisor thinks poorly of me despite me working as hard as absolutely possible during our field season and does not want me to go on to a PhD program. The only real evidence he has against me is that I am tardy every once in a while (which is due to health problems out of my control mostly- though I have not told him that as he is incredibly ableist). He has never criticized my analytical abilities as a student studying to be a scientist yet puts my dreams of going on to a PhD program down constantly and passive aggressively says mean things, going as far as making what I would consider a personal attack to my face. I dont know what to do. I am considering switching advisors or labs if I can do so when I return home. I'm afraid of my scholarship being affected as well as needing to spend extra time in school before my PhD. He has impacted me in such a negative way though that my emotional and mental health have taken a real nose dive. I dont think I can stomach another year in his lab after the type of things he and my lab mates have done. Please help me.