quirkquemist

Okay, bear with me, this is a long one... I applied for Chemistry PhD programs in the 2019-2020 application cycle, and was lucky enough to be accepted to multiple strong programs. During the application process, I was feeling some doubts, but I kind of just buried them because I didn't want to face the reality of "I don't know what I want to do with my life." However, I've done a LOT of reflection since submitting my applications, receiving acceptances, and beginning visits...and I am so unsure. I realized that a lot of the drive for me to apply was because I felt like it was the next logical step (+ pressure from faculty), not because it's truly what I want to do. Undergrad was incredibly stressful to me, and anytime I just work on my research now I am incredibly stressed out/anxious. I realize now that it isn't something that gives me a lot of joy anymore. Because my feelings are so ambivalent, and almost negative, the idea of committing to a 5 year program that requires a lot time (expectation at most of my schools are at least five 12 hour days a week + half days on weekends) and mental/physical energy seems kind of awful since it may not actually be something I truly want/desire/make me happy. But...I am worried that this is just an extreme case of burnout, and maybe this is something that will resolve itself with time before the grad program begins in the fall. After my first PhD visit, I really liked the environment of the school and the research - but I simultaneously felt absolutely awful the whole time because I couldn't imagine my life away from so many things that are important to me, and was so unsure about if I was passionate enough about research. A lot of what I've been thinking about the last few months is realizing that it is not my career that makes me happy, but my friends, family, and significant other - and in my case, graduate school would really complicate those things. Of course, it's normal to leave those things behind for (and often still maintain them in) grad school, but those are things I really value and am not sure if I really want to give up for the sake of a program that I am feeling so incredibly unsure about. I understand nerves like this are normal, but I feel like I am experiencing them to an extreme degree. An option I've been considering is selecting a school and deferring a year, because I may just be experiencing some extreme burn-out and need time to re-set before resuming school. However, from what I understand, deferment seems to imply more than a commitment that I am comfortable with - and I may end up deciding at the end of that year not to go to graduate school at all. I want to be fair/ethical to the schools I am considering in these decisions, and maintain professional relationships with the graduate programs and PIs. Another option could be declining all my offers and re-applying to the a program I am interested in my area (which I am kicking myself for not applying to in the first place), but I am scared that these doubts may somehow magically go away and I'll regret not committing to one of my current options. The programs I've been accepted to are really excellent, and I know if I re-applied after declining my chances would be much lower. However, I think this is the option I am the most attracted to, because it leaves the PhD door most open without completely shutting it, and avoids "leading on" a graduate program I may not actually attend. Of course, I am also worried that in the next year, I'd somehow find certainty about grad school, but wouldn't get into this program and be out of luck (it is less competitive than the programs I've already gotten into, though, so I think I have a good chance). The bottom-line: I am really unsure about this whole thing, don't think research really makes me happy, but I also don't know if this is surfacing from an expected burnout and unsure feelings about being away from people close to me. I have no idea how to figure this out. Anyone have any thoughts? Please feel free to be as blunt as you'd like. Thanks in advance!