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carlosopolar

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    2021 Spring

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  1. Dealing with the impacts of COVID-19 and "prestigious" award rejection has not been fun. I've been eating my feeling out for about a month now. I was rejected the Marshall scholarship and the Mitchell scholarship this month. I have read many things, listened to many people, and have treated myself many times in an effort to really process the fact that I shouldn't take this personally but I cannot pin-point why I am taking it very personal-very, very personal. As a first-generation, non-traditional undergrad who is also disabled, I feel like I could be saving the entire world and they would still say "no." Like, I wish I had the time and resources to be able to publish journals, be part of published research, or be part of panels--but it's already hard enough trying to work full-time for a government policy office while I wrap up my undergraduate degree. I am loosing a lot of inspiration. My creativity is running dry. This is taking a toll on my mental health to the point where I am questioning my career choices since a lot of scholarships seem to not want to fund technical degrees that are not for medical school. I am also questioning why in the world I even have the ambitious idea of going to graduate school and pursuing a very particular career/path, if I cannot afford it. Bottom line: I am a poor, brown, disabled, first-generation college student and it suddenly feels like all the odds are against me--again. S.O.S.
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