My would-be academic career is a mess. After 4 years in a PhD program, I all but dropped out after failing to secure funding for my dissertation research. I've been on leave for over a year now, trying to decide what to do next. My adviser and others on the faculty have been supportive so far, but I know my actions are confusing to them, and I worry their patience with me is beginning to run out.
What they do not know is that I have bipolar disorder. It is hard to describe how big a part my illness has played in creating this mess; it horrifies me to look back at all the time I've lost and the terrible decisions I've made. Now I am under treatment and relatively stable; I want to pick up the pieces and go on, but I don't know how. There are practical obstacles - not least my lack of funding at the moment - but my mental health issues make the situation so much more complicated, it's tough to assess anything without factoring them in.
I have struggled to keep these problems secret. Now I wonder if that was a mistake. If only I could bring myself to tell my advisor, it might clear up the mystery surrounding my actions, and make it easier for me to get the support and advice I need. If it were any other life-altering illness, I would have disclosed it long ago, but bipolar disorder carries such stigma, I've been terrified to do so. Then again, I may not have much to lose. It's not like I've gained much from pretending things are all right, when they obviously are not.
The alternative may be to drop out and find something else to do with my life. But I don't think I want to do anything else with my life. I want to move forward, but I'm spinning my wheels. Any thoughts on what I should do?
