theres a hole in my shoe

If someone is reading this thanks, let me tell you the situation. I want to apply for PhDs but I won't have positive letters. Why? Because I was very late on all my MA coursework and took an extra year to finish because I had a mental breakdown in the middle of the program. What are the streets saying? All the professors I asked if I should do a PhD said pretty much no because of how stressed out I got in the MA. Why did I lose it? The reason I got stressed was because I wasn't really sure how to write graduate level essays or do the work properly, I was stupid, but I really (really) wanted to succeed so the pressure was extremely intense, I cannot begin to describe this feeling, because I don't have time right now. Do I have a single redeeming quality? I got good grades in some classes, but in other classes I got totally mirked by profs for not being smart enough. How did I get in in the first place? It's a mystery, but probably because I went to an easy undergrad where I could schmoose with profs, and I had a creative 'out-there' writing sample the kind that makes people think 'why not? she's annoying enough to be smart'. Should I give up? Where could I even apply? I went to the best school in my country for my MA and burned my bridges there so I'd have to go to a worse school. What else could I imagine spending my life on without ending it all right now today? I kind of prefer creative writing to academic writing, a big problem I had in the MA was my writing being too flourishy and not analytical or whatever; but even if I did replace philosophy's place in my life with writing it would still be academic idk like 'popular philosophy' or some crap like that. Anyways what's funny is a prof told me that academia is probably the least advisable career out there 'unless you want to be a writer or something'. I was like yea ... about that .... anyways I feel like a shell of a person. or like a hooker and some rich gentleman (the university of so and so) brought me to some fancy club for a year and then dropped me off back on the street. please advise.