QuirkyGrad64

So just an update on my situation... I had a major depressive episode last week, and had to go on some meds. I've never had that happen before. I think the stress of worrying about my project debt and a whole host of other issues have just piled up and I'm burnt out. I've actually started looking for (and applying) to jobs outside of academia. I don't want to act to hastily, but I do need to seriously consider my health here. I also need to get some strength and talk to my advisor, tell him the beginning of my research are no longer stimulating, and that if I am going to succeed I need a bit more guidance. I just don't want to come off as weak or needy. He's really busy.

Juillet this book is great. Thanks for recommending it. Did it provide you with lots of clarity when you read it? Or just a bit?

Thanks Juillet. So overall, the program that I am in I think is giving me some decent transferable skills, and I am taking on some leadership roles as well. I guess I am going to keep up the reading about options outside of academia and stick with the program. I am still uncertain about life in academia, but I think I will have a lot to offer if I play my cards right when I leave. The trick is to keep thinking forward, planning, working hard, etc. It's scary! Some big fears are ticking off my advisor... ugh... but this is MY LIFE! Dammit! And he's really nice, so I think he would understand if long term I don't want to be in the ivory tower.

Well very broadly, I'm in Education coupled with Technology. It's really cool stuff. My interest in psychiatry was eventually going to be geared at child psychiatry. This field is cool because I get to be around kids, interview kids, and work on more applied solutions. I think in time I am going to get more and more interested in my work. I've heard that many first years have a minor freak out when it's over. Plus my break up certainly didn't help things. I guess my generalized fears are that my future work will never be tangible or applicable to real life contexts and classrooms, but many academics find ways to publish their work (books etc) so that it can be appreciated by people outside the ivory tower. I think that's the kind of academic I dream of being.

Yeah this is true. I was interested in med school for psychiatry before my current program, and then when this program came across my radar, it felt like more of a passion. So who knows. I think I need more time to refine my research trajectory to incorporate the components of psychology that interest me. My field is pretty interdisciplinary.

I had a very long conversation today with a friend. She told me that I seem to be really enthusiastic about psychology and deep interpersonal conversations. She asked if I ever thought of switching to a PhD program in clinical psych... I thought about it, and I have had those thoughts. Has anyone here ever considered making a switch from one PhD program to something similar, but different, because it was a slightly better fit. The work that I am doing now could be refined in a more psychological and emotional direction, but the appeal of a psychology PhD is that I could actually be a counselor when I'm done. I am not totally turned off by my current field, but there is a "grass is always greener" appeal to switching into this other program... Thoughts?

Had a great meeting with my adviser today. He had no negative feedback and gave positive responses to my agenda. I'm starting a new agenda system to keep me on top of what to talk about with him. It's helpful. I don't feel like quitting anymore. I'm deeper into data. I do think I need to critically plan what I want to do with this PhD... it might not be academia. But I don't feel so intense about quitting.

Today has been a decent day. I have gotten more absorbed in work today. I read an article given to me by a friend that describes students who dropped out and why they dropped out. Apparently a professor here gave it to them in one of their classes. I felt like I identified with some of their feelings and thoughts, but I also don't think I am ready to leave yet. It feels too soon and too sudden to drop this just because of a breakup. I also have the burden of student loan debt that I can keep paying while it's deferred. Granted that's not a reason to keep doing something if I realize that I hate it, but I don't hate this. I just need some more guidance from my advisor, and some more time and energy in getting back into my work. My advisor is really kind and nice, but sometimes he seems to "simply agree" with my decisions about data collection and my research. He doesn't always seem to think critically. I spent part of last semester collecting data we agreed upon, only to now not be using it at all. Our data is video data. How should I feel about this? Is this normal?

Well I've taken on a side tutoring job which will force me to be more organized an scheduled. And I have weekend plans for the next few weekends, which will keep me focused during the weeks. It's just going to be a bit of a slow adjustment, but it's nothing I can't handle. I've considered hiking groups several times. There are lots in my area. I have had a fear that people might be older, but honestly I should just do it.

Hank Scorpio, that is damn right! I keep thinking, "just analyze your data... you're just scared to begin!" And I know that once I start it will be smooth sailing. I'll be starting first thing tomorrow, at the lab, 8am.

Sigh. I have all of these ridiculous perceptions of myself... that I am becoming my ex (depressed and unmotivated), and that I am going to completely fail out of this program. I'm overwhelming myself with fears and irrationalities. Today my advisor pulled one of my tasks from me, and said he was giving it to another student because he wants me to focus solely on my research trajectory that I have created for myself. I welcome the increased time to focus on my own work, but I also can't help but feel he did this because I am not keeping up. Is it appropriate to just ask him outright? "Did you pass this on to someone else because you didn't think I could hack it?!" Honestly right now, I'm not sure I could have. I'm trying to surround myself with people who care about me here, but often times when in social settings I don't feel very connected at all. People here have families and kids. I'm a young guy with no close friends, and I'm not really close with my family either. Apologies if I sound like I'm just complaining, I'm not attempting to. The support is helpful and welcome.

Thanks for the recent responses. I have been approached by faculty here to tutor already, so it makes me feel even more comfortable about doing this. I think it will work out well for me.

Caffeinated, thank you for the feedback. I think I should stick it out as well. These feelings definitely feel like mild depression. Most things in life lately feel "gray." I am seeing a counselor and I wish I could see her more frequently. I put a lot of work into researching graduate programs. I visited schools on my own as well as for interview weekends. I knew that I wanted to be involved with my area of research before I got engaged. But for some reason I have just been trapped in my head, feeling like a failure, and keep comparing myself to friends. How many hours a week should I be putting in? I mean, I was spending 2 to 3 nights a week in my office my first semester, which brought on some loneliness. And then the loneliness hit really hard after the split. Also, I often feel trapped here. I have a substantial amount of undergrad student loans that I am paying off already with my stipend from grad school... but if I quit this program, they all roll over and require instant payment, which is something I can't do right now without an alternate plan B job. That feeling of being "trapped" is often overwhelming, making it hard to focus.

I came into my program loving it. I loved the papers, the class discussions, and the ideas that I was thinking about in all of my classes. Then, during my second semester I parted ways with an ex who lives back home. It was less of my decision, although we it was sort of mutual. I am now completely unmotivated and I am terrified of failing out of grad school. I really did enjoy the work, and one of the major problems in my relationship was that the ex seemed to hate grad school (and put a lot of stress on me emotionally). I never doubted this program once during my first semester. Many people say to stick it out, give it time. I want to do that, but I have lots of fear. I am also incredibly lonely at times, even when I am around people. I've developed mild social anxiety. I'm scared of being judged. It's really annoying to be honest. I just want to be who I was. Any advice?

So it's been a while since I started this thread, and I wanted to post my update. I just took a job tutoring with a local tutoring company. At least for this summer, I think I can manage working the 30 hours in my lab that I am working, plus this side tutoring job here and there. Starting in the fall, I might have to scale back my hours. This company let's me tutor on the side, on my own, as well... so I am hoping to squeeze out some advertisements and get some students at a slightly higher rate. Ideally one to two students at a time would give me a nice boost to my income without me spending more than 10 hours a week tutoring. From the perspective of older students, is 10 hours a week too much on top of classes and my own research? I am just beginning this journey, so I respect the opinions of others. ALSO I did some asking around, and found out that in our program, apparently 20 hours of work a week is allowed outside, and 30 hours is allowed during the summers. I have this email on record if I am ever asked "what were you thinking?!"