Mal83

I wouldn't say it's destructive, I think it's reasonable to feel uncertain about what you're getting into before you start and one of those uncertainties is whether or not you will fit in intellectually, academically, and professionally with those around you. I'd say after a few weeks once you've experienced everyone in your classes it should be clear how you stack up and then of course it's time to stop thinking about it.

I'd have to say that my cornerstone class is really heavy on the reading, as in a book a week, that's tough and I'm always behind, but I've been doing well on the weekly assignments and participating in class. It's a good class and I look forward to it so I want to do as much as I can. Luckily we have a take-home midterm that's basically one giant essay tying all of the books we've read together, then a research paper for the end of the semester so it's not like I have to have details of books memorized. But I'm also taking a required economics class that I find to be nothing but a chore and I'm not doing as well as I should be. Oh well, I'll have to work it out, I'm not the only one in the program that sees it this way though and I think a few of us just accepted the fact that this will be the one "bad" grade. I'm not going to beat myself up over it. The third class that I'm taking is a very familiar in subject matter but we have no guidelines for the 25 page research paper that's the bulk of our grade so it's literally like "do a 25 page paper and hand it in at the end of the semester" uh...ok. This is definitely the adjustment semester but I do love being a grad student and it has already opened up doors to professional opportunities that I otherwise never would have had. I secured an internship already for the school year and I'll find out in December about a summer part-time position that could turn into something permanent after I graduate. And being that I'm in a professional program this is almost as important as the degree itself.

What kind of symptoms are you having after day 1? Is it feelings of inadequacy, intimidation, uncertainty? Or that you're not sure what you really want to do? The first is pretty normal, we're all wondering how we stack up against each other, am I on a level playing field with my classmates...that kind of thing. But if your pursuing a degree and your interests lie somewhere else than that might be something you can only rectify by making some big changes. The work load is incredible, but it's about knowing what's required of you to do as well as you feel you need to, not necessarily reading and understanding every single word of that book or this article you have to read in a week. I mean if you are physically doing as much as you possibly can in the time that you have without going crazy from sleep deprivation than that's all you can expect of yourself. I'm starting an internship next week and I'm excited but also worried about what that will do to my motivation for reading and studying. However, knowing how much grad school means to me and how happy I am with my program and school...and also the fact that I'm paying for it, I have no choice but to make it work as best I can. I feel like it's best to know exactly what you want to do before you start grad school, especially when it's only a one year program, you really don't have time to fool around and you should know exactly where you're headed between now and that end date, that is if you want to graduate in that time frame. You should probably hash out exactly what your interests are and have a meeting with your adviser to see what the most appropriate track is for you. Don't try to guess what will be better, your adviser will tell you what you need to do.

Me too! My cornerstone class is great, before class starts there are always a bunch of conversations going on simultaneously and you can just jump into one at any time, it's a very comfortable, respectful, intellectual, and lighthearted atmosphere. We have a facebook group so we're always filling each other in on program, school, and social things. I knew I belonged there long before I started and that hasn't changed one bit. I think by now we've all determined that we're pretty much on the same level academically and intellectually. This is a professional program so we all have a bit of vastly different experience coming in but we actually complement each other during class. Some people are more knowledgeable in particular areas where others are more so in different ones. There are always interesting events going on and relevant people coming to the school to give talks. The director of the program/cornerstone professor is tremendous and his expertise and professional experience are exactly where my interests lie so I know he'll lead me down the right path to accomplish my professional goals. It's a demanding program, as I knew it would be, but I'm actually handling it and realizing all the more that there's nothing else I'd rather be doing. Yes, I love being a grad student in DC.

I've been a grad student for 6 weeks now and I knew long before I started that I belonged at the school and in the program, that hasn't changed one bit...I'm really grateful for that. However, even despite my certainty that this is absolutely my program and field I still have those "everyone else understands more than me" moments. Every cornerstone class I'm reminded that at least a few others are able to express ideas that I didn't have of or couldn't find the right words for. Or just that many of them managed to get a lot more of the reading done than I did. I'm a slow reader so a book a week is a bit taxing and honestly I find it tough to get into a lot of them...and that's just one class. But I don't think that succeeding in grad school or in a particular class necessarily depends on whether you've read and understood every single theory, idea, or sentence that's in the required readings, or even everything that your classmates are saying, it's more about understanding what's required of you to do as well as you feel you need to. I know that participation is a big part of my grade in this class, so I make sure that I have read enough to contribute a few things to the discussion, but I don't have much of a problem speaking up in class, I also have a similar undergrad degree so drawing on what I've learned before is very easily applicable. Not everything that everyone says is groundbreaking or an original thought, but they're speaking up so they get the participation grade and because it's really boring to just sit and listen to everyone else talk for 2-3 hours. This is a big class and it's 100% discussion, every so often the professor poses a question and we have to run with it, if you don't stick your hand up at least a two or three times your just sitting and listening to your classmates for all that time...boring. See I only care to a certain degree what I sound like to my classmates, all of whom I respect, but my objective is for the professor (who is also the program director) to know that I'm getting it and putting in effort. I don't need to dominate the discussion and I'm not the most active participant, but what I do say is usually something that hasn't already been said like 5 times and even on a few occasions the professor instead of just responding with "mmm hmm" and moving on to the next person has said something like "that's interesting because...." which absolutely made my day, like I actually sparked his interest for a moment. It can be intimidating, especially in the very beginning, but you have to get over what your classmates think of you because they're not giving you the grade, to the original poster specifically, a course of mostly 3rd level phd students seems a little inappropriate for your first semester of an MA program. Do you still have time to switch into something else? Did you have to get your course selections approved before you registered? Are there no course numbers attached to the levels? At my school Master's level courses are designated as 6000 level, but phD classes are in the 8000s, we can take a phD class or two but it's probably not advised to so in our first semester. If you dropped it and switched to a class of your peers you might be happier and less intimidated.

You should really wait until your official report comes in because if you achieved what would have been a 610 in both sections, then that's really a fine score. I can't imagine the quant section mattering all that much in your field so even 510 isn't terrible. More importantly, your GPA is great and you have plenty of experience in China. Those 2 things along with a solid SOP and LORs will be the most important aspects of the application. Do you those GRE scores stack up at all against the averages posted on the schools' websites? If they do, then I'd forget about the GRE and move on, even if they're lower but not far off I'd forget it. It also depends on whether or not you feel like you can manage to improve enough to make a significant difference. Going from a 510 to a 520 probably won't be worth the time, money, and effort...

If an apology is nothing more than a few meaningless words coming out of your mouth one time then go for it. What have you got to lose? But like I and others have said, use this as a last time to get yourself established and financially independent from them. Go talk to a financial aid counselor sooner rather than later, at least knowing what your options are will make a very volatile situation seem less stressful and urgent. It also takes time for financial aid to reach your pocket, so you don't want to wait until you're completely destitute. Once you know that you absolutely do not have to rely on your parents to do anything I think you'll be in much better position. You're already doing well grade wise and you have an excellent goal in mind, work on all of this other stuff and you'll be unstoppable.

So do you get any financial aid at all? Or have your parents been paying tuition and supporting you financially 100%? If you really don't want to apologize to them I would definitely go to the financial aid office and talk to a counselor, they will give you all of the information you need and there are a lot of options out there for student loans. Stafford Loans can amount to $20,500 which would certainly cover your tuition bills. You might be eligible for a Pell grant, something that you wouldn't have to pay back. And if I'm not mistaken, I believe you can actually take out loans for past semesters, you'd just get that money in the form of a check...I did something like this while at a community college when my parents were no longer able to pay my tuition bills...maybe it was that we applied for aid in the spring and got the loans for the previous fall semester, something along those lines. You should check into that also, see what they say, it's been a long time since I was an undergrad. You can also look into getting a student credit card if you don't have cards already. Going into debt isn't pleasant and you have to be careful, but this kind of thing will help you get on your feet. The credit limit on a student card is not high, maybe $500-$1000, but that can certainly help you with your monthly expenses as well as establishing yourself financially. If you don't have any income to put down, I'm not sure how successful you'll be, but give it a try. If you get any kind of financial aid it will count as income. I just got one no problem with the bank I opened a checking account with. And if you have to take on a job in order to not put yourself back into your terrible home situation again then that's what you need to do. Maybe once you start making a little income in some way you can look into renting a room in a house or being someone's roommate in an apartment. Or also like Kitkat said, do what you have to do to stay in the dorm during the summer. You know maybe you can just "apologize" enough to get what you need out of them, I understand not wanting to give them any satisfaction and they certainly don't deserve it, but you'd be giving it to them to get what you need in return. In the mean time you can work on getting yourself financially independent...open your own bank account, get a credit card, find somewhere else to live, get a job...you'll have to do those things sooner or later anyway. Your grades might suffer a tad during your time of transition, but then they might not...does it really matter when it comes to the magnitude of your situation?

Your questions and advice for Just me will fall on deaf ears. Before the "haranguing" there have been countless responses to her posts that expressed sympathy, support, and encouragement. The flow of ideas and bits of advice on how to change her situation were met only with excuses/reasons why those things wouldn't work. So the regulars of this forum, if they still choose to engage, respond with frustration or sarcasm regarding her sweeping and macabre characterizations of grad school because they are unfair, not typical, and due mostly to her very specific situation...she hates everything about grad school so it doesn't make sense to many of us that she'd be trying to offer advice for those interested in pursuing it. Sorry Just me, I'm sure you get this by now.

I'm moving across country in 4 days and couldn't be more ready. I've been having those "can I really make it financially?" jitters, but basically I know I'll be OK. I'm not nervous or worried about the new place, I'm greatly looking forward to going back to the part of the country in which I spent most of my life anyway. I think if anything, I'm most worried about throwing myself back into academia, into a challenging and competitive program, after being out of it for a few years. I've had a few months now to read a book for the first day of class and I haven't been able to bring myself to get it done. I'm barely halfway through, it's so dense and tedious that I've lost all motivation to pick it up. I feel like once I move the closeness of the upcoming semester will sink in a little more. I will have almost 2 weeks until the first day of class after I arrive at my new place so I'm hoping I'll feel more like a grad student rather than someone who's still killing time at her parents' house before the move. But generally, this is a very exciting time!

Spam!

Wow, this thread has certainly done a 180 from grad school makes me want to kill myself to...grad school gives me the warm fuzzies inside. That's pretty cool.

What would happen if you just sucked it up and taught for a little while? I completely get that you hate it, in the Peace Corps I taught English to grades 2-11 for 2 years and I absolutely hated it, but I did it because of the bigger picture. I wanted to be a Peace Corps volunteer for many other reasons and that was the only thing I was "qualified" to do. I put qualified in quotes because I most definitely do not have an education degree, teaching secondary school is kind of the catch all assignment for those who don't have any specific experience in any other area the Peace Corps considers useful like business or agriculture. So if you think about it, if you will be qualified to teach, why not put up with it long enough to earn a few bucks to get yourself out of there and onto something bigger and better? Once you look at something that you hate in a totally different light, as in it can actually help you in some way, you might be able to take comfort in it, feel good about it, and use it to your advantage. Getting a teaching gig with a real and steady income doesn't seem as hopeless as landing that dream job of yours and becoming famous...so seriously, consider teaching for a little while, it might be a way to start your life.

I saw a picture of this sweater on your blog...do you realize what this thing is suggesting? That UFOs carrying intelligent beings from a galaxy far far away landed in Ancient Egypt so they could build the pyramids. Hope you don't run into this guy while wearing it....

I just got my stafford loans approved for Fall 2011/Sring 2012 and it's the same standard mix of subsidized and unsubsidized, hoping to get my two years done before that awfulness goes into effect. It is just a drop in the bucket, but could you imagine how nice it would be if the government just stopped operations in Afghanistan for 3 months so that getting an advanced degree wouldn't be even more financially difficult. I feel like it would be worth it to stop the flow of cash and resources into that country for 3 months, years ago I probably never would have said such a thing, but I find it very disheartening when students at any level are made to bare the burden of a debt crisis that could be alleviated by at least decreasing the astronomical amount of money being eaten up by one operation in one country. Again, it is just a drop in the bucket and it might not amount to a major financial burden for the future grad student, but this is an example of a weak attempt at shifting that burden rather than making any real policy change for the better.

I just got my stafford loans approved for Fall 2011/2012 and it's still the standard mix of subsidized and unsubsidized. So hopefully I can get through my two years without accruing even more debt than I would have without those changes...

Have you researched any schools yet by looking at their websites? Do you have any schools in mind? Are they very competitive or not as selective? Generally speaking, the GPA cutoff is 3.0, there have been forum members who have posted successful admission with a slightly lower GPA, so being that 2.9 right there I wouldn't say that all hope is lost, and of course it's a positive that your major GPA is above 3.0. Your verbal and quant scores are very competitive, these might help to offset the lower GPA. I'm not sure how much the writing section will matter for your program, I've seen different opinions like "since you're in literature the AW score should be high" as well as "it's the least important part of the test." I mean if you're required to submit a writing sample the admissions committees will certainly get a much better sense of your abilities that way. And the fact that you already have LORs lined up is definitely a good thing. You might be able to use your illness to explain your GPA in your statement of purpose, not to dwell on it, but just a quick reference such as, "despite an undiagnosed illness I managed to...." That will show the committees that you experienced a hardship but overcame it. Writing a solid SOP is definitely something you can do to set yourself apart and convince the schools you deserve a spot by effectively articulating your academic/professional goals as well as why you are a good fit for the program. Do you have any relevant work/volunteer/research experience? That would be beneficial also. I would say to give applying this year a very cautious attempt, try not to get too emotionally involved and should you not get in use this cycle as a learning experience, get some feed back from the admissions offices so you know exactly what to do to improve your application for next time. But you really don't have anything to loose by trying, except the app fee...but give it a go.

2nd vote up for Just me...you're on a roll now, before you know it you'll have a + in front of that reputation score!

Just have to echo what a few have said already, JustMe, do you think you're in any position to be giving advice to anyone who is actually interested in grad school or has any kind of investment in it? This isn't meant to be rude or condescending, I'm asking out of curiosity. If you never wanted to be there from the onset and haven't found any redeeming qualities in something that should be your choice to do or not do then what can you offer someone who is very torn between leaving and staying? It's only depressing because you hate being there and won't do anything to get out, not because it's inherently soul crushing. I just don't think your characterizations are at all fair, accurate, or indicative of the average experience. Do the other people in your program share the same sentiment? Probably not or they wouldn't still be there. Your perspective/mindset is particularly miserable and not of appreciation for grad school for very specific reasons and therefore not all that applicable to the average experience or advice seeker. You have to understand that on some level. No one around here has even suggested that you're substandard in anyway, especially in terms of being a human being, that would not be OK for anyone to do. But based on everything you have revealed about yourself in this forum, it is clear that you're not in a position to offer any kind of encouragement or support other than "get out before grad school kills your soul." The admonishment directed your way is a result of the constant stream of negatively that flows from you in regards to grad school, which is still a little baffling being that this is of course a forum dedicated to the positive nature of it. Someone who has a passion for their studies doesn't need to hear that higher education will drain them of everything they have inside them. That's over the top, they're looking for ways to figure out what to do to alleviate their anxiety over it, not remove it from their lives completely and forever. And even if WornOutGrad decides to give it up entirely, that's a change that he's willing and able to make for the better. If you made a real effort to do the same you might start to find joy in your life... hey just sayin'

Because I knew that I couldn't get out there to look in person, I didn't touch sites like Craig's List or "for rent buy owners" because I'm not quite that trusting. I know lots of people have good experiences with those but it just didn't feel right to me. I went with an actual management company. The word expensive is obviously subjective and it depends on where you're going, but the apartments won't necessarily be over the top expensive. If you have a roommate that will significantly cut down the cost. You should check on your school's off campus housing site, it's basically a listing of all kinds of different properties in the area ranging from just rooms to rent in someone's house or an apartment with a particular management company. It's less overwhelming than the apartment renting websites. That's how I found the one I ultimately ended up with, they're friendly to students and offer a small student discount. It all depends on your priorities and of course financial situation. I need a decent 1 bedroom apartment of my own in a decent area, which requires more money and effort, but I can swing it (or least try really hard to swing it so that's what I'm getting. I would also suggest limiting yourself to searching within your price range to see what feels right, that can narrow it down a lot. You know I've noticed the same thing about apartment reviews (in my price range, which wasn't very high, but not the cheapest of the cheap), it seems to me that they're mostly about things the company has no control over, like annoying neighbors or the fact that kids play outside. Some of them I noticed are about bugs, there were a few mentions of this for my place, which is pretty much a turnoff but I know they treat for bugs twice a year and then on top of that if you have an insect issue there's an exterminator available once a week. So I don't know, I think an occasional roach sighting is a fact of apartment life and it's up to you to keep as clean as possible and put out a few of those little poisonous traps if you have to. I only read a few of the reviews and then decided to not pay them any attention because it's all subjective and I had to stick to my price range, location, and availability.

No one is telling WornOutGrad that he's crazy, we're telling him to reflect for a while in order to come to a decision that will either make him feel better about his current situation or allow him to pursue something that doesn't make him miserable. He's someone that's probably willing to make changes in order to be happier in life and just needs a little encouragement and advice on how to do it. Willingness to make a change is the opposite of insanity.

WornOutGrad...seriously, you clearly have a lot more to live for than just grad school or academia...give yourself some time to sleep on this and reflect on your situation, how you feel about it, and try to imagine taking both courses of action. Try to imagine what it would feel like leaving grad school behind, going back home and doing something else, if that feels good and right then maybe that what you should do. Think about yourself staying in school and examine the feelings that brings up. People try things that don't work for them all of the time, this isn't any different, it's just a very big investment that might be rather difficult to give up, but that doesn't mean sticking it out to the point you're contemplating suicide, it's just not worth it. If you're saying that you can be happy doing something else then consider that a positive thing, some people just trudge through life never figuring out what makes them genuinely happy. Maybe you need to put academia on hold for a little while, give yourself a break and allow yourself some time to decompress. You might find that grad school is something that you just can't let go of because you're so passionate about your studies or that you really are fine and happier pursuing something else, either way you can take comfort in the fact that you've figured it out. We all go through these trial periods of doubt and uncertainty, our interests and priorities change along the way, of course the anxiety caused by this is great and unsettling, but not a cause for ending your life. You're just at a point in your life where it's time to make a decision, granting yourself the time to reflect on your next course of action would probably be one of the best gifts you can give yourself.

Shows that are basically staples include: Deadliest Catch Hoarders Intervention Next Food Network Star Hell's Kitchen House Lock Down and Locked Up (uhh, yeah I like these prison shows) The Borgias Big Love (now over, but so fabulous it deserves a mention) Cartoons: The Simpsons Futurama King of the Hill DVRing is the greatest thing since sliced bread...and so is Netflix and it's watch instantly feature. There are some great things happening on TV as of late, but has anyone else noticed the incredibly obnoxious trend of the pop-up adds that are constantly blasted across the screen during the shows? Some of the biggest offenders are The History Channel (what a shame, this used to be my go to channel, not anymore), Food Network (also a shame), TLC, Fox, and AMC. These channels have the highest frequency of adds and they are the most distracting, with all kinds of moving parts flashing and swirling around. Some of them even have sound effects...double annoying. I can handle the little logos in the bottom corner of the screen and I generally don't have a problem with Discovery Channel but I was watching an old episode of Deadliest Catch and they had an add pop up in the middle...that's right in the middle of the screen on the bottom. It was a little man shooting, complete with sound effects, towards the corner where a pop up for "sons of guns" would splatter into view, like every 2 minutes...if I didn't love that show so much I would have turned it off. Won't be watching old episodes on Discovery anymore, I'll get them from Netflix...pop up free! Ok...I'm done...sorry.

Game of Thrones is excellent! Highly recommended. I was able to download 9 episodes from HBO on demand, I had the last episode downloaded too but stupidly waited too long to watch it and by the time I was ready it disappeared because the show was only available until a certain point, so I've been checking everyday to see when it'll be replayed :-/ Love your Labyrinth avatar by the way