A couple of years ago, a user on here (can't remember their name or I would credit them) compiled the most kick ass, comprehensive list of questions ever. I saved it to my desktop, because I was so impressed! I'd also second that you should look for happy grad students. I ended up choosing my program over one with much better funding because I wanted to be in a place where I could have a good life as well as a good education. As soon as I saw how strongly they value camaraderie here and got to spend time with my then-future cohort mates, I knew I was golden.
I'm reading this thread and seeing your stories and concerns, and they transport me back six years ago, when I first applied to graduate school. I applied to graduate school right out of my undergrad. All the PhD programs rejected me. This was after I had received such encouragement from my professors, a high major GPA, and several awards for both my academics and extracurricular activities. I was kinda a big deal in college and had told everyone about my pursuits. The rejection letters completely rocked my sense of self. I taped them to my bedroom door as punishment, because I wanted to feel them mocking me, putting me in my place everyday. Friends and coworkers were asking all the time about my plans, and each time I had to answer, I felt my inside shrivel up a bit.
I was not in a good place.
I don't know if I would have felt better if I could have seen in the future, but if I could have, I would have known that I had an awesome life ahead of me, regardless of those rejection letters. I ended up doing an MA program, where I met the best of people, produced some fun work, and presented at fancy conferences. I ran into an old friend during my first year of my MA program, and now we are married and have one adorable dog. In the past five years, we've traveled around the country and the world. I taught for three years at a community college, three years of the best years of my life, where I met the most tenacious, witty, and creative students. I am now in a great PhD program in a different field, one I didn't even know existed when I first applied out of my undergrad.
It's impossible to know what next year holds for us. But I am hoping that my story demonstrates how little those rejection letters reflect who we are. For me, my letters did not signify that I was worthless or a loser, which is 100% what I felt six years ago; rather, the letters signified that I wasn't ready for grad school and I wasn't applying to the right field. So trust me when I say this: your rejection letters do not define you.
