Deciding to Decide

[MaeN]

I'm deciding between two schools and I'm definitely leaning towards one of them, but I don't feel ready to make the decision. I really like both schools and advisors; each has different pros and cons. I know that I'll be missing opportunities wherever I don't end up going, just like with any decision. So, once you start making up your mind about which school to go to, how do you decide that you're ready to decide?

[fuzzylogician]

At the end of the day whatever you do, you're choosing one option and letting go of all others. That's unavoidable. If you've gotten feedback from trusted advisors and you've talked to everyone yourself, there's not much more to do than take the plunge. I usually like to spend a day or two pretending as if I've made up my mind and getting myself excited about the next steps (new city, new program, moving there and apartment hunting, new people) before making it final. But then that's all that's left. You'll never know what's down the road not taken, such is life, but all you can do is make the best decision given information you have available. Do that and trust yourself. 

[SomeoneThrewMyShoe]

The best thing a potential advisor said to me at a visit was "No matter what you decide, when you do, you'll convince youself it was the right choice - so it really doesn't matter!"

Obviously it DOES matter and this decision is going to determine a lot about your life but honestly I thought that was kind of comforting? I haven't made an official decision or signed anything, but I know what school I'd like to go to. And as long as I get off the plane for my visit and it isn't a total nuclear wasteland and as long as my potential department doesn't throw rocks at me, I'm kind of deadset on going. 

And it terrified me. For like 3 days I couldn't sleep because I was saying goodbye to all the potential lives I'd lead at other schools. And after that brief mourning period (it honestly kind of felt like the 5 stages of grief) - I have just been so hype about the school I'm pretty set on. I've been researching apartments. I've been looking at cool places to eat in the city. I've been looking at the faculty and kind of falling in love with it. 

So long story short: mourn the life you could have lived at another school. Let it go and let you in an alternate universe enjoy that life and then just get HYPE about your new school. This change is terrifying but it's so exciting! 

[FishNerd]

@SomeoneThrewMyShoe Your point about mourning your possible life at another school is a fantastic way to think about it! Because I think that will be how I feel when I come to make my decision after I make my visits.

I'm think what I am least looking forward to in the decision process is turning down the prospective advisor. I've had such great communications with these people at either of my schools and I hate that I have to turn down one. I guess I feel most bad about the fact that they would then have to try and find someone else to fill my spot in their lab and since one of my visits isn't until the end of March, they will have to do that pretty late in the game by the time other people have already accepted offers. Any suggestions on how to not worry about this too much?

[fuzzylogician]

37 minutes ago, FishNerd said:

@SomeoneThrewMyShoeI guess I feel most bad about the fact that they would then have to try and find someone else to fill my spot in their lab and since one of my visits isn't until the end of March, they will have to do that pretty late in the game by the time other people have already accepted offers. Any suggestions on how to not worry about this too much?

Your first and most important priority is yourself. No one else is going to care about your future more than you will, and you have worked hard to give yourself this opportunity. You deserve it, and you should make the most of it. Other people will do the same for themselves. FWIW, PhD admissions are competitive enough that very good students end up getting rejected simply because there aren't enough spots for everyone, so it's not going to be impossible to find someone good to fill a spot in April (or later, for that matter). And in any event, this is not up to you; this happens every year and your POI will know how to deal with it. (And you can stay on good terms with this POI even if you don't attend that program; you'll see them at conferences, and who knows, maybe you'll get a postdoc there one day. It's totally normal for good students to have multiple offers, and they shouldn't be offended if you decide to take another offer.) Again, you've earned the right to do the best for your own future. As long as you're undecided, everything you do is fair. Once you've made a decision, that's when it's time to communicate it as quickly as possible. But take as long as you need first.

[FishNerd]

1 hour ago, fuzzylogician said:

Your first and most important priority is yourself. No one else is going to care about your future more than you will, and you have worked hard to give yourself this opportunity. You deserve it, and you should make the most of it. Other people will do the same for themselves. FWIW, PhD admissions are competitive enough that very good students end up getting rejected simply because there aren't enough spots for everyone, so it's not going to be impossible to find someone good to fill a spot in April (or later, for that matter). And in any event, this is not up to you; this happens every year and your POI will know how to deal with it. (And you can stay on good terms with this POI even if you don't attend that program; you'll see them at conferences, and who knows, maybe you'll get a postdoc there one day. It's totally normal for good students to have multiple offers, and they shouldn't be offended if you decide to take another offer.) Again, you've earned the right to do the best for your own future. As long as you're undecided, everything you do is fair. Once you've made a decision, that's when it's time to communicate it as quickly as possible. But take as long as you need first.

Thank you so much for this! I'm sure I will still feel bad to some extent but like you said I'm sure they will find another student to fill my place. And as soon as I know I will be sure to inform the prospective advisor because I really want to get back to them ASAP. I'm sure I will need a few days after my last visit at the end of March though, so thank goodness I have until April 15th!

[ThisIsCruel]

9 hours ago, SomeoneThrewMyShoe said:

The best thing a potential advisor said to me at a visit was "No matter what you decide, when you do, you'll convince youself it was the right choice - so it really doesn't matter!"

Obviously it DOES matter and this decision is going to determine a lot about your life but honestly I thought that was kind of comforting? I haven't made an official decision or signed anything, but I know what school I'd like to go to. And as long as I get off the plane for my visit and it isn't a total nuclear wasteland and as long as my potential department doesn't throw rocks at me, I'm kind of deadset on going. 

And it terrified me. For like 3 days I couldn't sleep because I was saying goodbye to all the potential lives I'd lead at other schools. And after that brief mourning period (it honestly kind of felt like the 5 stages of grief) - I have just been so hype about the school I'm pretty set on. I've been researching apartments. I've been looking at cool places to eat in the city. I've been looking at the faculty and kind of falling in love with it. 

So long story short: mourn the life you could have lived at another school. Let it go and let you in an alternate universe enjoy that life and then just get HYPE about your new school. This change is terrifying but it's so exciting! 

This actually helped me so much. thank you.