Inviting toxic advisors to my graduation

[Hope.for.the.best]

I know this is probably a ridiculous post, but it is something that has been bothering me.

Long story short, my PhD advisors (all pseudonyms), *Andy and *Cecilia got mad at me for not finishing an experiment as a volunteer, but accepted a full-time job from my other advisor, *Ben, in a different department. They sent rude emails to me, cc to *Ben. *Ben was understanding of the situation and talked to them in person. After negotiation, they agreed that I spent some time at work to complete that experiment, so we could finish a manuscript. Turned out, that experiment is technically impossible to do. I thus thought of an alternative and presented that to *Ben. *Ben was pleased with my proposal and asked me to set up a meeting with *Andy and *Cecilia, so we could sit down and discuss. I emailed them twice, only to get a reply from *Cecilia that I should discuss with *Andy, so I followed up with *Andy with another email. However, I received no reply at all. *Ben then asked me to just finish off the manuscript and sent to them. They read the draft and made edits to polish it. Both *Ben and I thought they were happy with the manuscript as it was. Out of nowhere, however, they sent rude emails to me again (cc to *Ben), saying that they wanted that experiment to be done but I ignored them, and I have disregarded their good heart to help me succeed. *Ben was again supportive and met them in person. They finally realized that the experiment was indeed un-doable, and reluctantly agreed that we should just finish the manuscript and send. Since then, they were professional in emails as before. Finally, they are willing to let go of their roles as advisors and acknowledge that *Ben is now my boss. 

I am still taken aback by the whole dilemma. I can see why they were upset with me working for *Ben (as discussed in my previous thread https://forum.thegradcafe.com/topic/103639-have-i-been-rudeimpolite-to-my-advisors/?tab=comments#comment-1058591759). However, I still cannot understand why they got mad at me for an un-doable experiment, especially when I have provided reasons and an alternative. I even requested for a meeting to go through my proposal. It was them who ignored me and then came back to accuse me of ignoring them. How irrational are they! 

Now, I am about to have my PhD graduation. It is certainly a courtesy to invite all advisors. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for *Andy and *Cecilia in helping me to finish PhD, but after all these incidents, I simply don't want to see them again! To be honest, I only want *Ben to be there. I know it does not look good if I only invite *Ben, so do you guys have any good suggestions on how I should cope with *Andy and *Cecilia at my graduation? Yes, a smile and thank you will probably get me through, but I simply can't fake a smile. Even thinking of them now makes my jaw so tensed up that I cannot smile. It is just bad that I dread my graduation when I should look forward to it  

Thanks. 

 

[enstor2639]

I would say invite them because it sounds like they wouldn't even come, but the gesture would be good on your end. At the same time, it doesn't seem like you will ever need or should ask them for letters of recommendation, so not inviting them won't likely hurt anything.

[Sigaba]

IMO, the core question is this: would you want to be invited to an important event by someone who thinks as little of you as you think of Andy and Cecilia?

Inviting Andy and Cecilia to your graduation despite not wanting them to attend raises a second question. Have you really taken to heart the feedback you've received in the referenced thread?

[Hope.for.the.best]

Thank you for both your replies.

@enstor2639 You are right that I don't need reference letters from them, as *Ben and other academics in his department can do one if the need arises. I actually bumped into *Andy the other day. He greeted me very nicely and asked about my graduation date. He indicated that he would love to come. I only said I would get back to him later. Yes, he may not keep his promise like offering paid employment, but not inviting him and *Cecilia will just give them another reason to send rude emails. They can justify that I don't regard them as my advisors. To be honest, it is true. I don't care what they think, but certainly this does not look good to *Ben, even though he is aware of their nasty behaviors. So, it seems like I'd better invite them, and pray that they won't come.

@Sigaba I have definitely taken the feedback I received to heart. I certainly won't care whether I get invited by someone who cares little about me. The trouble here is the manuscript in question has not been published, so in some ways, I still need to deal with *Andy and *Cecilia. I can't completely burn the bridge just yet. *Ben has already defused the situation by asking me to not meet them in person (he meets them instead), as they are going to let out all their anger/disappointment to me instead of discussing the manuscript. In their minds, I am all wrong by starting a postdoc with *Ben, but not volunteering for them until I finish what they want me to do (not just that one experiment for that manuscript, but many more). They cannot show their anger towards *Ben, as this just makes them look very bad, so they turn to me instead. They naively think that they would look better by assigning blame to their student. 

My question is more like how I deal with them properly if they come to my graduation, rather than inviting them or not. Anyway, I will try my best to fake a smile if they choose to come, but things will certainly get awkward. 

[Sigaba]

On 9/22/2018 at 7:48 PM, Hope.for.the.best said:

 I have definitely taken the feedback I received to heart....

Based upon the following, I don't agree that you have. 

By your telling, you're right, they are driven by emotions and naive thought. Only in "their minds" do they have a take on how you're managing your career. 

On 9/22/2018 at 7:48 PM, Hope.for.the.best said:

s hey are going to let out all their anger/disappointment to me instead of discussing the manuscript.

In their minds, I am all wrong by starting a postdoc with *Ben, but not volunteering for them until I finish what they want me to do (not just that one experiment for that manuscript, but many more).

They cannot show their anger towards *Ben, as this just makes them look very bad, so they turn to me instead.

They naively think that they would look better by assigning blame to their student. 

My question is more like how I deal with them properly if they come to my graduation, rather than inviting them or not. Anyway, I will try my best to fake a smile if they choose to come, but things will certainly get awkward. 

The answer to your question is this. Think like a professional. Behave professionally. Be civil, and courteous. Don't be "fake."

As an advisor told me "No one has to know that you don't like them." As a highly accomplished musician has said, "What others think of you is none of your business."