Significant Other & I Disagree on Where to Go

[ILAR]

Hi all,

I'm preparing my application materials to so I can be admitted into the Fall 2020 cohort for a public policy program. Over the past year, my girlfriend of 3+ years and I meticulously looked at areas that would accommodate both her job prospects and my desire to attend a strong policy school. Throughout the course of the year, we identified numerous locations that we felt suited both of our needs, with the intention we would likely stay in the area after I graduated. 

 

Lately, however, our options have seemed limited. Several of the areas we originally agreed upon no longer fit the criteria for my SO. This limited my potential school choices from four to just one. Additionally, I found other areas for us to consider, but she and I did not agree on these new locations either. To be honest, I don't mind the lone location we agree on - the school is great and I enjoyed visiting the city. But it felt very limiting, and I can't help feeling a bit worried I am missing out by not even applying or considering these other locations. 

 

If anyone on this forum had to navigate with a SO throughout the application process, I'd love to hear your perspectives. 

[AtlasFox]

Support goes both ways in a relationship. It sounds like you're being supportive of your SO and her job prospects, but it also sounds like the support is heavier on one side. Cutting 4 programs down to 1 seems a little overkill imo, especially after doing extensive research. 

That said, I think right now you run a higher (and unnecessary) risk of getting shut out of programs by only applying to one or two. I would consider at least applying to the four that were previously agreed on, and possibly more, and then when acceptances/rejections are made, that's when it's time to discuss which option would be the most beneficial for the two of you. 

I don't know how competitive the programs you're looking at are, but the ones I'm currently considering (for an English PhD) are very competitive, and my SO and I have had several conversations about this kind of thing. We both agreed that I should apply to any program that fits my research and offers decent funding, even if the location isn't necessarily ideal. As a result, I have some last-resort programs I'll be applying to, that I would only accept if nowhere else accepted me. However, there's a few programs that are in dream locations for both of us, and I'm making sure that I spend more time on those applications, as I want to make both of us happy. 

[Tigla]

Welcome to the age old dilemma with graduate studies and academia. My fiancee and I have had these discussions for a couple years from now and remain a tense point in our relationship. These discussions will only become harder because life does not wait for academia, but academia seems to think it does (from my jaded point of view). Honesty with everyone - advisers, colleagues, friends, family, and significant others - is the best option, which may lead to heated, but necessary, discussions/fights.

I went through 3 cycles before being accepted and had these discussions ongoing over the past couple of years. As @AtlasFox has already said, you are limiting yourself for the worse and this needs to be said to your SO. They need to know that your future has been jeopardized by their requests. If everything goes according to plan, talking with your SO will foster understanding and acceptance about your graduate studies and future career which will only strengthen your relationship.

If you want, I'm willing to talk about specifics in PM. I don't want to air private laundry on the public board.

[ILAR]

I appreciate both of your thoughtful responses, as you both confirmed aspects of how I've felt throughout the process. Thank you both for taking the time to offer thoughts.