Statement of Purpose Exchange/Review and Feedback

[Alansk]

Hello, I am new to The Grad Cafe so I hope this is in the right section.

I would REALLY appreciate it if a few people could look at my rough draft of my Statement of Purpose, give me feedback and help me edit the paper (crossing my fingers). I can do the same for you. I am applying to two universities abroad (I am a US citizen and live in the US) and they both just need a Statement of Purpose. The program is an MA in an area studies (by area studies I mean, MA in Southeast Asia, MA in Eastern Europe, etc). The directions are relatively straight forward and nothing special to them..."Around 400-500 words indicating the purpose for pursuing graduate study in the particular field at X, and specifying the applicant’s research interests and/or practical experience in the field." Those were the instructions on the main website. I asked the Director of the program directly through email and she said - “We would like to know about your academic background in your own words, especially why you are interested in studying at Y (the specific department). So anything you think is relevant."

I've asked a few people in person but they've yet to take a look at it due to time constraints with other things in life. So I could use some strangers' help. It is roughly 500 words. It has to be around 400-500 words anyway.

 

Thanks,

Edited October 3, 2019 by Alansk
Add and clean up

[Alansk]

This is just a rough draft and I know that. I'd appreciate feedback. 

"I’ve possessed an affinity for political developments in (Region) since 2011 - so much so that I wrote my high school presentation on US foreign policy in (Region). After working hard for two years at community college I earned the ability to go to the foremost public university in the United States. (My School) taught me the importance of proper qualitative and quantitative research and the various strategies associated with it, especially during my time at the X X Institute in Washington, DC. After being selected out of a handful of applicants I moved to Washington DC and worked full time on Capitol Hill learning the ins and outs of the legislative process, while working on a 30-page research report. The report centered on the influence of various actors in the US and how they collectively contribute to a growing Islamophobia. The report, coupled with a full-time job, taught me how to better approach heavy work-loads and complete research in a timely manner. Throughout my undergraduate career I wrote an abundance amount of essays revolving around (Region) in classes ranging from (two classes I name). Learning from experts of the region like Professor Y and Professor YY helped to narrow down my interests. I still have much to learn and am prepared to make the study of (Region) a life-long endeavor. 

I want to pursue an MA in (My Program) at the (Potential School) because my primary academic interest lies within International Affairs of (Region), specifically in Security Studies with a focus on resource constraints like food insecurity and water scarcity, and how that exacerbates political violence in the region. 

Studying at (The Department Name) is of interest to me because I would enjoy working with others from different countries of the region. The program is especially enticing because I can choose courses that match my particular interests in Security Studies. By studying at the (Potential School), I hope to create and grow my professional network in (Country) and beyond. I have researched, read books, and written papers related to (The Country) but that is far different from actually living there. Living in the multicultural, progressive and historical city of (The City) will allow me the opportunity to put myself out there and deeply learn about the country first hand. Because of (Potential School's) location, quality of students and large student population, and a strong reputation across (Region), I know it is where I belong.  

After completing the program, my intent is to take the experiences of living abroad, and knowledge of the region, and assist policymakers on Capitol Hill whom have less knowledge of (Country) and (Region). The policy internships I performed during college fed my desires to serve my country in a political capacity. As a long-term goal, I aim to join the US State Department and work as a Political Officer. Ultimately, my hopes are that this program will help me to become a public servant so I can simultaneously promote American interests and enhance the well-being of individuals in (Region)." 

Edited October 3, 2019 by Alansk

[Cryss]

This seems decent to me. I'm not in foreign policy though. I'm in English, but I believe the SoP for grad schools should include a few faculty members from that school you'd be interested in working with and why. I would add that to your 3rd or 4th paragraph if I were you, but maybe someone in your field can offer up some insight on this though. 

[Alansk]

5 hours ago, Cryss said:

This seems decent to me. I'm not in foreign policy though. I'm in English, but I believe the SoP for grad schools should include a few faculty members from that school you'd be interested in working with and why. I would add that to your 3rd or 4th paragraph if I were you, but maybe someone in your field can offer up some insight on this though. 

Thank you for the feedback. I'm conflicted on that because while yes I've heard to do that, I've also heard it's not necessary. And since I am limited on words, I've been thinking it may be wise to use those words in a different area, like why I want to study in that country/city. Idk... Maybe someone more closer to my field could provide insight on that! Thanks again Cryss