Please advise: PhD (in the US) or Family (another continent)?

[soitgoes]

Hey, I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on how to think through this dilemma:

I applied for PhD programs this Fall. I've heard back from 2 of the 5 schools I applied to, and I got accepted at both (one of which is a top 3 school in my area of studies). So, it's safe to say I have good options in front of me. I'm excited about the prospects. 

My family (parents, siblings, extended clan) all live in the Middle East. I've lived away in the US for the past 6 years, while pursuing undergrad and a master's degree, and only moved back 7 months ago. If I choose to pursue a PhD, that would mean living away from them on another continent for the next 6 years, if not more (considering that I will be beholden to the job market). I deeply love my family, and I find deep joy in living with them. Should I not go the PhD route, I can work in my family business, which is doing exceptionally well, though as a career I would much rather prefer grad school and eventually an academic position in the humanities. 

So what to do? Career or family? Of course, I know that with such little information, it's difficult to assess. But if you've been in a similar position and have some advice to offer, or even if you haven't, please let me know. Thank you!

[gls2814]

Hi! This is a really tough situation to be in and I can understand being torn between family and career (for different reasons in my own life). I had a professor once stress to our entire class that personal happiness is really important and we shouldn't make decisions off of what other people want for us or what they think we should do. If you're not happy/content with the idea of a decision, it might not be the best choice. 

I definitely could not tell you what to do; I don't think anyone here can. But if I had to make this decision, here are some things that I would be considering:

• A PhD is a long commitment. A program might say the timeline is 6 years, but some people take up to 10 years to finish a PhD for various reasons. Would you be okay with this? 
• Do you feel like you would be missing out on an opportunity to advance your career? This seems like a really basic question, but what I'd be considering (and actually am considering while I await decisions) is if I would resent not doing my PhD and would I resent my family because I made the decision to stay with them instead (I don't at all mean this to sound harsh. It's just something to consider). This might not be something you can foresee now; hindsight is always 20/20, but it is something to think about. 
• What does getting a doctorate mean to you? Is it for personal fulfillment/happiness/contentment/achievement/success? Do you need it to achieve your career goals? 
• What does the future hold for either decision? Humanities job market is really tight as I've heard from numerous professors. PhDs are a risk. Or, Can you foresee yourself running the family business in the future? 
• When you think about making either decision, which one makes you happy/excited/hopeful? I know we probably shouldn't base decisions off of feelings, but what I tend to do is imagine myself going down both paths that I'm deciding between and I think about the one that I am most excited about. This isn't the surefire or best way to make a heavy decision; of course, imagination and reality will not always line up, and it will be a tough road ahead because life is tough all around, but imagining both scenarios and paying attention to how you feel about both of them can help you figure out what you truly want.

Edited February 5, 2020 by gls2814

[avidnote]

I know a friend of mine who did his master's in Sweden and then chose to go to the US to do his PhD (although I think he might have applied here as well, can't remember). He then arrived right around Trump's travel ban (he was Iranian) and now he can't leave the states and visit his family since he might not be able to get back into the states if he does do that. Honestly, if all other things stay constant (i..e the quality of the education and compensation etc), I would personally chose to do it in Europe where you will be able to visit your parents sporadically since flights to the Middle East are frequent and don't cost as much nor take as much time.  

[soitgoes]

12 hours ago, avidnote said:

I know a friend of mine who did his master's in Sweden and then chose to go to the US to do his PhD (although I think he might have applied here as well, can't remember). He then arrived right around Trump's travel ban (he was Iranian) and now he can't leave the states and visit his family since he might not be able to get back into the states if he does do that. Honestly, if all other things stay constant (i..e the quality of the education and compensation etc), I would personally chose to do it in Europe where you will be able to visit your parents sporadically since flights to the Middle East are frequent and don't cost as much nor take as much time.  

Thank you, @avidnote. I don't think I'll be facing any political trouble going to and fro from the Middle East to the US because I'm not Middle Eastern (I just grew up there). But I agree that UK/Europe would have been a good option. Europe's proximity to the Middle East creates greater ability to travel back home. Alas, I chose not to apply there because I prefer the American PhD model (2-3 years of coursework, then 2-3 years of dissertation writing) and I have done much of my schooling there already. Moreover, as I have no familial ties to Europe, the thought of studying there didn't really enter my mind. I ended up applying to PhD programs in the US and those are now the options available to me. Others who have yet to apply for PhD programs and face similar worries as me should heed your advice.

[soitgoes]

On 2/5/2020 at 6:44 PM, gls2814 said:

Hi! This is a really tough situation to be in and I can understand being torn between family and career (for different reasons in my own life). I had a professor once stress to our entire class that personal happiness is really important and we shouldn't make decisions off of what other people want for us or what they think we should do. If you're not happy/content with the idea of a decision, it might not be the best choice. 

I definitely could not tell you what to do; I don't think anyone here can. But if I had to make this decision, here are some things that I would be considering:

• A PhD is a long commitment. A program might say the timeline is 6 years, but some people take up to 10 years to finish a PhD for various reasons. Would you be okay with this? 
• Do you feel like you would be missing out on an opportunity to advance your career? This seems like a really basic question, but what I'd be considering (and actually am considering while I await decisions) is if I would resent not doing my PhD and would I resent my family because I made the decision to stay with them instead (I don't at all mean this to sound harsh. It's just something to consider). This might not be something you can foresee now; hindsight is always 20/20, but it is something to think about. 
• What does getting a doctorate mean to you? Is it for personal fulfillment/happiness/contentment/achievement/success? Do you need it to achieve your career goals? 
• What does the future hold for either decision? Humanities job market is really tight as I've heard from numerous professors. PhDs are a risk. Or, Can you foresee yourself running the family business in the future? 
• When you think about making either decision, which one makes you happy/excited/hopeful? I know we probably shouldn't base decisions off of feelings, but what I tend to do is imagine myself going down both paths that I'm deciding between and I think about the one that I am most excited about. This isn't the surefire or best way to make a heavy decision; of course, imagination and reality will not always line up, and it will be a tough road ahead because life is tough all around, but imagining both scenarios and paying attention to how you feel about both of them can help you figure out what you truly want.

@gls2814, thank you kindly for your response. I read it out to my family (we are trying to navigate this situation together) and we all agreed that your response read as if you were one of my closest friends, giving balanced advice. Often I find that my American friends tend to stress "follow your dreams," and my international friends stress family cohesion (with exceptions). As I am a child of both worlds, it's always confusing to hear such differences in opinion.

But all your questions call for further introspection. In particular, I will need to reflect on whether I may feel resentment. I'll be visiting the programs I've been admitted to in early March. I think that your last point will come into play then: can I envision myself spending 6+ years in this or that place? How does it make me feel? I actually do think that emotion plays a big part in how we make such decisions because it's often through relying on emotions that we decide how to prioritize one pro/con over another. 

It seems like you're going through something similar. If you need an ear, I'm here. 

A thousand thanks, kind stranger.

Edited February 8, 2020 by soitgoes

[avidnote]

6 hours ago, soitgoes said:

Thank you, @avidnote. I don't think I'll be facing any political trouble going to and fro from the Middle East to the US because I'm not Middle Eastern (I just grew up there). But I agree that UK/Europe would have been a good option. Europe's proximity to the Middle East creates greater ability to travel back home. Alas, I chose not to apply there because I prefer the American PhD model (2-3 years of coursework, then 2-3 years of dissertation writing) and I have done much of my schooling there already. Moreover, as I have no familial ties to Europe, the thought of studying there didn't really enter my mind. I ended up applying to PhD programs in the US and those are now the options available to me. Others who have yet to apply for PhD programs and face similar worries as me should heed your advice.

OK now I understand, so it is basically a choice between a PhD (only in the US) or to work with your family's business in the Middle East? I assume that you have already talked about this with your family, what do they think?

[Gatech_ST]

I was in similar situation 

نفس حالتك ?

 

The question I would ask you, and my advisor did is to think about the reason behind your PhD goal.

What are your career goals ?

How PhD will help you achieve that goal?

 

I will also consider Masters Vs. PhD and how that can help you achieve your goals? Masters usually takes 1.5/2 years so it isn't that bad compared to full PhD 4-6 years.

 

اذا حاب نتكلم عن الموضوع انا عربي نفسك ابعثلي مسج ?

Good luck !