Genuinely losing my mind

[digital_cryptid]

I cannot stop checking my email. I've been emailing the professors I want to work with just to make small talk and hoping they'll give me some kind of hint at a decision date. 

The last times I've applied, I've still been quite nervous. That said, this is such a pivotal moment in my life and in my career. If I don't get in, I have a job lined up to advise a college newspaper. I do this job in a temporary capacity right now and I love it, but my passion is research and I know that the things I want to do, not having a PhD is going to hold me back. If I don't get in, I'm not going to keep living my life in limbo like I have for the past three years. I want to settle somewhere. I'm tired of feeling like I can't plant my feet anywhere, like there is no point unpacking moving boxes because everything has been so temporary. I work three jobs right now, all contract work because I'm not able to be full-time without this damn doctorates.

If I get a yes, I can move, settle for 4-5 years, and start toward the research career I want to do. If I get all no's, I buy a house here and wait another 5 years to try again. With so much of my future depending on this decision, I am having trouble simply getting up in the morning. I am anxious, fatigued, starving but too nauseous to eat. It's eating me alive and I can see how negatively this stress is impacting my health.

I just want to know.

[applicant19]

Hi, I just wanted to respond to this because I so relate to your agony. Last year I applied narrowly and was rejected from every school. What would have been an ordinary setback was exacerbated by severe struggles with depression and anxiety, a near-relapse into my eating disorder, and sheer chaos in my life. I was fired from a job, and had to struggle to find another one right after my grad school rejections. 

This year I applied again, but I was basically going through the motions with no hope that I'd find success in the process. My self-worth was so depleted at that point that I figured I might as well flush the application fees down the toilet. On top of that, I was in debt from unemployment and drifting in my day to day life, unsure I'd find a purpose again.

I was recently accepted to a great program, and I'm very happy about that. However, it wasn't worth the agony I put myself through to get to that point. This isn't a self-congratulatory "just hang in there and it'll happen for you" post. It's a reminder that we are going through some god-awful, world-historical circumstances with COVID and its social implications, and it's making everything much more difficult. It can be easy to fixate on something you think you control (grad school apps) to compensate for what you can't. The reality is, we are all making our way through very tough times. The fact that you're choosing to put yourself out there, to seek a higher degree and intellectual fulfillment regardless is extremely impressive. 

I can't take away the physical symptoms of your anguish, nor can I relieve the dread that comes as a part of this process. But the one piece of advice that I found helpful is that you should reassure yourself that feelings of anxiety and depression over this process are perfectly normal. When you feel them coming up, don't blame yourself for feeling that way--it makes total sense given the enormity of what we're doing here. You deserve to be kind to yourself and to approach your feelings and reactions to events with care. That's really all that got me through it. 

For what its worth, it sounds like your pursuit of this is absolutely worthwhile and you should feel immense pride in yourself for nurturing the joy you derive from research. That part of you will survive no matter what happens with grad school. 

[Anxiouspotato]

Hey,

I hope that you receive the answer very soon. I can’t imagine how stressful this process can be and just wishing that you can take one step at a time and ground yourself to the present.