Spousal issue

[tp19467]

I'm about to finish my 1st year PhD, and my wife just finished her MA and got a very good job in San Francisco (she didn't expect to get this dream job). I'm considering switching the department so we can live together (she also got a job in my area, 6 miles away, but it is not as good for her career as the one in San Francisco so I want her to move there). Should I talk to my advisor about my issue? I have a good relationship with my advisor so I'm afraid I may piss him off when talking about my spousal issue and my intention. Is re-applying possible in my case? 

 

[cardamoma]

IOW you're thinking of 'quitting' your PhD at this school and applying to another program next cycle, starting fresh with a new advisor?

I definitely think it is possible, but your challenge will be explaining the reason you left to the next school while also giving them confidence that your ability to fulfill your commitment to the program does not hinge on the whims of your spouse's career. Programs do understand that family always comes first, but they also know that because of this students with families have a lower likelihood of finishing and it can count against you, particularly in circumstances such as these. With this in mind, proceed with caution because there is never any guarantee you will be accepted at the next place and having just left another program may not improve your chances. 

Just a thought- can you stay in your current location until you reach candidacy (spouse moves w/o you first) and then carry on remotely (or largely so) for the remaining years? Similarly, could you do something like that and master out, just being remote for the last bit of time? I know that won't work for all fields, but if there is any chance it could work for you I would definitely discuss your situation with your advisor. 

Edited April 3, 2022 by cardamoma

[tp19467]

8 hours ago, cardamoma said:

 Just a thought- can you stay in your current location until you reach candidacy (spouse moves w/o you first) and then carry on remotely (or largely so) for the remaining years? Similarly, could you do something like that and master out, just being remote for the last bit of time? I know that won't work for all fields, but if there is any chance it could work for you I would definitely discuss your situation with your advisor. 

I doubt this, because in my 3rd year I still have to do TA/RA at school, so it's highly unlikely that I can do everything online. I just wonder whether my re-application pisses my advisor off (though he may understand that family always comes first), and he may write me off (he is an influential scholar and my program is a top one, so his recommendation letter is make or break in whether I get into a new program if I decide to reapply). My wife told me that if I switch, she would be in this area until I finish my PhD because she really likes this job and wants to work in this company for a long time (very good salary as well). 

By "master out", you mean I get an MA and reapply into a program in my wife's city? That's also a route that I'm considering. I think I may be able to transfer some credits, but basically I still have to retake most of the classes if I successfully switch the department 

 

 

[cardamoma]

35 minutes ago, tp19467 said:

I just wonder whether my re-application pisses my advisor off (though he may understand that family always comes first), and he may write me off (he is an influential scholar and my program is a top one, so his recommendation letter is make or break in whether I get into a new program if I decide to reapply). 

 

 

 

It is impossible to predict how he will take the information that you plan to leave and restart elsewhere. However, you are a professional, and you should approach it like one. The fact is that you don't need his permission and that this is a decision you need to make with your spouse, not with your advisor. It is entirely possible that he will feel put out by the information and refuse to recommend you, but receiving a poor reaction seems like the wrong reason to stay at this program. 

Even with his favorable recommendation, you cannot hang your hat on getting into an institution in the Bay Area. You will be in a much stronger position all around if you can finish your current program with an MA before applying to the new program, both in terms of the chances you will receive an offer and of your employability in the event things don't pan out. If it were me, I would prioritize this option even if it means living apart from your spouse for a period of time. 

[uncle_socks]

Yeah even if you're at HYPM, your chances of transferring into Berkeley or Stanford are...not fantastic. If you're anywhere else, you'll basically have to prove that you're currently "underplaced" and that going to S/B is a beneficial move for you academically. S/B don't want to take you just because you're "good enough" and your spouse is there. Even if you do get in, you'll likely not actually be able to transfer much and would have to take coursework again. 

Slim chances aside, my next concern is what are you going to do after you graduate and your wife still loves her dream job. The chances of graduating from Stanford or Berkeley and getting a TT job in the bay area are very bad. You could work in tech? But you could also just master out from your current program and work in tech without wasting your life on finishing the PhD. 

If you're on a more personal level with your advisor, I'd definitely try to like, scope out his advice. I wouldn't frame it as "would you support me if I tried to transfer out," but rather a "my spouse has this dream job offer, and I'm struggling to understand and evaluate what my options are" situation. There are obvious reasons, beyond his own ego, why trying to transfer is a bad idea, and if he's a genuine good guy, he can probably help you think things through much better than us anonymous nobodies can. IMO, I think the best thing you can do, if you're at a school that doesn't require you to TA every semester, is to get your TA'ing debt out of the way and then dissertate in the bay area with your spouse. 

[tp19467]

On 4/3/2022 at 9:45 PM, cardamoma said:

It is impossible to predict how he will take the information that you plan to leave and restart elsewhere. However, you are a professional, and you should approach it like one. The fact is that you don't need his permission and that this is a decision you need to make with your spouse, not with your advisor. It is entirely possible that he will feel put out by the information and refuse to recommend you, but receiving a poor reaction seems like the wrong reason to stay at this program. 

Even with his favorable recommendation, you cannot hang your hat on getting into an institution in the Bay Area. You will be in a much stronger position all around if you can finish your current program with an MA before applying to the new program, both in terms of the chances you will receive an offer and of your employability in the event things don't pan out. If it were me, I would prioritize this option even if it means living apart from your spouse for a period of time. 

This is definitely a good advice. Thanks for your help!