my first paragraph of SOP, does this catch your attention?

[morningdew]

Hi guys, thank you for your feedback first...

I am applying for media communication program and my GPA is not that great so I need to write a good SOP. I know that the first paragraph of SOP has to stand out and have that "hook". I was wondering if this would be good? I felt it was bit boring and needed creativity but you judge.

" Ever since when I came to America when I was 10 years old, my computer and television became my best friends. Both of my parents started to work full time at the laundry cleaner right away, and I was left at my aunt’s house to face the unknown challenges at the American elementary school. Being the first Asian student in the class has attracted many attentions, but my inabilities to speak English language and my lack of knowledge in American culture have made a barrier for me to make new friends. However, by looking up English phrases in Internet and watching children shows like “Arthur” in television, I was able to smash the barrier and connect with America. The media technology has expanded my intellectual horizon, and that is where my passion for communication field has started. "

and then i talked about my university, why i chose this grad school, my future research questions

Edited October 6, 2010 by gracie915

[hahahut]

Hi! The beginning is absolutely the hardest part of the whole SOP in my opinion. I have changed mine like ten times now. So if you haven't, work on the rest of the essay first. You might end up having a very good idea what you want the first paragraph to convey at a later time. It also allows you to catch a lot of random ideas.

For this version, I am not so sure about the first sentence. The pattern of "Ever since <time/age/...>" just seems too much a cliche. I think the rest is good though. It is an experience many non-English speakers have. (It is almost like a joke when I tell my friends how much Friends has helped me improving English.)

[UnlikelyGrad]

Hi guys, thank you for your feedback first...

I am applying for media communication program and my GPA is not that great so I need to write a good SOP. I know that the first paragraph of SOP has to stand out and have that "hook". I was wondering if this would be good? I felt it was bit boring and needed creativity but you judge.

" Ever since when I came to America when I was 10 years old, my computer and television became my best friends. Both of my parents started to work full time at the laundry cleaner right away, and I was left at my aunt’s house to face the unknown challenges at the American elementary school. Being the first Asian student in the class has attracted many attentions, but my inabilities to speak English language and my lack of knowledge in American culture have made a barrier for me to make new friends. However, by looking up English phrases in Internet and watching children shows like “Arthur” in television, I was able to smash the barrier and connect with America. The media technology has expanded my intellectual horizon, and that is where my passion for communication field has started. "

and then i talked about my university, why i chose this grad school, my future research questions

I would reword it this way:

When I first came to America at age 10, I was the first Asian student in my class. I attracted a lot of attention, but my inability to speak the English language and my lack of knowledge of American culture were steep barriers to making new friends. Both of my parents had begun working full time at a laundry [or dry cleaner, not laundry cleaner]; so when I wasn't facing the challenge of American elementary school, I was left at my aunt's house. Here, I watched children's shows like "Arthur" and used the internet to look up unfamiliar English phrases. Technology expanded my intellectual horizon. Thus began my passion for the communication field.

[morningdew]

Hi! The beginning is absolutely the hardest part of the whole SOP in my opinion. I have changed mine like ten times now. So if you haven't, work on the rest of the essay first. You might end up having a very good idea what you want the first paragraph to convey at a later time. It also allows you to catch a lot of random ideas.

For this version, I am not so sure about the first sentence. The pattern of "Ever since <time/age/...>" just seems too much a cliche. I think the rest is good though. It is an experience many non-English speakers have. (It is almost like a joke when I tell my friends how much Friends has helped me improving English.)

Thank you! I totally agree that beginning is the hardest part. I also agreed on "ever since" phrase, I felt like I used it a lot before. i'm definitely changing the first sentence!

[hahahut]

My try is: My parents' decision of moving to the States started my unexpected friendship with televisions.

[fuzzylogician]

Frankly I'd cut this whole paragraph out. If the purpose of the SOP is to teach the adcom who you are as a researcher and who you would like to become, this paragraph does not advance that goal one bit. I'd bet most media students spent a lot of time watching TV and surfing the internet when they were growing up, it's like the cliche about English majors loving to read books. Everyone has some exposure to the media, yet not everyone wants to go to graduate school to study the media. Why are you fascinated with this field? what kinds of questions interest you most, and why? -- In my opinion, those would be much better "hooks", if you think you need one. Personally I'm in favor of the "no fluff, no hooks" approach. I started my SOP with several research questions I thought I'd like to explore in grad school. But in any event, I support the advice you've been given here that you should work out the rest of your essay first and write the intro and conclusion only after the body of the essay has been written and polished. Those are the hardest parts so you shouldn't get stuck on them.

[morningdew]

Frankly I'd cut this whole paragraph out. If the purpose of the SOP is to teach the adcom who you are as a researcher and who you would like to become, this paragraph does not advance that goal one bit. I'd bet most media students spent a lot of time watching TV and surfing the internet when they were growing up, it's like the cliche about English majors loving to read books. Everyone has some exposure to the media, yet not everyone wants to go to graduate school to study the media. Why are you fascinated with this field? what kinds of questions interest you most, and why? -- In my opinion, those would be much better "hooks", if you think you need one. Personally I'm in favor of the "no fluff, no hooks" approach. I started my SOP with several research questions I thought I'd like to explore in grad school. But in any event, I support the advice you've been given here that you should work out the rest of your essay first and write the intro and conclusion only after the body of the essay has been written and polished. Those are the hardest parts so you shouldn't get stuck on them.

Thank you for your advise! I already wrote all my statement of purpose but I don't want to bore you guys with all my paragraphs so I only posted my first paragraph. The 1/3 of the SOP talks about my list of research interests and why I chose this school. I definitely am worrying about how I can make my SOP distinguished from other applicants. I do understand what you are saying, and I am torn between if I should be all serious or can I use some creativity?

I know I want to ultimately earn Ph.D. to become professor to teach, but would that be too selfish to put in there? Or is that a reasonable goal? I don't want to sound like I'm just gonna use my Masters as a stepping stone to be a professor.

thanks!

Edited October 7, 2010 by gracie915

[fuzzylogician]

I know I want to ultimately earn Ph.D. to become professor to teach, but would that be too selfish to put in there? Or is that a reasonable goal? I don't want to sound like I'm just gonna use my Masters as a stepping stone to be a professor.

Getting a PhD and becoming a professor are great reasons to get a Masters degree. Why should a Masters program be offended by an applicant who thinks that they can obtain a good education there which will pave their way to being admitted into a good PhD program? Maybe I don't quite understand what your worry is.

[morningdew]

Getting a PhD and becoming a professor are great reasons to get a Masters degree. Why should a Masters program be offended by an applicant who thinks that they can obtain a good education there which will pave their way to being admitted into a good PhD program? Maybe I don't quite understand what your worry is.

Hey fuzzylogician, can I ask you one more question? Do you think this first paragraph serves the purpose better?

" Recently, The Social Network movie has been dominating box office and receiving an Oscar buzz. Who would have thought that program created by a college student could create a global phenomenon? Because anyone from anywhere can actively participate in social media technologies, how do social media technologies help people to understand different cultures? What might be a motivation for a person from Germany to use the Facebook compare to American users? Also, how are different ages using the social media technologies to their benefits? Do social media technologies play multi functions other than to just connect with other people? What is next media technology that will create a global phenomenon? I hope to discover these answers to the questions during my graduate program at DePaul University. "

Edited October 7, 2010 by gracie915

[fuzzylogician]

Hey fuzzylogician, can I ask you one more question? Do you think this first paragraph serves the purpose better?

" Recently, The Social Network movie has been dominating box office and receiving an Oscar buzz. Who would have thought that program created by a college student could create a global phenomenon? Because anyone from anywhere can actively participate in social media technologies, how do social media technologies help people to understand different cultures? What might be a motivation for a person from Germany to use the Facebook compare to American users? Also, how are different ages using the social media technologies to their benefits? Do social media technologies play multi functions other than to just connect with other people? What is next media technology that will create a global phenomenon? I hope to discover these answers to the questions during my graduate program at DePaul University. "

I think it's definitely a step in the right direction (at least for my taste; again, there are many people out there who do support the "hook" approach), but it needs a lot of tweaking. Before you submit your essays you should really have someone go over them to proof-read for grammatical and stylistic errors. Maybe there's a writing center at your school that you could use?

I think that there's WAY too much going on in this paragraph. I know you're only applying to a Masters program and it might be hard for you to define your interests but there definitely seems to be a common thread to all of your questions. Can you articulate it in one or two sentences? what is the overarching topic that you find interesting here? Right now I think you're asking too many questions. Each one of them could easily be a long-term project, so saying that you hope to learn the answers to them all is very unrealistic in my opinion. If you could concentrate on just defining the large question you're interested in and then giving one or two concrete more focused questions that you could ask, I think your essay will be more convincing in the sense that it'll show the adcom that you understand the scope of what you can do in a Masters program -- what is a feasible project to undertake.

Additionally, I'm not sure (I know nothing about media studies) but I feel like you're throwing in buzz-words where they don't quite fit.

I'll go through this paragraph one or two sentences at a time and be very nit-picky, but ignore grammatical errors; I hope that's OK with you:

Recently, The Social Network movie has been dominating box office and receiving an Oscar buzz. Who would have thought that program created by a college student could create a global phenomenon?

Hm, this is supposed to be some sort of a short "hook"? I don't see what it's doing for you here. Why is this anecdote important?

Maybe I am too much of a cynic, but I'm also not a fan of the "who would have thought" type question. However, I can't tell you why exactly.

Because anyone from anywhere can actively participate in social media technologies, how do social media technologies help people to understand different cultures?

The because-clause is out of place. Do you mean something like "given that ..., how ..." ?

What might be a motivation for a person from Germany to use the Facebook compare to American users?

So you'd like to explore the motivation people might have for using a certain technology or software; but why are you assuming a-priori that you'll find different answers for people from different countries or ages? Also (forgive the bluntness), why is this question interesting? What will it teach us if we do come up with findings as you predict?

Do social media technologies play multi functions other than to just connect with other people?

Well, you're basically assuming in your previous questions that the answer here is 'yes'.

What is next media technology that will create a global phenomenon?

If you know the answer, tell me now so I can buy stocks

Or, in other words: it's probably close to impossible to research this question in grad school.

[morningdew]

I think it's definitely a step in the right direction (at least for my taste; again, there are many people out there who do support the "hook" approach), but it needs a lot of tweaking. Before you submit your essays you should really have someone go over them to proof-read for grammatical and stylistic errors. Maybe there's a writing center at your school that you could use?

I think that there's WAY too much going on in this paragraph. I know you're only applying to a Masters program and it might be hard for you to define your interests but there definitely seems to be a common thread to all of your questions. Can you articulate it in one or two sentences? what is the overarching topic that you find interesting here? Right now I think you're asking too many questions. Each one of them could easily be a long-term project, so saying that you hope to learn the answers to them all is very unrealistic in my opinion. If you could concentrate on just defining the large question you're interested in and then giving one or two concrete more focused questions that you could ask, I think your essay will be more convincing in the sense that it'll show the adcom that you understand the scope of what you can do in a Masters program -- what is a feasible project to undertake.

Additionally, I'm not sure (I know nothing about media studies) but I feel like you're throwing in buzz-words where they don't quite fit.

I'll go through this paragraph one or two sentences at a time and be very nit-picky, but ignore grammatical errors; I hope that's OK with you:

Recently, The Social Network movie has been dominating box office and receiving an Oscar buzz. Who would have thought that program created by a college student could create a global phenomenon?

Hm, this is supposed to be some sort of a short "hook"? I don't see what it's doing for you here. Why is this anecdote important?

Maybe I am too much of a cynic, but I'm also not a fan of the "who would have thought" type question. However, I can't tell you why exactly.

Because anyone from anywhere can actively participate in social media technologies, how do social media technologies help people to understand different cultures?

The because-clause is out of place. Do you mean something like "given that ..., how ..." ?

What might be a motivation for a person from Germany to use the Facebook compare to American users?

So you'd like to explore the motivation people might have for using a certain technology or software; but why are you assuming a-priori that you'll find different answers for people from different countries or ages? Also (forgive the bluntness), why is this question interesting? What will it teach us if we do come up with findings as you predict?

Do social media technologies play multi functions other than to just connect with other people?

Well, you're basically assuming in your previous questions that the answer here is 'yes'.

What is next media technology that will create a global phenomenon?

If you know the answer, tell me now so I can buy stocks

Or, in other words: it's probably close to impossible to research this question in grad school.

You do make good points. I didn't know writing SoP is this hard... I feel like I'm in grad school already... I definitely need put more efforts for sure...

[vivaglam]

Hi Gracie915!

I'm applying to a media studies program myself and feel your pain. My interests are pretty diverse too and I'm having a difficult time articulating them into a few sentences.

I feel talking about The Social Network- the movie is a great way to start your essay, but you need to cut your statement short so that it reflects and eventually leads to what your particular academic interests are.

I am personally interested in the changing nature of media and how old forms of media are accommodating new ones and in turn how we the consumer/audience are affected by these changes.

If I were to use the movie as an example, I'd talk about how an older form of media (movies) is representing a new and popular form of media (social networking) and what its success means.

If your focus in on human-media relationships (which is what I gather from your introductions), you could probably focus on Facebook and its overwhelming popularity which led to an eventual on screen portrayal of its creation that people were willing to pay to watch.

I hope this helps. I also feel the posts above are extremely helpful. After reading one of them I've decided to drop my anecdotal hook for good. Lets hope it works out!

Good luck with your application!

[Ajaqua]

I'm not sure why it has not been mentioned but there are a lot of grammatical errors in your 1st paragraph. I'm assuming you have already submitted it but if not here goes:

Ever since when I came to America when I was 10 years old, my computer and television became my best friends. Both of my parents started to work full time at the laundry cleaner right away, and I was left at my aunt’s house to face the unknown challenges at of the American elementary school. Being the first Asian student in the class has attracted many much attention, but my inabilityies to speak the English language and my lack of knowledge in American culture have made created a barrier for me to make new friends. However, by looking up English phrases in on the internet and watching children shows like “Arthur” in television, I was able to smash the barrier and connect with America. The media technology has expanded my intellectual horizon, and that is where my passion for the field of communication field has started.

[banana21]

Hi Gracie 915,

Like you, I am applying to Communication/Media Studies. My applications are due in Feb and so I haven't yet written my complete SOP.

Do you want to have a further discussion on our apps (assuming you're still in the process of).

If so, e-mail me at goop84@yahoo.com.

I'd love to share tidbits and perhaps gain some insight from you - vice versa too, I hope!

D