Dating advice - incoming grad student

[CoffeeTortoise]

Hey there everyone! I will soon be a graduate student this coming fall. I was wondering if you guys had any tips or advice for dating as a graduate student. I know it will not be my primary focus however I'd like to at least meet some people and socialize and see if there is a potential match. It would be nice to have someone to study together, and help each other out. I have always worried a bit about finding a partner (I'm a man and will be a year younger than almost every other graduate student) but have not had luck so far. How could I meet other graduate students or even other medical/dental students (they'll be at the same apartment building on campus as me). If you guys have any tips or even encouraging words such as to be patient, etc. I am worried that maybe I am too old (21) and will never find someone.

 

I apologize about the long paragraph but I appreciate any replies!

[The Penguin and Podiatrist]

First of all, 21 is definitely not too old to find a partner. You are still very young. 21 is just beginning your life as an adult. I think we're often told by our culture that we have to follow this very strict deadline of when to find a partner, get married, have kids, etc... but please don't put that pressure on yourself to find a partner by a specific age-- especially an age as young as 21. We all have those fears of not achieving something we really want, whether it be romantic love, a career we love, fame, traveling, success etc..--- whatever it is people have those fears and they're normal and I am not trying to invalidate your feelings. It's valid to yearn and want things from life. Just saying that you have so much time and putting pressure on yourself to meet a timeline that's been set out for us by society will only give you anxiety. 

That said, there's nothing wrong with wanting a partner and seeking one out in grad school! I think grad school is a great place to meet people with similar interests and values. 🙂 I know tons of people who met their partners while in grad school. 

Here are some tips that I hope help! (There's a lot haha)

Go to events and find people with common interests

• I recommended joining your grad student union if your university has one. Not only do they help fight for your rights as a union, but they tend to have mixers/get togethers to meet a lot of other grad students from all different departments. These events are a great way to meet people. 
• Bouncing off of that last point--- universities have a lot of events to get to meet people and do things. Get out there and go to the events to meet people. Your building will likely have social events too.
• Join clubs/groups/sports that interest you! Clubs are a great way to meet people doing something you already love or are interested in trying. Universities have tons of clubs-- I bet there is at least one that will interest you. But don't be afraid to try something new too. I am NOT an athlete at all, but I joined an intermural sports team and had fun despite not being that great.
• Depending on where your grad school is: get to know the community outside of the campus. You can find people who share your values/interests. I went to music shows, found a coffee shop to do work in and got to know the other people who frequented there who became my good friends, did community theater, got involved in volunteering and activism--- you don't have to do those things specifically of course, but don't be afraid to get involved in the community. Go places and talk to people!
• When you do what you love and what interests you, then it's easier to find people who share your passions! 

Try dating apps

• These are very hit or miss, but they're good to get you out there and meeting people.  Having good, clear pictures of you doing what you love is a good way to attract people with similar values/interests. I've seen a lot of men with very unclear photos and profiles where they're not putting their best foot forward/ don't really tell the people who they really are/what they want or value, so having those things could really help stand out to the people you want to attract.

A note on dating within your department 

• When I was in grad school the first time, there was a lot of dating within my department. You spend a lot of time with your fellow students so it makes sense feelings might develop. I dated within my department and I do not regret it at all, but I will say to be careful and intentional when you date within the department. There were people in my department who couldn't stand to work together after having dated and that's hard when your department is small. It made their lives harder. There were also people who treated other people like shit when they rejected their advances--- that obviously is not ok behavior. The person I dated in my department was already one of my friends for some time and we both knew we had feelings for each other when we started dating. When we broke up, we ended amicably and we're still good friends a few years later. My advice is to take dating slow within departments to make sure that no one is made to be uncomfortable. Be friends first and get to know people as people before rushing into a relationship. Treat the department as a work place (because it often is if you're a TA or RA). It's ok to date within a work place, but just be extra careful of people's feelings and your own. Be respectful of boundaries and set clear boundaries. Communicate well and don't assume you're on the same page.

 

The most important piece of advice I can give you on dating in grad school (and to anyone in general) is to look for a person and not an idea of a person. I know a lot of people who were disappointed when they idealized someone instead of trying to get to know the person for who they really are.

I know that's a lot, but I hope it helps and I hope you enjoy grad school! I think it can be an enjoyable time. 🙂