Significant others and the application process

[D0M]

And I thought I was the only one with these problems...

This past year was the first my boyfriend and I have carried on a (VERY)-long distance relationship (he got into Law school in the west while I live in the east--of Canada). Now it was my turn to apply to grad schools and although I applied mostly out west, one school is 6 hours away from him, one is a short but $$ flight away, and the third is actually the school he is at. We have been together for 4+ years and we both agree that our relationship will remain long term. The issue is that I have no idea how to balance my decision-- I really do want to live with him, but what if the programs at the other schools are superior? The problem here is that for the MPH programs I have applied to there is very little information out there in terms of ranking. I cant help but think that if I dont choose his school I will regret my decision, or if I do choose his school I will regret my decision. AH!

Just venting....

[nhyn]

- I really do want to live with him, but what if the programs at the other schools are superior? The problem here is that for the MPH programs I have applied to there is very little information out there in terms of ranking. I cant help but think that if I dont choose his school I will regret my decision, or if I do choose his school I will regret my decision. AH!

Just venting....

If you've done everything humanly possible to find out about these schools and still don't know which is better, doesn't it make it easier to choose? Either way, you might regret. Either way, you might be happy. So...50/50? Maybe either way, it will be ok, you just have to work hard at making the most out of it and not regretting

[Owlie]

I'm glad I found this place--my friends who are applying to/ are already in grad school are all single, so there aren't many people to talk to about these issues.

My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. He has been very supportive through the whole application process--he proofread my essays, listened to me whine about the whole thing, helped me pick clothes out for the interviews--but I'm pretty sure he's sick of my whining about waiting. He told me at the beginning of the process that he'd move to wherever I went. He's still got another year of undergrad left (he's in engineering), so it isn't as if his life is on hold until I know where I'm going.

I've got two schools that I have a shot at getting into. One is at our undergraduate institution. The other is at a school in his home state, on the other side of the country. (Yes, he did have something to do with the decision to apply there.) He'd be much happier with me at the latter once he finishes up his undergrad degree, but I don't know what his job prospects would be. We'd also have to pursue a long-distance relationship for at least that year. If I went with the former, we'd be able to live together as we have been, but he wouldn't be as happy. I guess we'll cross that bridge when I come to it. We've done the LDR thing before, when he went on co-op for eight months, but that was when I had friends close by to distract me.

Ultimately, though, he doesn't factor hugely into my decision, which makes me feel a little guilty. I don't feel like I'm taking into account his feelings, even though he hasn't really said anything other than "I'll move wherever you're going."

[nakasa]

Hey all,

Reading through all these messages has been heartening for me. As someone who's on the other side of the process from most of you (my boyfriend of three years is in the process of choosing a Phd program as we speak, while I'm waiting to hear on a Fulbright), I can tell you it's just as hard, if not harder, from this perspective! Wherever he ends up, he'll be there for six years, with not a lot of wiggle room to move around. That means that whether he goes to New Haven or Ann Arbor or Chicago, that place will be a part of my life as well. At the same time, I'm firmly of the belief that I have to do what's best for myself and my career right now, wherever that takes me.

Unfortunately, the idea of never compromising for a man is a lot easier when the man is just a theoretical guy somewhere out there in the universe. It's a whole lot harder when it's your best friend.

So...this is my way of saying, I have no idea what's going to happen when we both graduate from undergrad in May. We're committed to staying together, but as for the details, we've yet to figure out something that really works. SIGH.

[GutLogic]

I'm glad this conversation is on here as well... My SO of 6 years is moving with me, but it took a lot of difficult conversations to get to that point. Fortunately, we had those way back when I was deciding whether to apply or not, and he has been a part of the whole process from choosing schools to apply to, to the final decision stage where we are now. For me, personally, I figured out the hard way that I can't separate career from personal happiness. I moved far from family & a (now ex) boyfriend for my education before, and although things have worked out in the long run, I was miserable for a long time and everything in my life suffered for it. Grad school will at times be difficult, exhausting, lonely, and discouraging. If I don't have anyone to turn to for support, I know I won't succeed. Also, if we did long-distance, he would have our dog (I wouldn't have time to take care of her), so that's not happening.

I've found it's been awkward explaining to LOR writers and faculty at interviews why I didn't apply to programs in a broader range of locations. Most of the time I settled on saying rather vaguely that I had family obligations, which is basically true.

Now the final decision comes down to two programs- one is an excellent program and also an amazing fit for me in every way, but it is in his least-favorite location (There are things about the location I don't like as well, but to me they are outweighed by the advantages of the program). The other is a program that, while definitely great in terms of rankings and prestige, is not a very good fit for me at all. However, the location is somewhere he would love to be. So at this point, I've explained to him all the reasons program 1 is better for me, and all the issues I foresee having at program 2. I also told him that if I went to program 2, although it would be harder, things would still work out just fine and I would go on to a great career. Therefore, if the difference in the two locations is important enough to him, I will go to program 2. He's said he wants me to go to the best program possible, and he will go with me wherever that is. I plan to hold off accepting an offer until almost the deadline so we both have time to think things over. It is high stress for both of us right now, but on the plus side there isn't any tension between us over the decision, since we feel we are in this together.