Having children in grad school?

[DUguy333]

Hey all,

I'm headed into a Master's program this fall and have simultaneously reached the juncture in my life where I'm considering having a child (either through surrogacy or adoption because I'm gay). I know there's no rush and am just currently throwing the idea around in my head but I was curious to receive some input as to whether or not its feasible to do? That is, is it manageable taking care of newborn while completing a Master's degree or is this the work for indefatigable individuals? Thanks.

[Fiddler_Crab]

Hi,

I am also entering grad school this fall, and I have to say - from everything I understand about being a graduate student...there is little time for life outside of your research. Unpredictable long hours and no tolerance for personal excuses by advisors are considered the norm in my discipline. If you are single, you would need to consider day care costs and missing out on interacting with your newborn. Paying for day care as a graduate student also seems less than ideal. If you have a partner that would be able to stay at home or a family support system, things would be easier. Personally, I think that having a small child as a graduate student would be tough financially, and emotionally. I'm also not sure if adoption agencies would consider a student a good candidate for adoption. Who knows though. Most masters take 2-3 years, perhaps you could wait until you finish your degree and then find a more flexible job so balancing family and work would be doable. Good luck with whatever you choose to do! Its an exciting time!

[anese]

I wouldn't do it now.

Here is what I have read, you should actually check out www.chronicle.com forums in Grad School Life and search for threads on having children in graduate school.

You can do it, but it's not something I would enter into lightly! Reading the posts there might give you some more in-depth responses. If you are going in to earn a terminal Masters degree, I would say why not wait 2 years and then do it? Either way, will take alot of grit and determination to do it.

[rising_star]

I think it's better to have an infant when you aren't doing coursework. That said, my mom had me then went back to school. It worked out ok but she was married and had a support system in place, having lived in the same city for over like 7 years before I was born.

This may sound silly but... if you want to have an idea of what it will be like, get a puppy. They're needy and don't sleep well. You could foster one if you just want a short-term experience.

[ampersand]

I'm going to go against the grain a little bit here. Obviously this isn't a decision that you should take lightly, and if you have a partner you should talk it over with him/her thoroughly. Make sure this isn't just a passing whim, as the decision to have a child affects every aspect of your life both now and in the future. But if you decide that it's the right thing to do, then go for it. If you wait until it's convenient then you'll never do it--there will always be work/financial/social/whatever other reasons to put off having a kid. And it's definitely not going to be easy. But if you decide that it's really what you want, then go ahead and do it. Keep in mind that, as other posters said, it will likely be easier if you have family or some other support system nearby, you have a stable income that can support you and an infant (and can pay for very expensive adoption or surrogacy fees), and you have very, very understanding advisers.

[DUguy333]

Thanks for the comments everyone.

I don't have a partner currently so I would be flying solo which is something I'm hesitant to do with raising children. However, child care costs aren't an issue for me so I believe it would be manageable. Having said that, I've settled on the idea that its prudent to wait until I've finished with my Ph.D to father. As difficult as suppressing my "biological clock" may be, I have to not just think of not just my own wishes, but the conditions that would best suit having a child. Thanks again for the input all!

[rising_star]

During the PhD could be easier too. If you're going for a career as an academic, you'll never really be "stable". Do what you think is right.

P.S. I still think getting a puppy is a good idea. You want someone/thing to keep you company in grad school.

[anese]

P.S. I still think getting a puppy is a good idea. You want someone/thing to keep you company in grad school.

I think on its own, if someone is just getting a puppy to keep them company--it is a bad idea, just because of the amount of time/attention puppies require. They don't sleep well when they are young, will need to be house-trained, walked...played with and socialized...not to mention they have costly medical bills and you'll have to find housing where they can stay too..not to mention finding a dog that would like to be in an apartment all day!

/unrelated rant

Maybe I'm just a pessimist. Finding out that I'm pretty much being forced into taking NYU housing for personal reasons, and then getting stuck 20-30 minutes away from campus in the housing I specifically said I didn't want--for an exorbitant price has pissed me off. Is it so hard to just give me housing closer to Washington Square? The money spent on that commute is going to kill me--I don't have much money as it is!

[rising_star]

I just meant a puppy because they're a lot of work just like an infant is. Plus they do make good companions when they're older.

As far as your commute, will you be able to take MTA? A monthly pass is under $90 and gives you unlimited rides. Most folks in NYC just get the monthly pass and use that to get around.

[deianira]

Don't do it! Children, especially small children, are a huge drain on finances. 9-5 chidcare will cost you $1000-$1500 / month. Diapers will run about $100/month for the first year, a bit less for the second. Babysitters are $10-15/hour. And breastfeeding while in school/working is no picnic either. (speaking from first hand experience )

[rising_star]

You might be interested in this article:

No Margin for Error: A Study of Two Women Balancing Motherhood and Ph.D. Studies

Robin S. Grenier

University of Connecticut, Storrs, Connecticut USA

Morag C. Burke

University of Georgia, Atlanta Georgia USA

http://www.nova.edu/ssss/QR/QR13-4/grenier.pdf

[Neuronerd]

Hello,

I have two children, 4 and 6. Both are adopted. The 6-year-old was adopted at birth (6 years ago, obviously) and the 4-year-old just a few months ago. I am in the second year of a neuroscience PhD, and did my undergrad through nighttime feedings, diaper changes, and the like. I finished with a 3.95 from UVA, PBK, SCL, and have a 3.8 in my grad program (everyone gets a B at least once!). I also worked 25 hours/week my last year of UG and first year of Grad school. All this is not to toot my horn, but rather to say that it is possible. I should add that I have a wife, and that she is very supportive, and without her, I am certain I'd not have been able to achieve any of this.

I sleep very little, and have to manage my time well. I have brought my son to class twice, and profs are very supportive (he's well-behaved and quiet). I also set boundaries so that I have uninterrupted time with my kids, and often go into the lab at night.

Everyone is different. This might work for you, and it might not. If you have serious doubts, consider that another person, your child, will be depending upon you for more than just 3 meals a day and a bed. They need love, and time, too.

You'll do the right thing.

[Emma2003]

I have two girls, almost three and almost six. I have to say, that with the fulltime help of my husband, it has only taken me 9 years to complete my undergrad course work. Each child is different, and you never know what your child is going to be like. You need to be in a place where you can handle things financially and emotionally. Personally, I think you have better chances succeeding as a student and a parent if you wait a little to adopt until you are done with your schooling. Infant care, good infant care, is extremely expensive. I pay almost 800 dollars a month for three days of care per week for my two year old. This doesn't include diapers or formula or clothes. And your little one is going to want your attention every second they are not at daycare, which means that you'll have to find a way to sleep and study whenever they're asleep which is easier said then done. I am sure that it can be done because I have seen people do it, it's just why do it that way if you don't have too?

[socialpsych]

I don't actually know anything about this, but FWIW, I have heard that grad school can be a *good* time to have kids, especially if you are getting a PhD/planning to have an academic career. I know a few PhD students in my field with one or multiple kids who seem to be doing okay, although I'm sure it isn't easy.

[sonnyday]

I don't actually know anything about this, but FWIW, I have heard that grad school can be a *good* time to have kids, especially if you are getting a PhD/planning to have an academic career. I know a few PhD students in my field with one or multiple kids who seem to be doing okay, although I'm sure it isn't easy.

This is the same thing I've heard. I asked as many female professors and grad panels about this as I could, and they all generally said the best time to have children is after the coursework, before you begin working on your dissertation, as you are generally at home most of the time anyway or in the library. You don't have a steady job anyway, and with a partner you should be fine. I'm at the age where I'd like to have children soon, and i definitely plan on doing so after the coursework phase. I don't think its fair to tell a woman that she can't and that she must choose between kids or a career. Its very doable from what I've heard, and many other women do a lot more by just working on minimum wage or as a single parent. But I must say, I am only choosing to because I have a very supportive husband who will be there to help me. If I was single, I wouldn't try to have children while in grad school (or otherwise really).