One Choice Blues

[jaxzwolf]

Okay, this is going to sound crazy, but I assume it's fitting because that's where my sanity is at these days. I applied for PhD programs last year and was rejected across the board. This year, I reapplied to more school and received a single, funded offer from Decent School (DS). I still haven't heard back from all the schools to which I applied, but implicit rejections abound and there is only a single school remaining from which I haven't heard anything. This school, let's call it School in Question (SiQ), is not a Council of Graduate Schools member; therefore, they don't adhere to the April 15th decision deadline.

I've been holding off on accepting the offer to DS. Really, there's no reason to wait an additional week. I honestly don't see myself getting a random acceptance in the coming week, I don't think I've been wait-listed anywhere, and SiQ is having funding issues and there's nothing to suggest that, even if I were to receive an offer there, that I'd receive any funding to go along with it.

So what's the problem? For some reason, I haven't been able to get excited about the offer from DS. I know receiving a funded offer is huge, and I'm grateful to have gotten in anywhere, particularly after being shut out last year. The program is decent, although not the best, and falls in the middle of my "where-I-want-to-go-most" list. It's not ideal, but it's better than nothing, and I think that I could both work with it and perhaps would end up getting more out of the program than I would have elsewhere, as a result of the way this particular program is structured. But it's not a super well-known or reputable school, or program, and the POI is young and un-tenured (not necessarily a bad thing, but something to consider). There is no way I'd refuse the offer and apply again a third time. I'm sick of the process and don't have it in me to slog through another year in a crappy, career-irrelevant job.

I think that when I received the offer, two things happened. First, I was so relieved to have gotten in anywhere, I forgot to be excited. Second, at that time I had an upcoming interview at my Top Choice Program, in which I became emotionally invested to the point where no other program seemed comparable. So when I ended up getting rejected after my interview (ouch), my offer to DS seemed less than ideal.

I really don't know what I'm trying to say here. I suppose there are two issues-- first, that having received no offers (out of 7 applications) last year and only one offer (out of 8) this year, that I'm feeling a little bit like the kid picked last for dodge ball, i.e. no one really wants me on their team, and I don't know what it is about me that isn't as good as other applicants; second, that for whatever reason, I'm having trouble getting excited about DS and feeling sorry for myself for only having a single acceptance. I suppose on some level I should be thankful to not have three or four schools to choose from and be at the point where I'm tearing my hair out because I have too many good choices, but from this side of the fence that grass really does look more appealing.

Anyone else out there having weird psychological issues as a result of only receiving a single acceptance? Last year at this time, I would have given anything for a single acceptance, and likely would have gone through the roof. But having gone through the application process twice and still coming up with only one admit has made me feel pretty darn inadequate. I almost feel as if I've let myself down. I spent so much time dreaming about how happy I'd be when I finally received an acceptance somewhere, and then when it really did happen I didn't feel nearly as wonderful as I'd hoped. Hm...

[ComeBackZinc]

I think that it's impossible for any of us, looking from the outside, to know just what the answers to your questions are. But I do think-- and I don't mean to be unhelpful here-- that you likely know, if you really think about it.

I actually only got into one school, myself, but it's my top choice program and an ideal scenario. I was a bit bummed to get rejected by the other schools, but as soon as I had that one offer, I knew that none of the rest really mattered. I can certainly see how the confluence of factors you're describing could make the situation emotionally confusing for you. I have to tell you, speaking from my own perspective, having a funded graduate offer trumps all.

I guess the question is: are the issues you're describing really why you're ambivalent about this? Is it the short-term realities of acceptance and rejection, or something deeper? It may be that you have deeper reservations but are rationalizing that with your short term concerns. If that's true, you likely already know it, if you really think about it. Speaking as someone who has been in a grad program working with PhD students for the last couple years, I will say: if you're not certain, don't go. It's too hard, there are too many deflating and frustrating moments, the money is too little, the job market generally too bad....

But if you really think about it and you find that this is what you want, try to put things in perspective. You're in! You're funded! You're never gonna look back and worry about who rejected you five years from now, if you're pursuing your passion in the academy.

[nhyn]

I feel you - same here granted, I only applied to 5 places, and really limited my choices. I saw it coming, no - I HAD it coming for shooting myself in the foot and not applying to profs/schools who i thought were great fit but were too far away from where I wanted to be. That's what I kept telling myself to kinda mask the disappointment that I only had one acceptance to a mid-ranked (rank in my own list, that is) place. It's ok to feel underwhelmed. I think it's also because you've been waiting for this moment for too long, you've built it up in your mind too much (who doesn't? I did!), so when it actually came, it felt less than expected. Do you like this program though? I do like the program that I got in (otherwise I wouldn't have applied), and although I might not be as excited to go here as I would elsewhere, I am still excited. As long as you know that you like the program you got in, I think you're in good shape

[switch]

For as bad as the admissions process is 0/7 or 1/8, at least you have something to hope for.........

Much of the job market is tedious, stultifying, fraudulent, pressured.......... People are lucky if they have all of these problems and they are getting paid a lot.............

At least you are getting started on a career you will enjoy. The more time you waste in dead-end jobs, the higher your opportunity costs.

One way I made my last grad school a great experience was to find a gorgeous apartment. A terrific apartment can improve the whole experience. (Money helps).

[juilletmercredi]

I agree with ComeBackZinc. Are you sure that you are underwhelmed because of your relief, or do you really have reservations about Decent School that you are unwilling to entertain because you don't want to consider the possiblity of reapplying next year? As a doctoral student finishing up my third year, I'm going to chime on the recommendation that if you aren't excited about your program you are going to make things so much harder on yourself than they need to be. I *love* my program, my research, my mentors, my colleagues, the libraries, almost everything about this university, but I STILL get my really low days. On those days, remembering everything I love about the program is usually the only thing that keeps me going. You need something to cling to on those days when you're too broke, too tired, too depressed, or too burned out to care and you feel like quitting. (And those days will come.)

I'm not 100% of the mind that something is better than nothing. It depends on what that nothing is. If it's a place that you won't be happy, I don't think it's better than nothing, because the PhD process is so stressful that you don't need the added stress of being unhappy in your program in the first place. Then again, I am of the mind that you don't do a PhD just to do one - no, you go to a place that you are excited about to do research you are fascinated with or you don't go at all, in my opinion. The job market is too competitive and the process too grueling to go just for the sake of going.

As for the thing going...well, examine your application. What are your strengths? What are your weaknesses? If you had a strong overall application, it may just be the applicant pools have been especially competitive in the last two years. Depending on your field, this may be par for the course - there are a few subfields within my field that people can apply 2-3 cycles before they get admitted anywhere, and then even when they do it may only be 1-3 places they get admitted (and in those subfields it's the norm to apply to 10-15 programs).

[LJK]

I'm feeling a little bit like the kid picked last for dodge ball, i.e. no one really wants me on their team, and I don't know what it is about me that isn't as good as other applicants; second, that for whatever reason, I'm having trouble getting excited about DS and feeling sorry for myself for only having a single acceptance.

I don't want to come off as rude - I understand that this is how you feel and feelings don't always line up with reality, but I want to toss in a reality check: This isn't gym class! Not everyone gets picked to play the game! If they didn't think you would be a solid member of the team no one would choose you at all! A better analogy would be being picked for a major league team that hasn't been winning any rings lately - still decent and even good but not as exciting as the top teams. But here's the thing: very few people even make it successfully through the draft. If you want to play the game, take the team that drafts you - one day you will be a free agent and if you are a top performer you will be able to choose where to go from there. Ok, sports analogy over.

I can understand where you are coming from to some extent - I only ended up with one offer but I interviewed at Top/High-Ranked School and was runner-up for a particular professor's lab. The thing is, the offer I got and the place I am going is the better overall fit for me. Maybe that part isn't the case for you, but regardless, you have a place that wants you. Disregarding Other Program, can you imagine yourself at Decent School? Will you be able to do the research that is driving you to apply to grad school in the first place? Will you be happier pursuing this dream than staying at your job? The thing is in academia you need to develop a thick skin - starting with grad school admissions, at every level there are more qualified people than there are positions. Unless you become an unmitigated superstar, you are likely to get to the point of having a PhD, being a world expert in your little bit of research, and be jobless and searching for a while. If you are the type of person who is always going to take rejection personally, this may not be the best career path for you - job applications, grant applications, publishing papers - all of these are fraught with rejection. You have to have confidence in who you are, what you can do - only your perseverance will get you through the repeated rejection. In the end, you only need one acceptance to continue on - you need to ask yourself if that is what you want to do? If yes, accept Decent Awesome-Few-Years-From-Being-My-Alma-Mater School and start working to set yourself up for what you want to do next

[jaxzwolf]

I don't want to come off as rude - I understand that this is how you feel and feelings don't always line up with reality, but I want to toss in a reality check: This isn't gym class! Not everyone gets picked to play the game! If they didn't think you would be a solid member of the team no one would choose you at all! A better analogy would be being picked for a major league team that hasn't been winning any rings lately - still decent and even good but not as exciting as the top teams. But here's the thing: very few people even make it successfully through the draft. If you want to play the game, take the team that drafts you - one day you will be a free agent and if you are a top performer you will be able to choose where to go from there. Ok, sports analogy over.

I can understand where you are coming from to some extent - I only ended up with one offer but I interviewed at Top/High-Ranked School and was runner-up for a particular professor's lab. The thing is, the offer I got and the place I am going is the better overall fit for me. Maybe that part isn't the case for you, but regardless, you have a place that wants you. Disregarding Other Program, can you imagine yourself at Decent School? Will you be able to do the research that is driving you to apply to grad school in the first place? Will you be happier pursuing this dream than staying at your job? The thing is in academia you need to develop a thick skin - starting with grad school admissions, at every level there are more qualified people than there are positions. Unless you become an unmitigated superstar, you are likely to get to the point of having a PhD, being a world expert in your little bit of research, and be jobless and searching for a while. If you are the type of person who is always going to take rejection personally, this may not be the best career path for you - job applications, grant applications, publishing papers - all of these are fraught with rejection. You have to have confidence in who you are, what you can do - only your perseverance will get you through the repeated rejection. In the end, you only need one acceptance to continue on - you need to ask yourself if that is what you want to do? If yes, accept Decent Awesome-Few-Years-From-Being-My-Alma-Mater School and start working to set yourself up for what you want to do next

Thanks for this, LJK-- very helpful, and I liked your analogy better than my own. You are right about everything here. This IS what I want to do, so at the end of the week I will have no trouble accepting the one offer I have. I suppose more than anything I'm just confused as to why I'm not yet giddy about finally having been accepted somewhere. But I honestly do think that it will work itself out in time. Occasionally over the past week I have found myself with the inklings of something like excitement when something about Decent School pops into my mind. So perhaps once I finally accept the offer and let the reality of my transition to grad school sink in, things will become more solid the whole way round. Anyway, your post made me feel better. Thank you.

juilletmercredi, switch, nyhn, ComeBackZinc, thank you, too, for your input. I do think that Decent School will allow me to pursue the research in which I am interested, although not perhaps in the way that I originally intended. That being said, I think there is room for greater flexibility at DS than I might have found elsewhere, and in terms of professional development the structure of the program might end up putting me ahead of the game in terms of job options after graduation. So perhaps it's not one of the most well-known schools, but I should still come out as a solid performer.

Edited April 12, 2011 by jaxzwolf

[ComeBackZinc]

I think it's quite common to feel a little hollow after getting accepted. The process is so long and the anticipation is so great that there's a lot of pressure on to feel ecstatic, which is self-defeating. Besides, here's the thing-- before you choose, the possibilities are endless. Once you've chosen, you know what's coming next. It's just human nature that the unknown and limitless possibility excite you more than reality. I'm sure excitement will come soon. Given the emotional turmoil and length of the process, feeling worn out is to be expected.

And-- congratulations.