infinitestatemachine Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 (edited) I've moved this to the appropriate place to freak out: http://forum.thegradcafe.com/topic/21191-academic-vs-social/ The post was: I got into a top 10 school (school A) and another place ranked around 40th (school B ) for computer science. My potential supervisor at the top 10 place is amazing, does awesome work, his students are happy, his lab travels to conferences all over the place, the other students are great, and when I finished my visit, I was 90% sure I wanted to go there. Then I realized that it'd require ending a relationship and moving pretty far away. Am I making a big mistake by not picking school A? While school B is closer to the life I know, it'd still put me in a pretty inconvenient long-distance relationship that has a pretty good chance of falling apart. People at school B go on to do fine, is that good enough for me? How the heck am I supposed to make such an impossible decision?! Thanks so much in advance for any advice. Edited April 15, 2011 by ESF
infinitestatemachine Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 (edited) I got into a top 10 school (school A) and another place ranked around 40th (school B ) for computer science. My potential supervisor at the top 10 place is amazing, does awesome work, his students are happy, his lab travels to conferences all over the place, the other students are great, and when I finished my visit, I was 90% sure I wanted to go there. Then I realized that it'd require ending a relationship and moving pretty far away. Am I making a big mistake by not picking school A? While school B is closer to the life I know, it'd still put me in a pretty inconvenient long-distance relationship that has a pretty good chance of falling apart. People at school B go on to do fine, is that good enough for me? How the heck am I supposed to make such an impossible decision?! Thanks so much in advance for any advice. Edited April 15, 2011 by ESF
jaxzwolf Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 If both schools would require you to make your relationship long distance, then what's the problem? From the way you write about School A, it is obviously superior in every regard to School B, with the possible exception of distance from where you currently live. But in the long run, is that really going to be an issue? By going to grad school you'll be investing a lot of time and energy into your future. Doesn't it make more sense to invest that time and energy someplace you feel great about? Someplace that is highly ranked, has a great supervisor, awesome research, happy and successful students? If you're considering School B only because you don't feel as if you'll need to immediately end your relationship, then perhaps you should rethink your options, especially considering your thoughts that said relationship has a 'pretty good chance of falling apart.' Your graduate degree will last a lifetime; your relationship (by the sounds of it) won't. You're obviously psyched about School A, so you might be making a mistake choosing a school you feel less passionately about because of a relationship that probably won't last. jaxzwolf and psycholinguist 2
infinitestatemachine Posted April 15, 2011 Author Posted April 15, 2011 If both schools would require you to make your relationship long distance, then what's the problem? From the way you write about School A, it is obviously superior in every regard to School B, with the possible exception of distance from where you currently live. But in the long run, is that really going to be an issue? By going to grad school you'll be investing a lot of time and energy into your future. Doesn't it make more sense to invest that time and energy someplace you feel great about? Someplace that is highly ranked, has a great supervisor, awesome research, happy and successful students? If you're considering School B only because you don't feel as if you'll need to immediately end your relationship, then perhaps you should rethink your options, especially considering your thoughts that said relationship has a 'pretty good chance of falling apart.' Your graduate degree will last a lifetime; your relationship (by the sounds of it) won't. You're obviously psyched about School A, so you might be making a mistake choosing a school you feel less passionately about because of a relationship that probably won't last. Your argument is convincing and probably right. I keep on coming back to "but what if my relationship doesn't fall apart? But the what if it does? But what if I really end up liking my advisor at school B? But I know I like school A!" Additionally, the Student Outcomes ranking on the NRC places school B in the top 10. So what if I don't publish as much or have as great of an advisor; students seemed happy at B and seem to go on to get jobs.
renster Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 If you are going to have a long distance relationship in both cases, go with A. In fact, go with A anyhow. You don't want to sacrifice your top choice school for a relationship that "has a pretty good chance of falling apart" - and then regret your choice of school when it does fall apart. Good luck! Your argument is convincing and probably right. I keep on coming back to "but what if my relationship doesn't fall apart? But the what if it does? But what if I really end up liking my advisor at school B? But I know I like school A!" Additionally, the Student Outcomes ranking on the NRC places school B in the top 10. So what if I don't publish as much or have as great of an advisor; students seemed happy at B and seem to go on to get jobs. psycholinguist 1
renster Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 If you are going to have a long distance relationship in both cases, go with A. In fact, go with A anyhow. You don't want to sacrifice your top choice school for a relationship that "has a pretty good chance of falling apart" - and then regret your choice of school when it does fall apart. Good luck! Your argument is convincing and probably right. I keep on coming back to "but what if my relationship doesn't fall apart? But the what if it does? But what if I really end up liking my advisor at school B? But I know I like school A!" Additionally, the Student Outcomes ranking on the NRC places school B in the top 10. So what if I don't publish as much or have as great of an advisor; students seemed happy at B and seem to go on to get jobs.
LJK Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 (edited) Your argument is convincing and probably right. I keep on coming back to "but what if my relationship doesn't fall apart? But the what if it does? But what if I really end up liking my advisor at school B? But I know I like school A!" Additionally, the Student Outcomes ranking on the NRC places school B in the top 10. So what if I don't publish as much or have as great of an advisor; students seemed happy at B and seem to go on to get jobs. Relationships are messy and mean different things to different people at different points in their life, so ultimately you have to decide what this relationship means to you. So I have a couple questions to ponder: If you go to B, do you think this relationship will last? If you go to A, why do you think this relationship will fall apart? If you are deciding to go to B for the relationship, do you think that it is going to survive other major life hurdles - illness, death of loved ones, future job transfers, etc.? What does being in this relationship mean to you? life partner? fun and good for now? Better than being alone? (not implying any of these to be the case, just throwing out some possible categories) What does this relationship mean to the other person? I'm not currently in a relationship so I haven't had to deal with these issues while applying. But ultimately, I would like to think that I would only allow a life partnership to affect a decision like this, and I would only want a life partner that would be willing to make some sacrifices with me on the way to building the future we would want. Edited April 15, 2011 by LJK
beanbagchairs Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Choose school A. Getting a PhD is not forever. Although, it may seem like it once we're in graduate school. Therefore, there is an "end" to look forward to in your long-distance relationship. In my experience, it helps a lot when you know when you are going to be together again. Your career growth should also be a consideration for your SO and vice versa.
psycholinguist Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 Go for A. Who knows: at a top-ranked school you may find a new great match right there in the same department! Best of luck!
BKMD Posted April 15, 2011 Posted April 15, 2011 If school B is still far enough away to put you into a long-distance status, then it really doesn't make a difference, right? I would say short of being engaged, you shouldn't make this choice around a relationship. If it falls apart (which you say is a possibility), then you'll have no reason to be in a worse school. That being said, I don't know if school B is "worse". Most CS schools in the top 50 have good reputations and I can certainly think of some top 40 schools that are still comparable to some top 10 schools. It depends a lot on your subfield as well as what career you're looking for in the future. If you figure that the programs are close enough in quality, then pick the option that's better socially. On the other hand if one of them is clearly better than the other academically, then personally I would go with that, since that will (probably) be a more important factor in the long run. Of course, I don't know the specifics of your schools or your relationship status so take my advice with a grain of salt. Good luck!
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