Father is Ill, Advice with defering admit

[csKid]

I had made a decision earlier this month to accept an offer and was looking forward to it until this monday. My dad was and is perfectly normal, but he has a heart condition now (blocks in three arteries 1- whole 2-96%. third is less than 10%) ,detected in a routine health checkup which he didn't do for five years i guess and doctors are asking him to take a bypass surgery. I've not met the doctor yet,. I've complete faith in the doctor, but i'm going to meet him and talk to him probably this weekend. But, the first thought that occurred to me was, I should take another job here, defer my admit until my father gets well (probably till next spring or fall). I'll decide on what to do, but when I don't know how long would I be allowed till I can defer my admit. At this point, I don't want to discuss this the university because I've resigned my job, and still think that if he recovers i'll leave. I'm in a foreign country can visit him only once in a year.

Please give ur advice on any one of these things. I consider my family first in making my decisions, but I didn't think about this situation in my dreams. I consider that my dad won't be happy to see me stay here and take a job for one more year. I don't know even how to discuss this with mom and dad.

Edited April 19, 2011 by rejectMeNot

[anthropologygeek]

Some schools allow it while others dont. You have to contact the school to know if its possible or not.

[mechengr2000]

This is a very difficult time in your life. I am sorry to hear about these trouble's, especially about your Dad's health. Who is currently the primary caretaker of your parents? How often do you currently see them? It sounds like the deeply care about your education. Keep in mind that while at grad school, schedules are extremely flexible, so if you ever had to take a trip home, you could do it spur of the moment. Also keep in mind modern technologies, like Skype and the good old telephone that make it possible to see your Dad everyday even if he is miles away. That way you can give him the support he needs, and he can also take satisfaction in knowing you are pursuing something important to you.

[csKid]

Both my parents work. All my grand parents passed away. So we( me and my bro) should be the primary care takers for my parents, but I think they are better off themselves in their early 50s. My bro is also studying in a foreign country. There are uncles who are close, and a few cousins in the same town. But my parents live alone, for almost 5 years now. I visit them atleast once a month. I was concerned when I couldn't get a job in same town and live with my parents and concerned even more now. This is the first time my dad is getting operated upon. I'm shocked and need some guidance myself. I had some two life threatening injuries myself and I feel like its my time to return the favour. But some people are telling me, that everybody gets a bypass nowadays. I do understand the gravity of the situation, but I need some time and more advice to decide. But its past april 15th.

My parents told me that I'm more than them concerned, when I asked for details and exact details.

To not sound all dramatic i'll list down my questions

1. If somebody has experience, when would be the right time to decide about defering (I don't want as early as possible type answers)

2. The school I'm attending defers admits on a case by case basis. I know a person who has done that. So does it mean that my admit can be defered.

3. My case concerns family, would it be a valid reason to defer an admit.

4. I wouldn't have trouble applying next year, would it be right thing to do rather than, taking the trouble in explaining to them my personal problem to the extent of verbiage, exactly like I'm doing here.

5. Nearness to a family or great education. This is question I'm asking myself again, and again and have trouble answering myself

This is a very difficult time in your life. I am sorry to hear about these trouble's, especially about your Dad's health. Who is currently the primary caretaker of your parents? How often do you currently see them? It sounds like the deeply care about your education. Keep in mind that while at grad school, schedules are extremely flexible, so if you ever had to take a trip home, you could do it spur of the moment. Also keep in mind modern technologies, like Skype and the good old telephone that make it possible to see your Dad everyday even if he is miles away. That way you can give him the support he needs, and he can also take satisfaction in knowing you are pursuing something important to you.

Edited April 19, 2011 by rejectMeNot

[mechengr2000]

Both my parents work. All my grand parents passed away. So we( me and my bro) should be the primary care takers for my parents, but I think they are better off themselves in their early 50s. My bro is also studying in a foreign country. There are uncles who are close, and a few cousins in the same town. But my parents live alone, for almost 5 years now. I visit them atleast once a month. I was concerned when I couldn't get a job in same town and live with my parents and concerned even more now. This is the first time my dad is getting operated upon. I'm shocked and need some guidance myself. I had some two life threatening injuries myself and I feel like its my time to return the favour. But some people are telling me, that everybody gets a bypass nowadays. I do understand the gravity of the situation, but I need some time and more advice to decide. But its past april 15th.

My parents told me that I'm more than them concerned, when I asked for details and exact details.

To not sound all dramatic i'll list down my questions

1. If somebody has experience, when would be the right time to decide about defering (I don't want as early as possible type answers)

2. The school I'm attending defers admits on a case by case basis. I know a person who has done that. So does it mean that my admit can be defered.

3. My case concerns family, would it be a valid reason to defer an admit.

4. I wouldn't have trouble applying next year, would it be right thing to do rather than, taking the trouble in explaining to them my personal problem to the extent of verbiage, exactly like I'm doing here.

5. Nearness to a family or great education. This is question I'm asking myself again, and again and have trouble answering myself

I think you need to talk to your Dad's doctor. Tell him your #1 priority to make sure your parents are OK. Ask him to tell you objectively as a doctor if would be a logical decision, or an emotional one, at this point, to post pone future school plans so that you can take care of your parents. Get him to give you as much feedback as possible as to how much confidence he has in your Dad's recovery, and how much help your Dad will need.

[IRdreams]

Both my parents work. All my grand parents passed away. So we( me and my bro) should be the primary care takers for my parents, but I think they are better off themselves in their early 50s. My bro is also studying in a foreign country. There are uncles who are close, and a few cousins in the same town. But my parents live alone, for almost 5 years now. I visit them atleast once a month. I was concerned when I couldn't get a job in same town and live with my parents and concerned even more now. This is the first time my dad is getting operated upon. I'm shocked and need some guidance myself. I had some two life threatening injuries myself and I feel like its my time to return the favour. But some people are telling me, that everybody gets a bypass nowadays. I do understand the gravity of the situation, but I need some time and more advice to decide. But its past april 15th.

My parents told me that I'm more than them concerned, when I asked for details and exact details.

To not sound all dramatic i'll list down my questions

1. If somebody has experience, when would be the right time to decide about defering (I don't want as early as possible type answers)

2. The school I'm attending defers admits on a case by case basis. I know a person who has done that. So does it mean that my admit can be defered.

3. My case concerns family, would it be a valid reason to defer an admit.

4. I wouldn't have trouble applying next year, would it be right thing to do rather than, taking the trouble in explaining to them my personal problem to the extent of verbiage, exactly like I'm doing here.

5. Nearness to a family or great education. This is question I'm asking myself again, and again and have trouble answering myself

1) I know as early as possible is not very satisfying, but I think it applies. If this post had been made 2mo ago, my advice would have been decide before April 15th as that deadline is important in the gradschool making their decisions. However, since it is past, I would try to make a decision as soon as possible and no later than the end of April so that the department can fill your slot this with a waitlist if they so desire (deferment means there would have an extra slot this year and one less slot next year usually).

3) If you can convincingly argue that you are a primary care taker for your father this should be fairly easy to obtain considering your university's policy. This argument should be easy to make in light of your international status as the cultural norms are caretaking are known to fall on children in many countries. This would be especially true if you were the eldest. Also, caretaking is considered justifiable medical leave by the federal government in the US so it shouldn't be too hard to explain anyways.

4)Deferment is designed to take care of life's unexpected ups and downs (mostly downs). Your case is precisely why this institution was formed so I would not view asking for deferral as inappropriate. People in my program have asked for deferral simply because they got an awesome job and this is far more justified reason than that. Also, I would not view yourself as prevailing upon them when you explain the situation. It is not begging to ask for a reasonable accommodation in light of bad news.

Also, at some level, deferral may be the responsible decision if you feel this may effect the quality of your work this year. A friend of mine had to deal with her father getting and passing from cancer and it has really derailed her in the program. Grad school is not a particularly sensitive environment once you've begun and thus in her case it probably would have been better to not be dealing with those issues while also trying to manages the demands of a program. So Skype is great but if you feel like there will be substantial emotional stress, I probably would ask for the family time.

5)This is really a self reflection question. At some level, it sounds like you this might have been an issue even if an illness had not arisen which makes it a separate concern. I would not take a deferral if your main reason is a desire in general not to leave your kin.

[csKid]

Thank you. I just met the doctor today. He assured me that procedure is safe enough and atleast 10-15 years of good health. So, I'm just trying to convince, my dad to take it while I'm here. Thanks a lot, for helping me when I was freaking out.

1) I know as early as possible is not very satisfying, but I think it applies. If this post had been made 2mo ago, my advice would have been decide before April 15th as that deadline is important in the gradschool making their decisions. However, since it is past, I would try to make a decision as soon as possible and no later than the end of April so that the department can fill your slot this with a waitlist if they so desire (deferment means there would have an extra slot this year and one less slot next year usually).

3) If you can convincingly argue that you are a primary care taker for your father this should be fairly easy to obtain considering your university's policy. This argument should be easy to make in light of your international status as the cultural norms are caretaking are known to fall on children in many countries. This would be especially true if you were the eldest. Also, caretaking is considered justifiable medical leave by the federal government in the US so it shouldn't be too hard to explain anyways.

4)Deferment is designed to take care of life's unexpected ups and downs (mostly downs). Your case is precisely why this institution was formed so I would not view asking for deferral as inappropriate. People in my program have asked for deferral simply because they got an awesome job and this is far more justified reason than that. Also, I would not view yourself as prevailing upon them when you explain the situation. It is not begging to ask for a reasonable accommodation in light of bad news.

Also, at some level, deferral may be the responsible decision if you feel this may effect the quality of your work this year. A friend of mine had to deal with her father getting and passing from cancer and it has really derailed her in the program. Grad school is not a particularly sensitive environment once you've begun and thus in her case it probably would have been better to not be dealing with those issues while also trying to manages the demands of a program. So Skype is great but if you feel like there will be substantial emotional stress, I probably would ask for the family time.

5)This is really a self reflection question. At some level, it sounds like you this might have been an issue even if an illness had not arisen which makes it a separate concern. I would not take a deferral if your main reason is a desire in general not to leave your kin.

[mechengr2000]

Thank you. I just met the doctor today. He assured me that procedure is safe enough and atleast 10-15 years of good health. So, I'm just trying to convince, my dad to take it while I'm here. Thanks a lot, for helping me when I was freaking out.

Great! I'm glad everything worked out. Good luck, and get well soon to your Dad!