Evaluate my personal statement?

[gilmoregirl1010]

Hi everyone,

I'm currently working on preparing my application to graduate school, and I was wondering if you would mind evaluating my personal statement. This is the short version, which I am preparing for some of the programs that require a 500-word-or-less essay. I have a good deal that I can expound upon for the schools with lengthier essay requirements, but I just wanted to get a good base down before I went crazy.

Thank you so much in advance, and please be gentle- this is my very first draft, and I'm kind of shooting in the dark as to this whole process. (Also, I'm sure this is common, but I'm removing names and places that could identify people that may not want to be identified.) One area I know I need help with is a catchy opening statement. Grammar, punctuation, spelling (although I'm pretty sure I caught all of that), coherency, etc, are all on the table. Thanks again!

----------------------------

My extensive research experience with [professor], coupled with my history of academic and professional involvement with the community at the undergraduate level, has uniquely prepared me for graduate work in the [program]

Since my second semester in college, I have been assisting [professor] with her groundbreaking research in the area of minority politics in [state]. For the past three years, [professor], myself, and another undergraduate student have compiled archival and biographic sources in order to analyze the factors that influence minority pathbreakers to run for political office at the state level. Our research has been presented at the [conference] as well as at an on-campus research symposium, and is currently being developed for publishing into a reference book for high school and college students. This experience has allowed me to see the painstaking, yet rewarding, nature of research in the social sciences, and has greatly prepared me for the rigors of graduate school.

In order to further develop myself academically, I have also taken part in many extracurricular academic activities on campus. Along with [2nd professor] and a fellow undergraduate student, I have co-authored a paper concerning the effect of social media on the professor-student relationship. I have also presented my research on reality television and its effect on society to a colloquium of my peers. Most recently, I participated in a sociological study abroad program in London and Paris, which significantly broadened my worldview.

As someone who firmly believes that theoretical education should be balanced with application, I have remained involved in a variety of non-academic activities throughout my college career. I have held several part-time jobs since starting college, the most recent of which is as a tutor with a literacy foundation sponsored by AmeriCorps. I have also been involved in several leadership positions with social activism groups on campus, and have helped raise awareness in my community of such issues as human trafficking, the crisis in North Korea, and the plight of the child soldiers in Uganda.

Throughout my studies, I have developed an interest in the sociological subfields of gender inequality, criminology, religion, and culture, and am enthusiastic about conducting research in those fields. As such, I would be honored to work with [professors at hopeful program]. Looking forward to my career goals, I hope to work for a time as a community college instructor, thus allowing my husband to finish his education, before ultimately pursuing a PhD in Sociology and teaching at the university level. I am certain that my strong academic background and research experience, as well as my future research and career goals, will allow me to both benefit from and be an asset to this program.

Edited August 15, 2011 by laurengilmore

[socspice]

I think you've got a good start here. A couple of things that I think could make your statement stronger:

I would not include this informtion in your statement: "Looking forward to my career goals, I hope to work for a time as a community college instructor, thus allowing my husband to finish his education..." This is not an activity that faculty at many PhD programs are very supportive of. You also don't want to be seen as someone who is just biding their time waiting for their husband. Don't mention husband at all. Or community college.

Instead, focus on wanting to be a university professor, with an emphasis on the research over the teaching aspect.

I also think you should elaborate on: "and am enthusiastic about conducting research in those fields...". Be more specific here. What kind of research do you want to do? What kinds of questions do you think are interesting and would you like to explore?

Also, HOW did the work you did with undergrad prof "greatly prepared me for the rigors of graduate school"? Try to be more detailed if you can. Did doing work with that person make you want to undertake research on your own and work independently?

Again, good start, and it's great that you've got something to work with so early. Good luck!

[avee]

You should add specific professors you want to work with for each university you apply to. I am really hungry right now.

[gilmoregirl1010]

Thank you both very much! Socspice- I only mentioned the community college thing because I'm actually currently applying to Master's programs, and the one whose application I'm working on now mentions it on their website as a common post-graduation career, so I figured it was safe to discuss (pardon the run-on). I'll definitely fix it up though, thanks! And it's hard to be a lot more detailed, since I have a 500-word limit which I'm pretty darn close to as is, but I'll do my best!

Avee- I'm definitely going to do that. I only took their names out of this draft because this is more of a template, that will be adjusted for each individual school depending on how my interest lines up with their faculty.

Thanks again, I really appreciate it