Personal Statement BBA - Please Review

[Shroud ruler]

Hey guys im new to this site so if i posted this in the wrong forum please feel free to tell me, I am currently coming of my gap year and looking to apply to a variety of schools, obviously some changes will be made to this pending the university being applied to. This is my personal statement to HKUST please help me out with this i think right now it is alright but i may have also missed the mark completely, please help me correct punctuation and the general essay and anything else that you may think helps make this better =D

thanks

Matt Bradley

I have always been immersed in the world of business. From watching my uncles buy an ownership stake in a multi-million dollar excavation company to store tours with my father, a highly regarded district manager for Dollerama. I am surrounded by inspiration from my family and the people around me. It is now my turn to advance to university and continue a family legacy of business.

Immediately following high school I had an idea that I wanted to progress into business but was to immature to turn my dreams into a reality. Although inexperienced and under qualified I applied for a management level position at Frito Lay Canada. During the final part of the interview I was asked why I should be hired. I replied “ I know I’m young and under qualified, but I also know that I can do this job and I’m just asking you to give me the opportunity to prove it to you.” I am now one of the youngest full time sales representatives in Canada. I have sold a variety of over 150 products in more than 50 cities and towns throughout Saskatchewan. I have experience in areas such as short term sales forecasting, marketing, inventory and auditing procedures as well as the ordering and sales of product, all of these aspects while creating and maintaining relationships with customers. Over the last year and a half I have had the unique opportunity to both mentally and socially mature in an innovative and expanding market. I now strongly believe the business world is where I belong. I know that with the skills I have acquired as well as the ones I will obtain through attendance of this prestigious school will propel me to the top of the business ladder, ultimately accomplishing my goal of leading a successful business.

What really sets me apart is more than just high quality business experience. I bring an honest, hard working character along with a unique and friendly personality. I am quick learning, eager to accomplish and know that I will make a difference. These traits combined with the hunger for knowledge and the passion for business make me a great choice to help represent the student body at HKUST.

With attendance of HKUST I will be able to blossom and shine in an environment filled with some of the worlds top business prospects. I am overjoyed to be able to continue my education, as I look forward to continuing a family tradition of excellence in business.

[bluejay16]

Do you know what the school's requirement is for the essay portion of your application? Is there a specific question that you're supposed to answer? If not, this is a pretty good general essay.

Just correct a few spelling errors and fine tune the grammar. My advice is to also add a bit more on your interest in studying/learning the business management theories, etc. or information about which professors you'd like to study under. Your personal anecdote is unique but if you leave the essay without a paragraph or two on your study interests, it will sound more like a cover letter for a job resume than an application to a school program.