Personal Statement - PLS Comment

[michelleam]

The coastline is the interaction of land and sea. This interaction is demonstrated in the aftermath of the Indonesian Tsunami (2004) and Hurricane Katrina (2005). Management officials have come across a dual problem in protecting a coastline that is home to wildlife, a variety of habitats, and protecting those people that live along the coast. In my college and interning experience, I have learned how important it is to educate others on how what we on land will eventually end up in the sea. I wanted to take this to another level by not only educating but also being a part of the policymaking decisions that affect the coastline. I decided that furthering my education through a master’s degree would provide me with more opportunities in the future.

Four years of undergraduate courses in the fields of environmental and marine sciences at Barry University has not only provided me with the educational background on the natural resources in the world but has helped sharpen other skills as well. These skills include making me a better public speaker, a team player, an individual worker, and a time manager. On a research level, I have learned how important it is to be organized in identification, collection, and analyzation of different plants and animals to be able to compile reports. After graduating I furthered my love for the environmental and marine sciences by obtaining an internship position at the Biscayne Bay Aquatic Preserve.

As an intern, I have worked closely with the manager and environmental specialist on different projects ranging from learning how to put a management plan together to FDEP UMAM Mitigation specifics. I recently have been asked to develop and facilitate a program designed to provide teachers with lesson plans and activities relating to seagrass. On behalf of the Preserve, I have attended meeting on coastal conservation and uses. I also have assisted in educating visitors about the Biscayne Aquatic Preserve through seining, water quality testing, species identification and a sortment of activities.

While participating in projects with the Biscayne Bay Aquatic Preserve, I have decided that a Master in Professional Science in Coastal Zone Management with a specialty in marine protected areas is the program for me. These projects have showed me how important it is to protect and fight on the behalf of the coastline. The key to coastal communities surviving in today’s world is to find a way to balance economic and recreation activities with the high population density growing along the coastline. My ultimate goal is a dual one.

I hope to use my Masters in Professional Science degree to work hands-on with the public in educating and promoting the appreciation of the coastline both in the United States and internationally. I hope to also work for a government agency that helps makes policymaking decisions that affect how coastlines are used and protected.

[Helpplease123]

No comments on content, this is in no way my field but your spelling, grammer and general language could definitely be improved upon - would seriously recommend you work on that part of your essay for a little while (one suggestion: analyzation - I think you're looking for the word analysis).

Also you need to add in at least a few paragraphs about why school x is a good fit and will help you achieve your goals.

[Rachel B]

You have a decent start to your SoP, but you have some very awkward and somewhat confusing sentences:

"Management officials have come across a dual problem in protecting a coastline that is home to wildlife, a variety of habitats, and protecting those people that live along the coast"

EDIT: Management officials have come across a dual problem: the protection of coastlines that are home to wildlife and the protection of human inhabitants within the same area.

"I wanted to take this to another level by not only educating but also being a part of the policymaking decisions that affect the coastline.

EDIT: The sentence is awkward without a noun following "educating." Who exactly are you educating? Students? The general public? Policymakers?

"Four years of undergraduate courses in the fields of environmental and marine sciences at Barry University has not only provided me with the educational background on the natural resources in the world but has helped sharpen other skills as well. These skills include making me a better public speaker, a team player, an individual worker, and a time manager

EDIT: You skip over this section very quickly. Be specific. Just saying you gained skills in undergrad is vague. Talk about certain classes or projects or other experiences. Did you gain teamwork skills on a specific project? Go into a little detail so that the admissions committee gets to know you more!

"On a research level, I have learned how important it is to be organized in identification, collection, and analyzation of different plants and animals to be able to compile reports"

EDIT: Learning how important something is is extremely different than actually learning something. Omit the "learned how important" part and talk about the tasks you had to complete and the additional skills you gained. Being able to compile complex reports is impressive, knowing that reports are important is not.

"While participating in projects with the Biscayne Bay Aquatic Preserve, I have decided that a Master in Professional Science in Coastal Zone Management with a specialty in marine protected areas is the program for me."

EDIT: You keep saying how important coastal protection is, but what I don't get out of your statement is why this program is right for you. Just because something is important doesn't persuade me into thinking that you're its the right program for you. What you need to work on is making this essay more personal and more passionate. Even your first two sentences come off as random and stiff, two qualities that continue throughout your essay.

Again, you're off to a decent start, but I think you have a long way to go in order to turn a decent essay into an amazing essay. I'm sorry if my comments are harsh, but I hope they help.

[jkg]

The coastline is the interaction of land and sea. [when applying to science programs you want to think in terms of field technical terms. They know all about how the coastline is the interaction of land and sea- you are speaking to professors, not writing a piece for the local 1^st grade class]

This interaction is demonstrated in the aftermath of the Indonesian Tsunami (2004) and Hurricane Katrina (2005). [this is super random, why would u put this in unless it directly relates to your research that you have already completed, or want to study these two events specifically in your program.]

Management officials have come across a dual problem in protecting a coastline that is home to wildlife, a variety of habitats, and protecting those people that live along the coast. [you list three things: wildlife, habitats, and places people live, but describe it as a dual problem- make your language reflect duality: habitats for wildlife and places for people]

In my college and interning experience, I have learned how important it is to educate others on how what we on land will eventually end up in the sea. [talk about how you came to this conclusion- did a specific experience in your program demonstrate how education helps environmental policymaking issues? Also, clarify: how what we on land will eventually end up in the sea.]

I wanted to take this to another level by not only educating but also being a part of the policymaking decisions that affect the coastline. [wanted? (Tense). How is this degree going to provide this]

I decided that furthering my education through a master’s degree would provide me with more opportunities in the future. [describe opportunities]

Four years of undergraduate courses in the fields of environmental and marine sciences at Barry University has not only provided me with the educational background on the natural resources in the world but has helped sharpen other skills as well. [this is another assumption of all undergrad degrees- what made you as a student excel in this environment? How did you take the resources and opportunities that they gave you and make the best of them?]

These skills include making me a better public speaker, a team player, an individual worker, and a time manager. [i think that this is an assumption of all undergraduate degrees. If you have specific tasks that you did, use these as examples – show that you have these through a story of your experience, don’t tell them that you have these]

On a research level, I have learned how important it is to be organized in identification, collection, and analyzation of different plants and animals to be able to compile reports. [what research level? Is this your research?]

After graduating I furthered my love for the environmental and marine sciences by obtaining an internship position at the Biscayne Bay Aquatic Preserve. [this is a long sentence and if you have a short space, it’s saying a lot of nothing while only delivering the fact that you got an internship in the area you love, which is obvious if you are applying to this program that you love this area. Change it to something more substantial while talking specifics and how the experience impacted you]

As an intern, I have worked closely with the manager and environmental specialist on different projects ranging from learning how to put a management plan together to FDEP UMAM Mitigation specifics. [more! This hits what you want to convey: management, leadership, time management, teamwork, etc]

I recently have been asked to develop and facilitate a program designed to provide teachers with lesson plans and activities relating to seagrass. [talk about why you were chosen for this – your love of education, etc]

On behalf of the Preserve, I have attended meeting on coastal conservation and uses. [what have you learned from these meetings? Is this why you are interested in policymaking?]

I also have assisted in educating visitors about the Biscayne Aquatic Preserve through seining, water quality testing, species identification and a sortment of activities. [an assortment. Also add this into a general “education” section up there with your program about seagrass]

While participating in projects with the Biscayne Bay Aquatic Preserve, I have decided that a Master in Professional Science in Coastal Zone Management with a specialty in marine protected areas is the program for me. [that’s nice]

These projects have showed me how important it is to protect and fight on the behalf of the coastline. [you don’t say whyyyy]

The key to coastal communities surviving in today’s world is to find a way to balance economic and recreation activities with the high population density growing along the coastline. [this should be your first sentence]

My ultimate goal is a dual one. [empty sentence- I understand you are trying to transition but…]

I hope to use my Masters in Professional Science degree to work hands-on with the public in educating and promoting the appreciation of the coastline both in the United States and internationally. [yes]

I hope to also work for a government agency that helps makes policymaking decisions that affect how coastlines are used and protected. [yes]

[need ending]